


A dream of Fili

by Kilak_ki



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Action/Adventure, Adventure & Romance, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Art, Artistic Fili, Artistic Kili, Brick Lane, Brotherly Bonding, Brothers, Brothers Kili and Fili, Caring Kíli, Danger, Dublin (City), Dwarf/Elf Relationship(s), Dwarf/Human Relationship(s), Dwarves, Dysfunctional Family, Elves, Emotional, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family, Family Bonding, Family Drama, Family Dynamics, Family Feels, Family Issues, France (Country), Gen, Graffiti, Greenwich, Hot Kili, Hot Tauriel, Inspired by The Hobbit, Ireland, Kíli/Tauriel Fluff, London, Love, Memories, Mental Anguish, Missing Persons, Past Lives, Past Relationship(s), Poor Fíli, Poor Kíli, Protective Fíli, Protective Kíli, Protective Siblings, Protective Tauriel, Recovered Memories, Reincarnation, Romantic Gestures, Romantic Soulmates, Secrets, Siblings, Sigrid (Hobbit Movies) - Freeform, Travel, True Love, UK (Country), Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Tension, cheeky kili, star-crossed lovers, street art
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2019-05-14 14:42:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 70,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14771621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kilak_ki/pseuds/Kilak_ki
Summary: Kili and Tauriel have found each other again and got a second chance to live their romance. This time they finally seem to be happy... however there is still a question that needs to be answered: what happened to Fili? - This is a sequel of 'We'd remember tonight for the rest of our lives'.





	1. Kili's Ghosts

**Author's Note:**

> I was asked what happened to Fili and it is something I was already thinking about while I was writing my first story. The thought of what happened to Fili has kept playing in my head so I have decided to see how it would develop.  
> Also, I really enjoyed writing about Kili and Tauriel and I would like to give them a new challenge with a little adventure.  
> I hope you will enjoy reading this one as well. Sorry for the typos I will review it in the next days a may be make some additions to the chapter.

We were tight knit boys  
Brothers in more then name  
You would kill for me  
And knew that I'd do the same.  
\- Always Gold - Radical Face -

There is a destiny which makes us brothers; none goes his way alone.  
All that we send into the lives of others comes back into our own.  
\- Edwin Markham -

===================

Darkness...pitch black...  
and the salty water on his face...  
Darkness...  
distant voices echoed in his head.  
_Who are they?_  
\- Pull him out! Quickly! Quickly! -  
Waves, the sea, the water and the salt.  
\- Quickly! We don't want to kill him! -  
_It feels so cold.  
_  
A white and blue surfboard  
\- Come on Phi! Let’s see what you can do! Let's see who's better! -  
The sound of the waves carried away his voice.  
  
The sound of the sea  
Muffled voices cover by the fog that was clouding his mind.  
Darkness...  
Voices that he did not know, foreign voices kept on talking.  
What were they saying?  
He could not see, it was too dark.  
  
\- I'll see you tomorrow then. -  
Another voice echoed in his head.  
\- Yeah, see you tomorrow Ki. - he had replied.  
When and where were already lost but he knew that voice.  
\- I'll see you tomorrow then. -  
He tried to hold on to it as if he was holding on to life.  
The darkness had swallowed all the light.  
He knew he was losing something important, but it was already too late as he could no longer remember what it was.  
\- I'll see you tomorrow then. -  
_Hold on to it._  
_Hold on to what?_  
That voice... that voice it was home...  
_Where am I?_  
That voice was safe.  
There was a rusty metallic taste in his mouth.  
Whose voice was it?  
_Kili.  
_  
OOOOOOOOOO

\- I'll see you tomorrow then. -  
\- Yeah, see you tomorrow Ki. -  
Often the last words we exchange with the people dear to us are simple and trivial, nothing memorable, as we don't know that they will be our last ones.  
If he knew that it would have been the last conversation he was going to have with his brother, he would have talked to him longer...  
He would have said something else maybe... something important.  
\- I'll see you tomorrow then. -  
\- Yeah, see you tomorrow Ki. -  
That had been the last time he heard his brother on the phone.  
But Fili was not dead and those were not his last words, he kept on repeating to himself.  
\- Yeah, see you tomorrow Ki. -  
  
From there the movie rewinded itself in his dreams.  
Piece by piece, every photogram, every detail that was imprinted in his mind.  
Every moment of the last day he had spent with his brother.  
Philip standing on the beach, a black shadow surrounded by sunshine, holding his board looking at the sea in the late afternoon that was hurrying into the early evening.  
Cillian joined him.  
\- Come on Phi! Let’s see what you can do! Let's see who's better! -  
His brother had become more serious.  
Yet, he was sure that if there was something bothering him he would have shared it.  
Probably it was just taken by his studies.  
\- Who's better? Are you serious? - he mocked him as he lifted his board and hurried to meet the waves.  
Kili was right behind him.  
It was a pristine day, not a cloud in the sky.  
The sea had such a deep blue that not even their father with all his talent would have been able to capture it.  
They forgot about time while surfing.  
The sun was shining above them during that long afternoon that could have lasted forever.  
Surfing just before sunset, when life in spite of all its ups and downs seemed so simple and uncomplicated.  
When his only worries were not even to pass his exams, but just to go out with his mates, have fun and maybe find a decent date.  
They surfed almost till dusk.  
They stopped only when they spotted Mireille waiving, calling them from the shore.  
  
After dinner, they had gone out again to sit on the beach.  
Cillian was leaving early in the morning the following day.  
He lit up a cigarette and offer one to his brother.  
\- You should not smoke. -  
\- So, should you. - he replied as Philip pull a cigarette from the packet.  
\- I am not a smoker. -  
\- It's only one... it goes with the beer. -  
They laughed together as they touched bottles.  
\- Summer is almost over. -  
\- Well, I still have a week here. -  
\- Lucky you - Kili snorted. _So unfair_.  
\- It's your fault you know? You delayed your last paper. -  
\- True. I am lucky that they agree to accept it so late. -  
\- We'll have 2 weeks in London when I get back... you'll have 3 weeks there starting from tomorrow. -  
\- True but in less than a month we'll be back to Edinburgh. -  
\- Come on Ki! We need to finish Uni. - he did not sound too convincing.  
Cillian sighed.  
Philip knew his younger brother did not like it up in Scotland at all.  
It was not the place mainly the family... and actually not everyone only some people.  
Cillian had always been very open with his feelings if he liked you or hate you would know.  
Philip, on the other hand, was more diplomatic, he knew how to keep his emotions at bay.  
Yet, he loved his brother spontaneity even if sometimes he did not work in his favour.  
  
Cillian turned to look at the house.  
They could hear their father and Mireille talking and laughing.  
\- I am happy for them. – a satisfied smile lit his face.  
Happiness came easily to Kili. He loved the simple things in life, the basic pleasures.  
\- Me too… - Philip replied. – Yet, sometimes… when I think about mum I feel uneasy somehow...-  
Before his brother could say anything he added.  
\- Don't get me wrong I like Mireille and I think her and dad are a great couple... I just, don't know. -  
\- Mum has us, she not alone. -  
\- Yeah but you know what I mean… -  
\- Yes, I know... love is complicated. - he sighed - She will find someone... one day. -  
\- I really hope so, Ki. -  
Kili's eyes seemed lost counting the many stars in the sky.  
They sat there finishing their beers, both lost in their own thoughts.  
Love somehow scarred Cillian, probably his parents' situation had something to do with it or maybe not, maybe there was something else.  
He did not like to think about it.  
\- Aah, we are getting too serious out here! -  
Cillian said as he stood up and started walking back to the house.  
\- and I think I better get some sleep if I want to catch the ferry tomorrow morning. –  
Philip called after him - Ki? … -  
\- Yeah? -  
The waves filled the silence.  
\- No, nothing. -  
\- Tell me. -  
\- No, it's not important. -  
\- All right. Good night then. -  
\- Good night Ki. I won't stay out here long. -  
There was no way that Cillian could have known what was going through Philip's mind.  
_I wish you'll meet the right person little brother.  
Someone nice... but it won't be her._  
_I don't want to see you suffer, I wish love will be kind to you this time._  
_I'll keep the burden of what I know…_  
  
Kili woke up in the middle of the night.  
His heart felt heavy and his eyes were wet even though he could not remember crying.  
Tauriel was sleeping peacefully next to him.  
_My love_.  
He hugged her, she was going to take his nightmares away.  
\- Amrâlimê – it was a gentle whisper to her ear.  
\- Kili. – she whispered in her sleep.  
\- I am here. Always here, my sweet princess. – he hugged her a little tighter.  
  
Unfortunately, as deep as their love was sometimes it could not take away all the nightmares.  
\- Kili… Kili… -  
His brother was calling him.  
Where was he?  
\- Kili… Kili…-  
Where was Fili? What happened to him?  
Cillian woke up again with his brother's voice still in his head.  
It had happened before, but it had been a long while now.  
Was his brother really calling him? Was it just a bad dream?  
Was he just imagining it?  
The room felt so cold. The darkness was oppressing.  
He sat for a while on the side of the bed trying to calm his thoughts.  
He did not want to wake up Tara, so he got up.  
He needed to do something, anything to get it out of his head.

They were in Ireland, they went to see Cillian’s mother.  
They had been there only two days and they planned to stay there no more than ten days.  
Kili was happy as the two most important women in his life, his girlfriend and his mum seemed to get along quite well.  
\- _How could she not get on with Tauriel, she is too sweet_ – he thought.  
– _She would win over everyone_. -  
Tara asked if they would spend Christmas there.  
However, the festive season was always a challenging time and he was not very keen on the idea.  
\- We’ll see. – he kept it vague.  
They had no real plans or commitment.  
Cillian had started to help on a stall at the Greenwich Market while he was trying to find something more permanent, but it was winter, and the business was quiet, so he was asked to take the time off until the trade picked up again. Tara had found a temporary job at the box office of the local theatre however the person she was covering for came back on the first week of December and they had to let her go. So, it seemed a good idea to go and visit his mother as he had not seen her since the summer and he took the occasion to introduce her to his girlfriend.

Deirdre, his mother, lived in Dalkey about 30 minutes by car from Dublin city centre, in an old house that belonged to the Durnin family.  
Cillian's grandmother had invited her to live there with her kids after the divorce.  
It was a strange arrangement, his mother lived in his father's ancestral home while his grandma lived a two-bedroom apartment in central Dublin, however oddly enough it had worked out for everyone and she never left the place.  
The house felt too big for his mother alone, Kili thought as he wandered along the whitewashed corridors.  
He understood then why his grandmother had given it to them all those years back.  
When he was a kid even though the place was huge, it had never felt as empty and daunting as in that moment.  
It had become a ghostly place where Deirdre lived alone with her missing son memories while her youngest was reluctant to return.  
Then, against his better judgment, he entered his brother's old room. _I should not be here_.  
Everything was exactly in the same place where it had been left the last time Philip had been there.  
His mother kept it spotless, it was like a museum.  
Three years had passed, _next summer it will be four years._  
_How many years still?_  
Sometimes it felt like being in Purgatory without any hope of atonement.  
He looked around but touched nothing.  
The clue to his brother disappearance was not there.  
He laid on Philip's bed staring at the ceiling, but sleep did not come to him.  
\- This one dies first. Then the brother. Then you Oakenshild.  
You will die last. Here ends your filthy bloodline! -That's what came instead.  
The words of Azog reverberated in his brain.  
Then he took Fili's life.  
But there were no orcs… there, no battle, no mountain to defend.  
So where was Philip? What happened to him?  
He thought about Thorin as well, he missed him too.  
If the king under the mountain had been there he would have known what to do, or so he believed.  
Where was his uncle? Had he met him yet in this life?  
Tara was Tauriel, Philip was Fili, Deirdre was Dis… but Thorin?  
He couldn't figure it out.  
There were so many other open questions.  
_Too many. Enough idling._  
He left the room carefully making sure that there was no sign of his presence there.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

A nice smell of freshly baked cake woke up Tara in the morning, it felt homey, and it made her feel safe.  
However, Kili was no with her, his side of the bed was empty.  
She got up quietly and walked down the white corridors.  
The house was almost silent.  
A rich smell of coffee started to permeate the air as she got closer, a nice addition to the cake one and following the delicious aromas she reached the kitchen.  
There she found her handsome prince trying to set the table nicely for the breakfast while clearing up some of the mess he had made.  
\- Wow! Did you bake a cake? -  
\- Well… I wish I could say yes but not… not exactly. – his mischievous smile was priceless.  
\- I went out to the baker's and got a freshly baked cake. -  
\- You? … what time is it? -  
\- 7 o'clock. –  
\- So early… Is the baker even open now? What time… – she stopped at mid-sentence realizing that probably Kili had troubles sleeping, that's why he had woken up so early.  
\- Everything ok? -  
\- Fine. – he smiled. – In here the baker opens his shop just for me to get you a cake. –  
She smiled but before she could add anything his mum walked in.  
\- Good morning. -  
\- Morning mum. –  
\- Good morning Deirdre - for some reason she still found strange calling his mum by name.  
\- Good morning darlings and look what a lovely breakfast we have today! What happened? -  
\- I felt inspired to get you a lovely cake! – he sounded so enthusiastic that Tara's worries melted away.  
\- Thank God for that - she laughed - I thought the kitchen looked a bit too clean. -  
\- What do you mean? – Kili gave her a sideways look.  
\- I mean, imagine if you had decided to bake it yourself. We would have ended up scrubbing the kitchen for days! -  
He rolled his eyes and Tara laughed. The interaction between him and his mum was always quite funny.  
\- Thanks for the appreciation mum -  
\- Oh, it was a lovely thought, dear. – she took one of the slices he had laid on the plate and started to help herself to the coffee and some cereals.  
\- Oh, it was a lovely thought, dear – he mocked her accent – Maybe you should have said that before. Don't you think? -  
\- Come on even Tara is laughing… she knows you. -  
\- For your information, she likes my cooking. Don't you? -  
Tauriel nodded, still laughing.  
\- See? –  
\- Have you baked for her? -  
\- Not, yet. But I will. -  
\- My dear son, you can do many things, but baking is not one of them. – she laughed again.  
Cillian pouted he did not like to be slagged off in front of his girlfriend by his own mother.  
And then he did it, without even realizing, he blurted it all out without thinking.  
\- Not true. We used to bake for you me and Phi, don't you remember? All the time, even after we moved out.  
We used to buy that ready-made mixture for cakes. The cakes always came out lovely. –  
He had turned to Tara, not noticing that his mother face had clouded.  
Sometimes just a word, a smell, something that meant nothing to anybody else made her remember that one of her sons was gone.  
For reasons, she could not explain it brought back all the sorrow.  
Other times she could have gone on for days without feeling that pain, even though the thought was always there.  
It lingered on everything.  
\- I can bake a cake with that mixture. I cannot remember how it is called but I will find and get it and I will make you a cake. You'll see! -  
Only when he turned to look at his mother again he realized.  
Silence fell in the room.  
She sat down on the chair almost if she was scared that the ground was going to give up under her feet.  
_Damn it I have done it again. Why I never watch what I say?_  
\- I'll bake a cake for you with Tara ok? We'll do it together. -  
\- It's not that. -  
\- I know it's not that. – _I am not stupid._  
She looked for his hand, she needed to hold on to the son that was left.  
\- Mum come on! You cannot start like this in the morning. -  
\- I know… I am sorry. -  
He hugged her and still, he knew he would have never been enough.  
Tara felt so out of place almost as if she was eavesdropping on their sorrow.  
She just met Cillian's mum. She sorts of knew Fili, yet she did not know Philip.  
Many thoughts were spiralling in her head she tried to hush away any memory coming from the past.  
Kili wounded in Lake Town and his brother selflessly tending him after she had saved his life.  
_Away, away_ … She had to focus on the present.  
Cillian tried to talk to his mum but nothing he said seemed to comfort her.  
Feeling quite useless, he moved away and with an exasperated sigh, he let himself fall on the sofa next to his girlfriend and then slide down a little on his back.  
His mum was sobbing quietly then she came by the sofa, softly kissed her son's head and stroked Tara's long hairs.  
– I am sorry. – she said as she went to her room.  
He waited that she reached her room, but his tension was palpable.  
\- I hate when she cries. I hate when she is sorry. I hate this whole damn situation! –  
He finally let out once he heard her door closing as he kicked the little coffee table in front of him sending it closer to the TV stand.  
Tauriel sighed herself.  
If only she could do something… anything to take the pain away from him, from his mum, from all of them.  
They were good people and they did not deserve it.  
Awful things do not choose the people, the time or even the place; they just happen, she knew that.  
Yet…  
Something needed to be done and sooner rather than later.  
They were sitting right next to each other, but it felt as if they were miles apart, then after a while, he put on the TV and leaned on her shoulder.  
He was still very difficult for him to let her in when it came to his brother disappearance.  
Philip was not mentioned again in front of his brother during their stay in Ireland, but his presence was very much there.

That same afternoon Cillian told her - Let's go to meet 'the Artist's mum'! - and he took Tara to meet his grandmother.  
She was not quite sure what to expect but the old Durnin matriarch did not disappoint her.  
Kili's Grandma was a tiny and spirited lady, so active and alert that she never stood still a second during their visit.  
She served them a nice aromatic tea in an old china service with the most delicious biscuits.  
Her eyes were captivating, gleaming with energy as they studied the red-haired girl.  
The old lady was unmistakably the one that had gifted her son and grandson with their charming dark eyes.  
Before they left she gave them both a warm hug.  
\- You made an old lady very happy today. - she smiled at the lovely couple and then turn to Cillian.  
\- I trust that you would take good care of this dashing young lady.- A charming grin illuminated his face.  
Before going home they hunged around in Dublin city centre for a while and he showed her all his favourite spots.  
The cinema where he used to work as a teenager, his favourite pub; as always he was her favourite tour guide and definitely the most good-looking in town.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

A few days later Kili's friends and family organized a special night out for them so that Tara could meet everyone.  
She had already met some of them.  
They went to a place called The Dalkey Duck so that she could have 'the full Irish experience' so Cillian told her.  
One of his best friends, Owen had come to visit as soon as he heard that Cillian was back in town and he brought along his girlfriend Aiobheann that was also an old school friend of his.  
Many other friends had begun to pop in during their time there and Deirdre's house felt alive once again.

The old pub was beautifully decorated, the atmosphere was casual and very friendly and they had traditional Irish music played live.  
She really enjoyed it and so did her boyfriend and his mum, even though he told her a couple of times - I am only running on coke now. - in the hope of getting some sympathy but to that she had replied - So you should, my sweet love. - gifting him with one of her precious smiles. Poor Cillian could not argue with that.

In the middle of the evening, Owen's girlfriend grabbed Tauriel's arm.  
\- I would like to steal your girlfriend for a little while… - she told Kili as he nodded while she led her away.  
\- Make sure you bring her back. - he shouted after her.  
\- No worries, she is safe with me. -  
\- Oh, I am not worried. She knows how to look after herself. - winked to Tauriel with a cheeky smile. Her cheeks went red.  
Once they reached a quieter corner of the pub Aiobhean turned around to face her friend's new girlfriend.  
\- Cillian is one my boyfriend best friends and he is also a dear friend of mine. We know him and his whole family since we were little kids. He...To us is practically family. –  
Tara looked stunned by her blunt approach.  
– He is a very good guy with a heart of gold and if you don't mind me saying that, he is actually quite handsome as well, but unfortunately he had already far too much to deal with in his young life. So, I'll get straight to the point… we noticed how Cillian is around you, he is hopelessly in love and I can tell you I have never seen him fall for someone like that before. –Tauriel blushed a little.  
– So please tell me that you are for real and won't just go and break his foolish heart. –  
She could not believe it. The blond Irish girl had really taken her by surprise.  
She had been quite straightforward but her concern seemed genuine. The red-haired girl chose carefully her words.  
\- Cillian is the first thought in my mind when I wake up in the morning and the last when I close my eyes.  
I would never do anything that will cause him pain. I love him... I mean he is the love of my life. –  
Before she could add anything she got wrapped in a warm, almost suffocating hug.  
\- I am glad he found you! You look lovely together! -  
\- I am glad he has such lovely friends that care so much for him. - and she got another strong hug in response.  
\- _We are definitely going to get along_. - she thought.  
  
The night ended quite late; Deirdre was happily tipsy when they got home.  
She would have probably slept on the sofa if they would have let her.  
\- Shall I... - Tara tried to ask but he did not let her finish.  
\- No worries. You must be tired, you can go to bed if you want to. I'll take care of mum. -  
He smiled and somehow she felt it was something he was accustomed to... it had happened before.  
It made her wonder just how difficult must have been for the two brothers when they moved to Ireland after their parents divorced.  
When Kili came to bed she hugged him tightly.  
\- Don't worry my love. - kissed her hands - It's not the first time that I had to tuck my mum into bed but that's fine.  
She was happy today, I am happy and I think we had a good night. -  
He was looking at his personal fairy and even in the darkness, her big green eyes sparkled to him.  
\- We did. - she smiled losing herself in his handsome traits.  
\- I like your friends and your family. They are really warm people. -  
\- I am so happy you do and they love you too... but it is just impossible not to love you. -  
  
OOOOOOOOOO  
  
Tauriel really enjoyed Ireland, she loved it at Deirdre's;  
the young girl had became used Kili's mum home cooking and to the late evening's chats in front of the fireplace often in the company of some of Kili's friends.

One day Cillian had to go and help Owen fix his motorbike.  
\- Don't you wanna come with us? - he asked Tara.  
\- No, I'll stay here with your mum. -  
\- It's not like you have to. -  
\- No, but I like to. -  
He shrugged.  
\- You go.- she smiled.  
\- Don't worry I won't stay late. -  
\- I am not worried. - she said tracing the line of his eyebrow with her finger.  
_And yes, you are sheer perfection._  
He smiled a silly teenage in love smile and he kissed her.

She then spent the afternoon with Cillian's mum looking at old pictures and listening to family stories.  
She had many photos neatly divided into different boxes.  
\- You haven't got any pictures up on the walls... - she trailed off.  
\- I had some of them before, of the boys as they were growing up but one day Cillian took all them down. -  
She did not need to explain, Tara knew that it had happened after his brother went missing.  
\- There were days when he was so angry, he did not know where to direct his frustrations. You could not argue with him, so I let him. - she sighed.  
\- I haven't been the best of mothers at times maybe... those days we were all so lost. I didn't know what to do, I could not help myself and I could not help my son. -  
Tauriel felt for Deirdre, the poor woman had it though as well.  
Impulsively, she hugged Cillian's mother while she was fighting to hold the tears.  
\- Your a good mother and Cillian knows it. -  
\- You are such a sweet girl. I am happy that he has met you. I hope that now things will start to get better for him and that he can finally accept what happened. -  
The thought of accepting Philip's death made her feel somehow unsettled, it was like believing a lie; she, like Kili, believed that he was still alive.  
Then Deirdre took a picture from one of the boxes and hand it to Tara.  
\- They took this when they left France, Cillian was 18 and Philip 21. I know my son keeps a copy of this picture in his wallet all the time. -  
She thought about Kili's mobile screensaver as she held the picture.  
They were two happy and smiling, handsome guys, no wonder that their mother was so proud of her boys.  
They looked tanned after spending the summer on the coast of Britanny, two surfers.  
They both had shaved heads, Kili had his usual bit of stubble and Fili was clean-shaven.  
He was exactly as she remembered him in Lake Town less the long hair and the beard.

When Kili came back he found her curled up on the sofa, in front of the fireplace her eyes lost in the dancing flames while his mother was cooking.  
She gave him an extra strong hug.  
\- Everything ok? -  
She nodded.  
\- Well, I think that's the effect of a whole afternoon with my mum, then. -  
\- I heard you. Be nice to your girlfriend. -  
\- It was a private conversation, by the way, and I am always nice to my girlfriend. -  
Tara smiled and they went to help to set the table for the dinner.  
  
OOOOOOOO

Tara tried to press Kili to stay a little longer, but it was practically impossible even with all her persuasion.  
He had made up his mind. Actually, they had already overstayed an extra ten days.  
\- Don't you think your mum will be lonely for Christmas? -  
\- She is lonely anyway. -  
\- What's the problem with Christmas here? -  
\- Everything. -  
Tauriel pouted.  
\- You are so adorable. - he kissed her sweetly.  
\- We'll spend a lovely Christmas and new year in London no worries. I'll take you to Winter Wonderland. -  
She rolled her eyes in reply.  
\- Don't worry my granddad won't let her spend Christmas over here alone. He'll fly her to Scotland to stay with the family. -  
\- He will cost him a fortune now to get the ticket. -  
\- He doesn't mind and I don't mind either. -  
\- Still. -  
\- Come on, don't you miss home? -  
She shook her head.  
\- We cannot keep on moving around like gipsies. - he almost could not keep a straight face while he said it.  
\- Listen who is talking. - she snorted.  
\- There are some battles you cannot win, my sweet love. -  
Before she could add anything he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her closer for a passionate kiss.  
\- Did I tell you once that I am not someone that gives up easily? - his lips were tracing her jawline and 'poor' Tara was totally lost in that tight embrace.  
He most definitely knew how to win an argument.

OOOOOOOOOOO  
  
There was only darkness.  
He tried desperately to open his eyes but he could not.  
There was only darkness.  
Then a strong light hit his eyes and he felt hopeless he could not move.  
He could not react to the light.  
_What happened?_  
A female voice was talking but he could not make up what she was saying.  
Then there were many strange beeping noises for a while...  
and in the end, there was nothing for a really long time.  
No noises, no voices, no light, nobody, no pain, no memories nothing at all.

When he finally managed to open his eyes again, after while when it had all come into focus, everything looked terrifying and alien to him.  
Sterile white walls, tubes run across his body and into it and there were many weird beeping noises.  
Even more, terrifying was the fact that he felt totally paralyzed.  
Apart from opening and closing his eyes the rest of his body did not want to respond.  
_What kind of place is this? What kind of world is this? What have they done to me?_  
_Where is Kili? Where is Thorin? Where's everyone?_

_  
_


	2. Fili's Ghosts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to update. This chapter was meant to be much longer but I thought It was better to post it now as it is, as it will take me another week before I can finish. Sorry but summer is very busy! ;)
> 
> I hope you'll like it and I hope that I got Fili right. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think.  
> Sorry the many typos, I will review it in the next few days.

We all are living in a dream  
But life ain’t what it seems  
Oh everything’s a mess  
And all these sorrows I have seen  
They lead me to believe  
That everything’s a mess  
But I wanna dream  
I wanna dream  
Leave me to dream  
\- Dream - Imagine Dragon -

Memories are dangerous things.  
You turn them over and over, until you know every touch and corner, but still you'll find an edge to cut you.  
\- Mark Lawrence - Prince of Thorns -  
  
=======================

Philip was standing on the beach, holding his board just letting the stunning surroundings sink in, soothing his soul.  
It was one of those the late summer afternoons that never wants to end and that makes people think that warm season will last forever.  
Many thoughts had played in his mind during that summer, many memories, many tormented dreams.

His brother joined him, patting him on the back.  
\- Come on Phi! Let’s see what you can do! Let's see who's better! -  
No matter what was in his mind, Kili good spirit was contagious.  
He was always able to bring a smile to his face.  
\- Who's better? Are you serious? - he mocked him as he lifted his board and hurried into the sea.  
Cillian was right behind him, he could not remember a time when he had not been like that.  
It was a glorious day and he loved the way the sun, kissed their faces.  
The sea was of lovely deep blue that captured the eyes and lead them far away to the horizon.  
They forgot about time while surfing and the early evening caught them almost unaware.  
Surfing just before sunset took away all his worries.  
He looked at his younger brother, so happy and carefree.  
_That's how you should be._  
Life, despite all its ups and downs was easy.  
Cillian only worried to pass his exams at Uni or more likely about where go out with his mates, maybe find a decent date and generally have as much fun as he could.

After dinner, they sat on the beach.  
His brother was leaving early in the morning the following day.  
Cillian had lit up a cigarette and offered him one.  
_It’s not good for you_.  
\- You should not smoke. -  
\- So, should you. - he retorted as Philip took a cigarette from the packet.  
\- I am not a smoker. -  
\- It's only one... it goes with the beer. -  
They laughed together as they touched bottles and Fili remembered all the times when they sat outside, late at night in Ered Luin smoking their pipes, talking about everything and nothing, imagining faraway places and dreaming of adventures.  
The stories their uncle told them during their childhood had filled their minds with wonder and all they could think about were heroic warriors and epic battles.  
_Little did we know. Every hero pays his price_.  
\- Summer is almost over. - his brother brought him back to reality.  
\- Well, I still have a week here. -  
\- Lucky you - Kili snorted.  
\- It's your fault you know? You delayed your last paper. – he had to remind him.  
\- True. I am lucky that they agree to accept it so late. -  
\- We'll have two weeks in London when I get back... you'll have 3 weeks there starting from tomorrow. -  
They had planned it well and he knew his brother was looking forward to it, already planning every single evening.  
\- True but in less than a month we'll be back to Edinburgh. -  
It was no secret that Cillian did not like it there at all.  
It was mainly some people on their family that really got on his nerves... on both their nerves actually but Fili knew how to be patient.  
\- Come on Ki! We need to finish Uni. - he could not even convince himself.  
His brother sighed.  
Kili was an open book he never tried to keep his emotions at bay.  
He on the other hand, was more tactful, subtler. It has always been like that.  
Yet, he liked his brother direct approach, relaxed and unconstrained... unfortunately it had not always worked in his favour, especially with his mother's relatives.

Cillian turned to look at the house.  
They could hear their father and Mireille talking and laughing.  
\- I am happy for them. – a satisfied smile lit his face.  
Happiness came easily to Kili. He loved the simple things in life, the basic pleasures.  
\- Me too… - Philip replied. – Yet, sometimes… when I think about mum I feel uneasy somehow...-  
Before his brother could say anything he added.  
\- Don't get me wrong I like Mireille and I think her and dad are a great couple... I just, don't know. -  
\- Mum has us, she not alone. -  
\- Yeah but you know what I mean… -  
\- Yes, I know... love is complicated. - he sighed - She will find someone... one day. -  
\- I really hope so, Ki. -  
His brother really loved their mother, they both did, despite the heated arguments they had at times.  
Kili shared his concerned about her being unable to settle after their father left.  
Once, when he was younger, Cillian told him - She just still loves him too much and don't think she will ever change. -  
\- _What do you know about love_ \- he thought then - _Do you even remember?_ -  
but he could not find the answer he was looking for in his eyes.  
Sometimes his thoughts turned sad when he thought about Dis... in that other life she lost everyone, every single member of her family, everyone she held dear in her heart.  
_I am happy that mum cannot remember._

When his gaze left the horizon to turn to Kili, his brother eyes seemed lost counting the many stars in the sky.  
Sometimes he wondered if Kili had ever recalled anything, if he had ever seen anything, maybe even just glimpse of who they were.  
There had been times when he thought he did... even if only subconsciously.  
Their thoughts took both of them faraway in different directions for a while.  
\- Aah, we are getting too serious out here! -  
Cillian complained as he stood up and started walking back to the house.  
\- and I think I better get some sleep if I want to catch the ferry tomorrow morning. –  
Philip hesitated then he called after him - Ki? … -  
\- Yeah? -  
It was not clear in his head what he wanted to ask.  
He was just too lost in that faraway world where they used to live.  
The waves filled the silence.  
He hesitated once again.  
\- No, nothing. -  
\- Tell me. -  
\- No, it's not important. -  
_It's better this way._  
Sometimes he worried that one day he might no longer be able to hold it and that all he knew would come out.  
\- All right. Good night then. -  
\- Good night Ki. I won't stay out here long. -  
Other times he worried about Cillian, his was still young but his approach to love was somehow impatient, almost restless.  
He was a charmer and the girls fell for him.  
Philip was not jealous, he could never be, he had his fair share of luck with the ladies.  
However, none of his brother's girlfriend seemed to last long.  
Probably his parents' situation had something to do with it or maybe not...  
maybe there was something else...maybe without even realizing it he was already looking for her.  
_I wish you'll meet the right person little brother._  
_Someone nice... but it won't be her._  
_I don't want to see you suffer, I wish love will be kind to you this time._  
_I'll keep the burden of what I know…_  
  
OOOOOO  
  
Philip could not really recall when the memories of his past life first came to him.  
He had always known.  
When he was a young child few memories already came through.  
He did not elaborate much on them.  
To him they were stories that ‘sort of played’ in his head.  
Sometimes he shared them with his little brother who took them as a game, so they let their imagination run wild and they were always on quest to find a treasure or travelling looking for an adventure.  
Then, as he grew, he remembered more and more, and everything started to make sense.  
He knew it had been Fili in another world, in another life.  
He had mother but no father, he had his uncle instead and he loved them dearly.  
He had also a younger brother whom he loved and adore, and he had been lucky enough to meet him again.  
That life had not been easy, and it was ended abruptly but he had liked to be Fili never the less.  
If he could he would have wished more time and more adventures.

When Philip was ten and his little brother was seven something happened.  
They were playing in the park Cillian had followed him when he climbed on top of a tree.  
\- I told you to stay down there. - he shouted at him.  
\- but I want to come with you. -  
\- I told you to stay back. - he had shouted louder.  
\- No. - the little one pouted.  
\- Ah, you are so stubborn! -  
\- No. - the little voice replied a little louder.  
Fili would have laughed if he had not been so annoyed by little Kili's behaviour.  
Cillian always liked to do whatever came to his mind and he never listen to any warning.  
He wished his little brother was a little less reckless and a little more fearful.  
Philip wanted to climb higher, but he could not have him to follow behind.  
\- Look! Look mum is coming. Get down quickly! - he tried to trick him.  
It worked little Kili started to climb down as fast as he could, and Fili started to climb higher.  
However, when he turned to look down from the top of the tree, he saw his little brother lying unconscious on the ground.  
One of the branches had broken and the young child had fallen to the ground.  
Philip shouted at the top of his lungs to get his parents attention as he climbed down.  
By the time they got to them Kili had regain consciousness and Fili was hugging him so tight the little one was almost unable to breathe.  
The incident had brought to Philip one of the most powerful memories ever and one of the most painful, the saddest.  
Their parents started to argue there and then, completely oblivious to their son's troubles.  
His mum wanted to go to the hospital to have his little brother check by the doctors, while their father played the whole incident down.  
\- Kids are like rubber, the boy is fine. Don’t you see? You are just scarring them with your worries. -  
The memory that had come to young Fili has set on in his heart one of the greatest fears of his life: losing his little brother.  
He remembered his own death and then he remembered how his spirit had witnessed the death of his brother and then his uncle.  
\- This one dies first. Then the brother. Then you Oakenshild.  
You will die last. Here ends your filthy bloodline! -The orc had shouted before killing him.  
\- Run- he had screamed to them.  
But they had not listen.  
Young Fili cried for them many times in his bed, just at the thought of that memory, when he knew that his little brother was already asleep.  
He had nightmares for months.  
His parents had begun to talk about divorce around the same time so logically they blamed their son troubles sleeping and odd behaviour on that.  
It was then that Philip had decided not to share his knowledge of their past with Cillian.  
It had been horrible… heart-breaking to be a silent, powerless witness watching his brother’s life end.  
As joyful as he was Kili was a sensitive kid and he was already quite upset by his parents’ separation.  
Fili did not want his little brother to remember his death, their deaths and all that pain.

They moved to Ireland less than a year after that silly accident and they both hated the move.  
The young brothers had to leave their home and all their friends behind.  
Their father was no longer with them and they were not even sure when they were going to see him again, their mum was very upset.  
Philip being the eldest took everything on himself… in a way that was how Thorin had brought him up.

Little Cillian had grown frustrated with the whole divorce situation and he had become quite difficult.  
One day during one of his tantrum he started to scream at his mum.  
– Dad’s gone. I have no Dad anymore. – their mother was crying.  
That did it for poor Fili, he slapped him hard to make him shut up.  
\- Stop being such a baby! You have a dad. You don’t know what is like to be with no dad. -  
He immediately regretted it, as soon as his hand touched his brother's face.  
Kili did not outer a sound, he did not even cry. He just stood there holding his cheek looking at him.  
Then while Fili walked away he shouted after him – You don’t know it either. -  
That hurt, because Philip knew, he knew how it was to grow up with no dad. He knew it all.  
Every day one more piece of who was Fili got added to his story.  
Fili had gone wonder around for hours with all his thought and memories.  
When he got back home he was already dark and he found his brother asleep on the bench outside the front door.  
When he woke him up, Kili hugged him so tight.  
\- I don't want to lose you too. -  
They cried together on that bench and Philip was just grateful that they still had each other.

All these memories were lost in a blink of an eye, on late summer evening.  
A moment was all it took and everything that Philip was, brother, son, friend it was all gone.  
He had disappeared leaving an immense void.

OOOOOO

Kili...Kili - he kept on calling.  
He knew his brother was not there yet somehow, he believed he could hear him.  
Where was he? Where was everyone? In which kind of Hell had he been sent to?  
How long had it been? How long since he last saw him?  
\- Kili...Kili...- he would never stop calling.  
Tears that he could not even feel streamed down his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Thanks for your Kudos and your comments.


	3. Haunted dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Real life seems to catch up with Kili and Tauriel as they get busy with their day to day issues, Fili becomes just a thought that hangs between reality, memories and dreams.  
> Kili struggles and Tauriel finds it difficult to reach him at times.  
> Will they decide to go a look for the missing prince?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long, but the Summer has been extremely busy and I found any possible excuse to be outdoors enjoying the good weather ;)  
> I never forgot about this story, I just decided to let it play in my head rather that put it down in words.  
> Any way yesterday I went to look for my inspiration and he was great ...so here it is what came out. I hope you like it and please let me know what you think and sorry for all the typos I can wait to post this chapter so will review it later today.  
> And many thanks to Papillon Rouge that got me started.  
> 

The most beautiful souls are often the most broken. - Anonymous -

My past has tasted bitter  
For years now  
So I wield an iron fist  
Grace is just weakness  
\- I'll be good - Jaymes Young -   
   
=======================================

Winter got chillier and chillier.  
It could have been snowing before Christmas.  
Tauriel and Cillian flew back to London in the morning of the day before Christmas’ Eve.  
After all Kili was happy that they went to visit his mother, she had to meet Tauriel and she needed to see him; however he  
absolutely did not want to get stuck in Ireland during that time of the year.  
Yet, the trip had left him somehow unsettled, he could not forget the night he heard his brother calling him. _Was it real?  
  
_ On the day of their return, while they were unpacking their suitcases, Tara's mobile beeped.  
\- I’ve got a text from one of my stepsisters. She is asking if I want to spend Christmas with them. -  
\- And do you want to? - he read the hesitation in her voice.  
\- Obviously, you are invited as well. -  
\- but? - he knew something was bothering her.  
\- It won’t be a nice Christmas, I know.– she sighed.  
He put his arm around her and pulled her closer.  
\- I really want to see my dad. I want him to meet you. – she finally said.  
\- Don’t worry about me if you can put up with them, I can. -  
\- Are you sure? - she felt guilty for imposing her family on him.  
\- Sure. - an encouraging smile lit his face.  
\- I feel bad. You didn't want to spend your Christmas with your mum and now you have to spend it with my family. -  
\- It’s a different situation. -  
\- You will have to put up with them. -  
\- Oh well, if I can put up with my mum’s family, I can put up with them I guess. - he shrugged.  
\- I love you. - she whispered in his ear before she kissed him.

Tara had told him that she and her sisters were not particularly close but still, Cillian could have never imagined until he had to spend Christmas with them.  
His relationship with any member of his family was much different, whether he loved them, hated them or he just had to put with them.  
His relationship his brother was particularly close and he knew it was not the same everybody else, yet...  
The word cold took a whole new meaning once he met Tara's sisters.  
They had been polite with them, so he could not really complain that they had not treated them well but there was no warmth, no affection, no love in that family.  
_\- My poor love you are like Cinderella with the two evil stepsisters -_ he thought sadly.  
They did not hate her, nor love her, they just kind of put up with her and he struggled to comprehend how was it possible that they could not warm up to her.  
Kili understood then all too well why she wanted to stay in Ireland a little longer.  
The only one that was truly happy to see them was Tara’s dad.  
He was much older than Cillian's parents and he looked quite frail; clearly, the death of his wife had affected him badly.  
He was a good man, he clearly missed his daughter and he was eager to spend some time with her.  
They talk for a long time in the afternoon and Kili was happy for Tauriel to spend as much time as possible with him.  
\- I am happy she has met you. - Tara's dad told him as they were saying goodbye.  
\- I'll take care of her. - He promised earnestly.  
\- I trust you will. - the old man definitely liked and approved his daughter's new boyfriend.  
After all Cillian’s family as complicated as it was, it did not seem so bad.  
The cab ride back home was very quiet.  
\- I tried to tell you... to warn you it was going to be like that. – she apologized. _  
You should not apologize.  
_ \- That’s fine. Like I said I didn’t mind… I was just worried about you. -  
\- I have you now, you are with me, my prince. I cannot ask for more. -  
She laid her head on his shoulder.  
_I love you Tauriel.  
_ \- I don't want to see you sad. I want to make you happy each and every single day. -  
\- You do my love. You always do. -

OOOOOOOOOOOO

The theatre contacted Tara at the beginning of January to offer her a position at the box office until the end of April.  
It was only four months, but it was better than nothing, it was close to home and she enjoyed working there.  
Cillian had less luck. It was still too cold, so nobody needed help at the market.  
They had called him only a few times. However, he did not give up on finding a job.  
It was not in nature to be inactive for long.  
He needed to be occupied with something and he would have been definitely not healthy for him to stay at home.  
Besides, he had decided that he was no longer going to use his family's help as he wanted to provide for Tara and himself on his own.  
  
\- I know a job will find me very soon. - he told Tara while sending out yet one more job application.  
\- I am sure it will. - she smiled positively.  
Seeing him filling up forms on the internet she became a bit curious.  
\- I have never asked you before. What kind of studies have you got? -  
\- Well, I never finished Uni, but I took my Leaving Certificate at 16 just before I left Ireland. – a proud smile lit his features.  
– Basically, it’s like the Irish version of the GCSE and it is recognized here as well. – he then explained noticing he puzzled expression.  
\- I am not as silly as I sound – he winked– There is some brain matter between my ears. –  
She smiled and closed the space between them with a kiss.  
\- Not just a pretty face – she murmured.  
\- but that little grey matter I have melts away every time you kiss me. – He made her laugh.  
_You are just too sweet. What have I done to deserve you?  
_ \- Can I ask you what were you and Fili studying in Scotland then? -  
\- Finance. - he answered flatly.  
\- Finance? - her eyes widen in surprise. She could not help it.  
\- Oh, don't look at me like that. It was not my idea. -  
\- Sorry, just I did not expect it...- she still could not hide her surprise.  
\- I know, me too. - he grimaced. - Finance is not me, really. My Grandfather paid for it so there was no choice.  
Mind you, my marks were not bad, and I never failed an exam. - She looked impressed.  
\- It was hard to study - a cleaver expression appeared on his face. - but I had my brother to help me. Fili is very clever.  
He was studying for a master. He already has a degree that he took it while we were in France. -  
\- Wow, in French. -  
\- No, he did one of those distant learning degrees. -  
\- I see. -  
\- Yes, he studied everything on his own while we were out there. I told you he is the brainy one. - He was so proud of his brother.  
\- Don't underestimate yourself. - she said.  
\- Maybe I am just a different kind of clever. - he turned around and pulled her on his lap.  
\- You are my kind of clever. - she kissed him softly.  
\- That's what matters. - he grinned.

OOOOOOOOO

As Kili had predicted a job 'found him' ...at the end of January while he was walking through Greenwich market.  
He was going to pick up Tara, it was a surprise.  
He had planned to take her out for dinner and then to the cinema when one of the guys that run some of the stalls called him over.  
All the traders were having a beer together before packing up.  
\- Old Jack was looking for you lad. -  
\- Really? - That was a bit unexpected.  
Old Jack was a known face at the market, he showed up every day rain or shine; snow, wind, thunder not even a hurricane could have stopped him. Nobody knew his age, it looked a bit like the old oak trees up in the park.  
He had only one tooth and no stall, but he helped everyone to sell their gear... so at the end of the day, he always got a free lunch, dinner and even a cold beer or two.  
Everyone knew, or better they thought, that he had no home and slept wherever a bed was available.  
Cillian often joked with him but after all, everybody talked to old Jack.  
\- Are you still looking for work? -  
\- Yeah? Why? - he asked cautiously.  
The big guy laughed loudly. - You should see your face kid. -  
\- Well, we are talking about old Jack here. What kind of job can he give me? - The guy looked at him from top to bottom.  
Kili was smartly dressed, ready for a night out.  
\- Male stripper? - he laughed even louder so did the guys behind him.  
\- That's not even a joke. That's scary. - disbelief was painted on his face.  
\- He has a daughter you know. - the man could not stop laughing.  
They loved to mock Cillian when they had a chance as much as he enjoyed mocking them.  
\- And I have a girlfriend. -  
\- Lucky girl. - a female voice shouted within the crowd and they all laughed and cheered even louder.  
A young woman covered in tattoos emerge from the group.  
\- Fancy a beer. -  
\- No thanks. Next time. - he answered quickly.  
\- You scared the poor kid, Louise. - some else shouted and they all laughed again  
\- Well, if you dare to go and find him, Old Jack is at the Tavern. - the big guy that stopped him earlier told him.  
\- Thanks. - he left them to their jokes and their drinks.  
\- No worries, that kid ain't the type to get scared. - Louise's voice fainted in the background.  
Kili went to find Jack and he turned out that the old man had some removal jobs for him.  
He accepted happily, and he immediately told Tara.  
They went on to have dinner along the river on the Southbank to celebrate.  
It was hard work and for the following month he woke up at dawn and returned home in the late in the afternoon, but that was actually exactly what he was looking for.  
He was too tired to remember, or dream and he dedicated every spare minute he had to the love of his life.  
So time passed without him feeling it.  
  
OOOOOOOOO

At the end of February Kili's mum rang him on a Saturday morning.  
\- Hi mum. How are you? -  
\- I'm fine thanks. I was wondering if you and Tara had plans for Easter? -  
\- Easter? I don't even know when is Easter... besides I thought we did only Christmas, no? - he added knowing exactly where the conversation was going.  
\- It means you are not coming. - she snorted.  
\- No, we are not coming. -  
\- Ok, then and are you free tomorrow morning? -  
\- Tomorrow? Why? -  
\- I am coming to see you and to do some shopping in London. I am flying out tomorrow. -  
\- What? Where? -  
\- I am landing at 12pm in London City Airport. -  
\- Jesus! Did they not teach you to give people a little warning before showing at their door? -  
\- People? You are not people. You are my son! -  
\- Even more so... Just let me know before you come! -  
\- You sound like you don't want to see me. -  
\- Oh, come on! I love you mum but just let me know next time before you show up at my doorstep. -  
\- You make it sound so bad. -  
\- Well, I have a life you know? -  
  
\- I cannot believe it. We just went to see her in December and she is already flying over here. - he complained to Tara once the call with his mother ended.  
\- She is lonely. -  
\- She needs to find a man. - he rolled his eyes.  
\- Come on! - she rolled her eyes.  
\- I need to subscribe her to one of those dating sites.-  
Tauriel chuckled at that comment. - It will be only for a couple of days. -  
\- No, it won't! I bet anything that she will be over for at least two weeks. -  
\- That's fine. - Tauriel did not mind.  
\- Wait when she starts to rearrange the furniture - he snorted while she shook her head.  
\- Well, at least I still have some work to keep me busy and out of her way. -  
  
While his mum was with them she took care of everything in the house, however, Tara did not mind her at all and Cillian was happy that they got along.  
- _Probably she likes to be looked after by my mum_. - he thought, remembering her family.  
  
During her stay, Deirdre insisted to take them out for dinner and she booked one of the oldest restaurants in town, a posh place called Kettner's Townhouse in Soho.  
\- That's typical, mum... and her family. - Kili snorted once he knew where they were going.  
\- They go there to show off and be seen. -  
Tauriel was quite concerned, just at the thought.  
A place like that was not for her. Feeling her worries he pulled her in a tight embrace.  
\- You don't need to worry about a thing. You are so beautiful that all eyes will be on you. -  
\- That's the problem Kili. I am not used to that. -  
\- Nonsense. You will be fine, and I will be with you. You will love it. I'll make you feel like a princess. -  
\- You always do... we don't need the posh restaurant. -  
\- Oh, but we do. Otherwise, when are you going to wear the dress that I bought you? -  
\- What dress? ... You didn't. -  
\- I did. - he smiled.  
\- You shouldn't have. -  
\- And I will be wearing a suit... you cannot tell me that you don't want to see me in a suit. - his cheeky smile was so captivating.  
\- You are terrible, you know? - she was already melting just looking into his eyes.  
\- Uhm, I know. - he said, unrepentant while he started to kiss her neck and then moved up along her jawline.  
\- You cannot win with me, my girl. -  
\- Maybe I don't want to. - she whispered.

The dress Cillian got for her was simply the best one anybody had ever bought her.  
It was of a pale shade of pink that she would have never gone for, however, it complemented perfectly her fair skin tone.  
It was simple and fluid but extremely pretty and feminine and it had a flattering cut that elegantly hugged her silhouette.  
\- I chose the dress and my mum picked the colour, but I must say...you...- for once her prince was lost for words, it took him few seconds to 'recover' his train of thoughts.  
\- ...You know my love you could wear rugs for me and you would still be the most gorgeous woman on the planet - he finally managed  
\- yet, I must say you look absolutely stunning. -   
Kili simply could not take his eyes off her.  
However, Tauriel reaction was matching his when she saw him all suited and ready.  
He was wearing a fitting blue suit with a skinny black tie and a white shirt that enhanced his lean physique.  
He had let his hair grow so the wavy unkept locks now reached just above his shoulders and as his mum did not quite approve of his rough look he had decided to pull them back in a very small tight ponytail.  
Tara had never seen him in a suit before, but she was quite pleasantly surprised, he looked more than handsome.  
She could find no words to describe him.  
\- So what to think? Is it alright? My mum has complained so much about my hair that I thought this would please her. -  
She simply nodded in approval, just looking at him she had completely lost her train of thoughts.  
Basically, the 'poor' girl could not manage much more. She had got stuck in his charming features, in the way the suit was clinging on his body, in the way he looked with his hairs pulled back, his elegant traits were emphasized and her mind was just lost.

Cillian had entered the restaurant with a lady under each arm and as he had told Tara everyone was looking.  
Many people came to their table mainly to speak with his mother and all they had to do was give a polite nod and exchange a few words. It has been a long time since Deirdre was in London so it was expected.  
It was better than Tauriel had anticipated and this was especially thanks to her prince that made always sure that she was at ease.  
The food was superb, probably very expensive but definitely the best she had in all her life.  
Even the dishes were fantastic when the arrived at the table, they were decorated like masterpieces, she almost felt sorry to eat.  
  
Kili went to the airport with his mum when she left to help her with the luggage.   
He did not complain that she bought too much or that her suitcases were too heavy.  
He just hugged her and said - Thank you for taking care of us. -

Deirdre had stayed for 20 days and so it was already the end of March.  
Life had been so busy for both them that for a while it almost seemed their past lives were forgotten.  
Fili was not mentioned even though he was always there almost as if hiding behind the surface of their normal reality.

OOOOOOOOOO  
  
Tara loved her life in Greenwich, her new home and most than anything taking care of her precious prince. _Kili is my life now_.  
She had got used to invite her friends to visit her from time to time, something she was not accustomed to before and they were all pleased with the changes that happened in her. They all recognized how she had flourished with Cillian in her life.  
One of the most regular visitors was obviously Claire.  
She was there at least once a week, come early mornings or late evenings she was the only one 'allowed' to show up at any time.

After the removal job had ended Cillian was quick to find another one.  
He found work at a primary school on the other side of the river not too far from Greenwich.  
They needed someone to paint a colourful mural in the school's canteen.  
It was much better than doing removals and it gave him the opportunity to get in touch again with his artistic side.  
He had not painted anything in an awfully long time and only then he realized that he had missed it terribly.  
He simply loved it. He was very happy and so was Tara.

Tauriel went to see him at the school a couple of times.  
He was laughing surronded by children, entertaining them with his stories and showing them how to paint while making a huge mess around. He looked so cool, relaxed and trouble free that she felt relieved that things seemed to be getting better for him.  
She had not told him but she had felt his tension since they returned from Ireland.  
He was a restless soul and she knew all too well the cause of it but she was well aware that it was still a difficult subject.  
Both times she had left without him noticing her, she did not want to disturb him especially when it seemed so at peace.  
Cillian loved to play with the young children and to let them paint with him.  
They made an unbelievable mess but it was fun, it took his mind away.  
One morning though, while he was mixing the colours and getting the brushes ready he spotted a small group of kids arguing and without even realizing it he had started listening. They were picking on one of them, the smallest. _He always has to be the smallest!_  
Before he could go and help another kid stormed in.  
\- Leave him alone. - he shouted - Pick on someone your size. -  
They mocked him - Look who's here. Big brother came to defend the 'little girl'. -  
The two boys did not hesitate, still the kid managed to send them away then he turned to his younger brother that was sobbing to comfort him.  
It lasted less than five minutes but that simple exchange sent Kili's mind to a totally different place.  
Every word, every action had resonated deep inside him, because he had been that little boy once, maybe just a bit more feisty, and his big brother has always been there. _Fi.  
_ He could no longer paint that day, he found an excuse to leave and he spent the day wandering the streets without a purpose.  
He could not stop nor control the memories that were spinning like crazy inside his head.  
Yet, he felt he could not go home.  
  
One early morning Claire came for breakfast as she and Tara had planned a trip to the local market.  
It was about 10 o'clock when Kili came casually strolling down the stairs.  
\- Morning Claire. -  
\- Good morning Cillian. How are you? -  
\- Fine, I am off to work. - he declared.  
\- Are you not a bit late for work? - Claire could not miss the opportunity. Tauriel chuckled.  
\- No, I am an artist and artists require inspiration to start working. - he clarified while quickly drinking his coffee and munching on some biscuits.  
\- I thought you were painting a mural... - she replied a bit sceptical.  
\- Yes, it is still art. -   
\- A mural in a school... - Claire could not help herself, disbelieve rang in her words.  
\- Listen, art is in the eyes of the beholder. - he was quickly trying to make sure he had everything he needed before leaving.  
\- I thought that was 'beauty'. -  
\- It's the same thing. -  
Tara and Claire exchanged an accomplice glance.  
\- Anyway, If I remember right your father starts painting quite early in the morning. - Tauriel smiled.  
\- Yeah, but I got my inspiration just now... - he lifted his gaze to meet her eyes.  
\- Looking at you. - he added reaching her and landing a sweet kiss on her lips, then he hurried to the door.  
Tauriel mind was lost trying to capture him as he left.  
\- Bye ladies! - he shouted.  
\- Bye! - they shouted back.  
\- I knew he was the right one for you the moment I saw him! - a satisfied look was painted on her best friend face - I told you. -  
\- You did. - she whispered, still lost after her prince.  
  
Everything comes to an end so did his job. He had finished the mural and the teachers at the school were very happy.  
They complimented him many times for the good work and promised to give him excellent references.  
He was all happy even if he had finished working and he wanted to bring Tara to see his 'new masterpiece'.  
So, he packed up all his stuff and was ready to leave when he saw them again.  
He was the two little brothers, the eldest one was tying up the laces for the little one.  
He stood there and looked at them as if he was in a trance.  
_Fi. How many times you did my laces?  
How many times I had asked you even after I learnt how do them?  
Just because I liked you to do it for me.  
_ Tears were raising, but they did not want to fall.  
He shook himself out of that reverie and left as quickly as he could.  
He was still early, but he could not go home so he wandered around for a while.  
He stopped at an Off License to get 2 beers, a packet of cigarettes and some mints.  
Then he sat on a bench at the nearby park, he lit up a cigarette and he subconsciously put one bottle next to him on the bench almost as if he was waiting for someone else.  
He always bought two bottles just out of habit, buying just one seemed strange.  
_I am such a sad case. I should not be here drinking at this time of the day.  
_ He did not matter, he could not control it.  
He knew Tauriel would not be happy if she saw him, she would worry, yet he was unable to move, unable to stop himself.  
  
He sat there for a while. He had finished the first bottle and was drinking the second one when something he did not expect happened.  
\- Hello Cillian. - He lifted his gaze to find a blond lady very smartly dressed in a dark blue suit.  
\- Hi Lily. - he greeted her.  
\- How are you? - she asked and he looked at the beer in his hand.  
\- Clearly not doing well, today. - he smiled sadly.  
Seeing Lillian was a real surprise.  
He had met her nearly 2 years before, in Ireland, at the clinic where his mother had sent him.  
He felt exactly as when he was a child and his mum caught him with his hands in the candy jar _. Guilty._  
The only difference was that when it happened back then, and he lost his balance standing on top of the kitchen counter to reach the cupboard, he had fallen on his brother.  
Now, it was free fall. Nobody was there to catch him.  
Lillian sat next to him, she delicately took the beer from his hands and placed it on the ground right at the opposite end of the bench.  
\- What brings you here? -  
\- I've got a job in a very good company in Dublin financial district and they sent me here to the City for a couple of days. -  
\- Wow! That's fantastic Lily. I am so happy for you. - he said genuinely delighted for her and she felt it looking into his eyes and smiled back at him.  
Lillian was about ten years older than him.  
She had lost her young son and her husband in a car accident and had turned to 'drinking'.  
Life had crushed her down so quickly.  
When he met her at the clinic she was at her lowest point, nothing like the stylish business woman that was sitting right next to him.  
He was at his lowest as well, so they got quite close while they were stuck in that awful place.  
She had found it easy to open up to Cillian, he was honest, sincere; he understood her grief and it had been the same for him.  
Lillian had listened, she had not been frightened by his sorrowful destructive rage as she knew it as well.    
He had left before her as soon as he felt a bit better. She had stayed a while longer.  
\- Would you like to come for a coffee? -  
\- No... well... I -  
\- Come on.- She grabbed his arm.  
\- You can't say no to me. -  
\- Fine. - he snorted.

\- So, how have you been? - she asked and he still could not believe how different she looked from the first time they met.  
She was a woman in control of her destiny. He still struggled.  
\- Ups and downs and you just caught me on one of my downs days. -  
\- I can see. - she smiled and clearly, she wanted him to elaborate a bit more.  
\- Well, I am doing better in general... I think. I moved back over here. I live in Greenwich now with my girlfriend and I mostly don't drink at all except for today. -  
\- What happened today? - she was not afraid to ask anything because they had shared a lot together.  
Back in rehab, she had broken down shaking in tears right in front of him, like a little girl.  
All their deep flaws and personal issues had been laid bare for everyone to see in the group sessions.  
They both had seen each other in their most awful state.  
He told her about his job and about the two boys and how he felt as he knew she would understand.  
\- Sometimes I see families in the parks, mums and dads playing with their kids and I know that could have been me...  
but it is not and it won't be, not right now at least. Cillian, we need to do the best we can with what we have now. - she grabbed his hand.  
\- Do not let life bring you down again, you are better than that. - her eyes did not let him go.  
He looked at her without saying a word feeling guilty for not being strong enough.  
\- What would your girlfriend have said if she had found you in the park as I did? -  
\- God! She would be so worried. - The thought of worrying Tauriel made him feel so horrible.  
_How could I do this to her? My sweet love.  
_ \- Exactly, you need to be the best you can for her. -  
\- I know. - he breathed out heavily.  
\- You need to be the best you can for yourself and everyone around you. -  
\- I know. -  
\- No! You promise me you will... you'll do the best you can. -  
\- I promise you. -  
She looked at him intently and she hoped that the message had got through.  
She knew he was a good guy and he deserved better for himself and for the people dear to him.  
However, she was a bit in a hurry.  
\- Can I leave you in the knowledge that you will go home now and not to the pub next door? -   
\- You can. - He chuckled.  
\- Sure? -  
\- I promise. - he snorted.  
\- Good. - She gave him a strong hug then.  
\- I am happy I have found you. - she told him.  
\- I am glad you did. - he replied.  
And she left rushing to her next appointment.  
He still could not believe he met Lilian again, mostly he was shocked by the way she had turned her life around.  
After talking to her he also occurred to him to realized for the first time that, aside of the people he had met in rehab, he had never let anyone else in his grief. Too many times he had shut Tauriel out and she was the most precious thing in the world to him.  
He had never shared anything with her as he had just done with his friend.  
That thought troubled him.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Once his painting job ended he had more time for her, for himself and mostly more time to think and to remember.  
He missed his brother, Tara knew. He said nothing, and he did not need to. She could see it.  
Sometimes it was the way his eyes got caught on something and she knew it was not always a memory of their past lives.  
Sometimes it was the way he stopped in the middle of a sentence, and at times it was when he just shared a silly childhood memory.

OOOOOOOO  
  
It was the thunder that woke her up, so powerful it shook her to the chore.  
However, before that, there was a dark dream, Mirkwood, the cellars, the dark corridors.  
She had lost her prisoners, they had escaped. New and past memories got muddled together.  
The two swords… the matching swords were gone.  
No, they were right in front of her on the wooden table, she needed to reach them.  
Thranduil was telling her to leave them. Then he was taking her deep inside the palace.  
It was so dark – _They light of the stars will never reach this place_ – she thought.  
Then the thunder came so strong it shook Mirkwood. It reverberated in her soul.  
\- The orcs are coming, you should be prepared – her king warned her.  
Tauriel felt the fear growing in her heart. _I need to find Kili. I need to warn him_.  
\- The orcs are coming, you should be prepared – her king warned her once more as the thunder stroke again.  
Another stronger rumble woke her up, but it did not kick her out of the dream completely.  
_Where is Kili?_  
His side of the bed was empty.  
There was no immediate danger there, but she was scared.  
One of the windows was opened, only a small gap but it made the curtain move as the chilly air rushed in.  
She had to find her precious prince. Mirkwood, her former home had become a gloomy place.  
The king had lost everything in the battle, everything he held dear.  
She took a deep breath. _Bad thoughts linger in the dark_.  
Tara wondered upstairs, searching. The woods had become scary, crawling with giant spiders.  
She could not allow those visions to take her away. _Bad thoughts grow in the dark_.  
She took another deep breath as the memories of Mirkwood did not want to leave her.  
The Mirkwood walls, the palace, the spiders they were all tangled in her head.  
Then, there were also Fili matching swords.  
Finally, she called – Kili, where are you? – he did not answer.  
One more deep breath to get out of that bad dream.  
She walked downstairs, and she found him staring out of the window, looking at the thunderstorm.  
His hair was wet so were his clothes. _He must have gone out in the rain. What happened?  
_ \- Kili… - she called once more.  
A rapid succession of lightning illuminated the sitting room and then a frightening thunder chilled her to the bones, making her shiver. _What was going on?  
_ He finally turned to her.  
\- What’s wrong my love? – His eyes were so far away, completely lost. He hugged her.  
\- He was calling me. – he whispered.  
\- Fili? -  
He nodded.  
\- Tauriel. He was calling me. - He was talking to her but looking in his eyes she knew he was not there.  
She cupped his face in her hands. _Please come back to me._  
\- Kili. – she whispered.  
\- He is somewhere… he needs me. -  
\- We will find him… - she reached for his hand – I’ll help you and we will find him. -  
He blinked, reality came back into focus.  
Tara was shivering. The house was still enveloped in an eerie, ghostly atmosphere as they walked back upstairs hand in hand.  
Cillian fell asleep immediately, she was not sure if he was ever awake.  
Tara was so shaken that she did not manage to fall asleep until the early hours of the morning.  
  
Tauriel was the first one to wake up.  
She enjoyed looking at a prince sleeping peacefully for a little while but then the worries from the previous night came back to hunt her. She knew she needed to talk to Kili about it.  
As reluctant as he was to talk about his brother disappearance something had to be done.  
When Cillian woke up he found her downstairs curled up on the sofa absentmindedly gazing out of the window.  
He kissed the crown of her head but when she turned to him he realized that there were tears in her eyes.  
He was immediately next to her on the sofa.  
\- What’s wrong, my love. - She shook her head.  
\- Please tell me. – his eyes were searching for answers.  
\- Sorry, I just have so many thoughts in my head today. -  
 The vivid dreams of the night before had brought with them many deep emotions. _The people I have lost.  
_ It was not easy to deal with them. She hugged him. She needed to know he was there and he was real.  
\- It’s my fault. I know I've scared you last night. – he said after a while.  
\- Do you remember? – she was surprised. He nodded and hugged her a little tighter.  
Unwillingly he admitted to her that it was not the first time he had heard his brother calling him.  
Last time it had been when they were in Ireland and it had happened even before, but many months had passed since then.  
\- Do you think it is real? Do you think is really calling you? -  
\- Sometimes I do… but I don’t know where to look for him. -  
\- Remember what I told you? What happened when I was in France? -  
\- When you touched the swords? -  
\- Yes… I am not sure, but I had a feeling, call it intuition, an instinct may be that he is still in France somewhere. -  
He dwelled on her words. He wished them so much to be true. At least he would have known where to look.  
\- What are you telling me? -  
\- Do you believe me? -  
\- I do believe you really think he might be there and I wish I could believe it too. -  
He had released her from his hug, but she was not prepared to let him go.  
\- I cannot promise you that I am right but why don’t we just try? –  
\- Try and look for him? –  
She nodded.  
– Why not? -  
\- Tauriel my grandfather had sent an ‘army’ of people looking for my brother when he went missing. They came back with nothing, not even a single clue and trust me they search thoroughly. - he was running away, he was very conscious of that but he could not do otherwise.  
\- They searched in here, not in France. -  
\- That’s ‘cos my brother took the ferry to come back to England and the police found his documents here. -  
\- Are you sure that he took the ferry? -  
\- He called me from the port. -  
\- Are you sure he took the ferry? -  
\- They showed us the CCTV footage. -  
\- Are you satisfied with it? -  
\- Of course, I am not, but…- he sighed.  
\- But you don’t want to allow yourself to believe that maybe…-  
\- Maybes have never helped me. -  
\- Living with ghosts doesn’t help you either. - He looked at her intently. _Why I cannot just talk about it?  
_ She did not want to hurt him, but she needed him to face the problem.  
\- You know Fili is alive. You know that, and you believe it ‘cos you told me yourself so many times. -  
\- He is alive. Just I don’t... -  
\- I know you don’t know where he is, so let me help you find him. -  
\- I am afraid… what if we don’t... Then what does it mean? That I am wrong? Does it mean that is dead? - his eyes were running away as there was something he could not say, she knew.  
If Fili was alive, what was stopping him from coming back? Why he never made contact with him? with them? with anyone?  
_What happened?  
_ \- He is not, and you know it, so do I and we will find him. – she did not want to push him anymore, but she had to.  
\- I want to believe you. - he breathed.  
\- Please do. Please believe me ‘cos it’s not fair for you to live like this, it is not fair for your mum, for your dad… and Mireille and everyone else that knew him and misses him. – This time she managed to break his resistance, she got through to him.  
\- Fine then, we’ll go to France. -  
\- Thank you. – _that is thanks for believing in me and thanks for trusting me. I will not let you down._

OOOOOOOOOOOO

\- Kili... - he tried desperately to call.  
In his head, he was screaming the top of his lungs, but nothing was coming out if not a fable whisper.  
His body was locked, he would not respond.  
\- Kili - he tried to call again as he was sure his brother was going to hear him.  
\- Who are you calling? - - Kili. - he whispered once more.  
\- Nobody is coming for you. - A lonely tear came down his cheek.  
It was better when they gave him his medication, at least he would not have felt anything.  
He would have been unaware of the world around him, of the place where he had ended up.  
Unaware of the nightmare to come. That time he had to endure it.

　

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next one will be mainly about Fili and you will finally begin to understand what happened to him and how much in trouble he is.  
> Thanks for your comments and all the kudos.  
> P.S. Below you have the link to my playlist of this story so far... what I listen while I am writing and some of the songs that I think fit with the 'movie' I have in my head.  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLFQNFKYCIMCeBvIaDSvsorankVrfEhp2Z


	4. A new World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The question at the beginning of the story was - Where is Fili?  
> That's what got me to write this... and this chapter is all about Fili.  
> Finally you will get some of your questions answered, you will get to know what happened and why he disappeared.  
> However some questions will still be left...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you'll like it. I am still worried about getting Fili right.  
> I could not wait to post it, so I'll check for the typos and fix few little things later like I have done with the previous one.

It's that heart of gold  
& stardust soul  
that makes you beautiful.  
\- R.M. Broderick -

=============================

In the beginning there was only darkness and he knew nothing of when and where he had ended up. Time could not be counted nor felt.  
Then, slowly voices started to appear on the surface like the autumn leaves floating on the lake.

\- I'll see you tomorrow then. - _Kili_.  
\- One day you will be king, and you will understand.  
I cannot risk the fate of this quest for the sake of one Dwarf... not even my own kin - Thorin had told him when his brother was sick.  
\- Wait for me Fi! - his brother sweet voice running after him when he was a young dwarfling.  
\- Fili, don't be a fool. You belong with the Company - his uncle strong voice reverberated in his mind.  
\- Shall we tell Thorin? - _Bilbo_.  
\- I'll see you tomorrow then. – _Kili_  
\- One day you will be king. - his uncle always reminded him.  
\- I will save him - the elf told them. _She will save Kili._  
\- Go back, do not engage. - Thorin ordered them.  
\- It's perfectly safe! We will be right behind you. -  
\- Your brother is resting, the fever is gone. You can sleep now. - His mother reassured him, and he felt her fresh hand on his face.

The darkness came again, a deep sleep took him once more.  
He felt safe, _Kili's fever is gone_.  
Only he did not know that the hand he felt it was not his mother's.  
The nurse had touched his forehead.  
\- He has a fever again. - she called the doctor.

Time moved strangely in ways he could no longer understand.  
The voices slowly transformed themselves into images, that came and went like the wind and he was not able to hold on to them.  
People faces came to him. _Who are they?_  
Some he was able to recognize, others he did not, but he always knew his brother. _Kili._

Fili did not know what was happening to him. He just followed the flow.  
He could not focus, nor he could think.  
Thoughts were like pretty colourful butterflies, flying all around him but he could never grab them.  
From one thought he jumped to another randomly, without any possible logical connection.  
His mind was scattered, and he could not even begin to try to fix the missing connections.  
He struggled just to think about before... before he got where he was.  
That was because there was no before for him.  
He would rest when he felt too tired and let himself fall into total darkness and when his mind reawakened he was all scattered images, thoughts, voices and lots of colours.  
He could never open his eyes they always felt too heavy, it was too much of an effort.

He did not know that full four months had passed before he was able to finally open his eyes again into a new, strange and scary world.  
It was a place he could not recognize, a place he surely did not belong to.  
He took him a lot of strength just to keep his eyes open.  
There were tubes running into his body and across it and there were many beeping noises.  
He had heard those beeps before when he was asleep.  
He was absolutely terrifying and even more terrifying it was the fact that he felt totally paralyzed.  
Apart from opening and closing his eyes the rest of his body did not want to respond to his will.  
He felt like sinking down, so he closed his eyes again.  
_What kind of place is this? What kind of world is this? What have they done to me?_  
Then he opened them in a flash.  
_Where is Kili? What happened to him? Is he here as well?_  
He could not turn or move in any way, so his eyes were darting around searching.  
_And Thorin? Where is Thorin? Where's everyone?_

\- Good morning gorgeous. - a lady that he had never met before in a white sterile uniform greeted him.  
\- Finally... good morning to you. -  
\- How are we feeling today? -  
\- No, no don't worry you are fine. - she read the fear in his eyes.  
\- Come down 'cos you see you are getting agitated and it is not good. - all her patients were like that when the first woke up.  
The machines were beeping faster.  
\- See, listen to the machine you are doing this. - she said calmly.  
\- The beeping is your heart and you are getting far too agitated. -  
He had heard her and understood her, but he could not calm himself.  
\- I don't want to have to make you sleep again. You need to be awake or we are not making any progress. - she explained.  
\- Help me and I'll help you. Calm down. - But Fili was too distressed to listen to the strange lady.  
She then started to fiddle with some of the tubes and he soon was back again to darkness chasing colourful butterflies, images and lost voices.

The same thing happened again the following day... and the following until eventually, Fili decided to listen to the chubby lady in the white uniform.  
Her name was Eloise she told him, and she was his nurse.  
She talked a lot, she actually never stopped talking; he had never met anybody that could talk as much as his brother.  
She talked about anything that came to her mind and there was no way to stop her.  
However, he learnt a lot from her.  
He was in a hospital in Lyon. He had been in some sort of 'accident' she had told him, at first.  
Lyon was the name of the town where the hospital was but before that, he had been in a town called Nantes.  
Those names meant nothing to him as he did not know those places.  
His last memory was the battle, his uncle sent him and Kili to check out... to check out something... he could not quite remember.  
After that, there was a massive void and then the place where he was.  
He had no clue about what happened to Kili, to his uncle and everyone else.  
Eloise never mentioned them, and in a way, that worried him even more.  
He learnt that when he arrived at the first hospital he had a severe head trauma, that basically meant someone struck a massive blow to the back of his head.  
His nurse explained to him that he had two operations and that was why he felt so confused and his head hurt very bad at times.  
She was convinced that with time he was going to get better.  
Fili was not quite that optimist. He had to get better as he needed to find Kili.  
Maybe his head would not ache so bad in the future but how was he going to get home?  
Most importantly, where was home?

There were days that were just foggy where he could not place one thought in front of the other when he just held on to the memories that had not left him.  
_Kili, home, mum, uncle_.  
Those memories comfort him, they rocked him to sleep most nights.  
They were his anchor to remind him that he was not losing his mind.  
There were other times when he felt that he was getting better.  
He was able to manage. He followed Eloise stories and her crazy daily issues.  
His nurse lived closed to the hospital, it was just her and her sick son.  
He had an illness called autism, she had told him.  
However, Fili did not know quite what it meant except that he was unwell and needed lots of help.  
Eloise was always full of energy.  
At work she never stopped and judging by what she was telling him of her home life, it was pretty hectic as well.  
Anyway, he loved her stories, they kept him company during the day.  
Soon he learnt the routine of the hospital, the doctor's visits, the medications, the silly exercises that Eloise made him do and that were supposed to make him less confused and more aware.  
He got to know every beep and every noise in that place.  
Fili had to re-learn everything from scratch, how to talk, how to walk, how to eat by himself, how to move around that new world.

For a while is communication had been mainly by blinking his eyes, however once he was finally able to talk the first thing he asked was where was his brother.  
\- You came here alone, nobody else was with you. - they told him at first.  
Eloise explained that so far nobody had come for him.  
_Nobody. This is not my world that's why_.  
He had managed to elaborate that much.  
However, that did not help him to understand what happened or where everyone was.  
The second thing he told Eloise was - My name is not Nick! My name is Fili. -  
She had called him Nick almost since he had opened his eyes.  
He could not stand it!  
\- Your name is Nicholas Duront. -  
\- No, he is not. -  
That was the name he had been registered with when he was first admitted to the hospital in Nantes.  
\- You are just a little confused. -  
\- Not that confused. I know my own name. -  
He got more and more upset and Eloise could not afford him to get that worked out.  
\- Ok, that's fine Fili if you want. -  
\- I want! It's my name. -  
That same afternoon his doctor and another lady came over to ask him many silly questions.  
\- What's your name? -  
\- What's your surname?  
\- How old are you? -  
\- What year is this? -  
\- Do you know where you are?  
\- Do you know the name of this country? -  
\- Can you write down your name?  
- Where does your family live?  
He answered all of them, then the doctors left talking between themselves.  
He turned to Eloise - What was that about? -  
\- I think you are still a little confused. - she smiled sadly.  
\- That's bad. -  
She sighed then she disappeared and came back with 2 mugs of hot chocolate.  
\- I think we both need a hot chocolate. - she smiled  
Fili smiled back. - Thank you. -  
\- Sometimes I think that hot chocolate can fix everything - she made Fili laugh.  
However, Eloise went home very upset that day.  
She had become close to the young guy under her care.  
Fili got asked more and more questions in the following days.  
The doctors took their time to formulate a diagnosis.  
Definitely, their patient had amnesia as he could not remember who he was.  
But it also seemed that he had created a whole alternate reality for himself.  
They did not quite know how to proceed so they decided just to keep on monitoring him.

After that, there had been many bad days and many good ones.  
Sometimes he was easy for Eloise to deal with Fili; on the good days, he was fun to work with him.  
He was smart and had a witty sense of humour. He made Eloise laugh and took her mind away from her problems.  
Other times he was confused, he got easily agitated and frustrated and he did not want to cooperate at all.  
His mind jumped from one memory to another not letting him formulate a clear thought.  
Those days she felt sorry for him as medication was the only way to calm him down.

He knew who he was.  
He was Fili, Thorin's sister's son, heir to the throne of Erebor.  
He was a son of Durin and he was proud of it.  
However as time passed, as everyone around tried to convince him that it was all a fantasy small doubts began to crip in.  
There were times when looking out of the window he had asked himself who he really was.  
When it happened he always held on to the memories of his brother.  
_Kili his real, he is not a fantasy_.

OOOOOOOOO

Eloise had been captivated by Fili's unbelievable stories, so she had tried to find more information about her patient.  
However, what she found out was of no help and it had left her quite a bit puzzled.  
Nicholas Duront was a petty criminal, he had been in and out of prison for theft and trespassing and other minor offences.  
He sounded nothing like her young guy in her care.  
Nicholas never finished school and had no qualification while 'Fili' was well spoken, and he gave the impression of being well educated.  
She tried to contact his family, but nobody came back to her.  
  
OOOOOOOOO  
  
It was the end of April, it had been an unusually warm day and Eloise had left the window open for him.  
She had told him that in two days they were going to move him.  
It was not too happy about it, he was going to miss her.  
He was used to her taking care of him, but she had explained that now that he was getting better he needed to be transferred to another ward within the same hospital.  
She had promised that she was going to come to visit him.  
A cool breeze was coming from the window and he had fallen asleep peacefully, the sounds of the night had been his lullaby.  
He dreamed of home as he always did, of when he was very young playing with his brother, chasing each other in the woods.  
He dreamed of the hot summer nights spent outside their home talking till late. He loved those dreams and always clung to them.  
_One day, one day I'll find you again_.  
Then, suddenly the dream 'took a different route', it began to change and a strange sense of agitation got hold of him.  
He felt worried and unsettled almost anxious, but I could not understand why.  
Everything became slightly brighter, the warm colours of his home faded away, so did the faces of his family, the last one to fade was his brother's face; even though he had tried to hold on to it and this added to his distress.  
He found himself walking along a white corridor.  
It was too bright, sort of sanitized and sterile a bit like the hospital where he was in.  
He remembered the first time he woke up and the panic he had felt.  
He tried to focus, to go back to his original dream. He wanted desperately to go back.  
Then heard him.  
\- Phi. - he would have recognized that voice anywhere.  
He turned around and he saw him.  
\- Phi, is it really you? - his eyes were shiny.  
He could not believe it, Kili was standing a few steps away from him.  
He was his brother and he looked so real.  
It was almost shocking.   
\- This is not possible - he murmured.  
His brother closed the distance and he hugged him.  
Maybe it had been all a bad dream and it was back to reality.  
Finally, he was reunited with him. _Kili._  
\- We looked for you everywhere. - Kili said.  
He was there... Kili was there and he was talking to him.  
He was real, maybe he was not a dream. His voice sounded like music to him.  
He had held on to that voice for so long.  
_All those things they told me were lies_.  
He was not Nick, he was Fili. He was Fili like he always knew.  
_Why I had ever doubted myself?_  
_They tried to make me forget about you._  
_They tried to make me believe you did not exist._  
_I should never believe them again_.  
A bittersweet sensation of happiness and sadness took him.  
Then he began to look properly at his brother, Kili was so pale, too pale and skinny he did not look good at all.  
He... he looked like hell.  
\- What happened to you Ki? -  
He looked almost as when he had been struck by the Morgul arrow.  
\- It doesn't matter. I've found you! - a happy smile lit his face.  
He hugged him once more.  
\- Look at me Ki, please. What's wrong? - Fili was not satisfied.  
_What's wrong?_  
Kili breathed heavily.  
\- You were gone. We could not find you. - he sounded unsettled sort of restless.  
\- Kili I am here now... but... - the more he looked at him the more concerned he became.  
\- I thought I lost you. -  
\- Kili you did not lose me... I ... I thought I lost you. - other images tried to enter his dream.  
The battle ... Thorin has sent them to check the tower... he pushed them away.  
_Kili is more important_.  
Then he heard the beeping of the machines.  
It was weak, there was too much time between one beep and the next.  
His worries grew even stronger. He knew that sounds all too well.  
_Mahal, I am not back, this is a dream!_  
\- Kili look at me please do you know where are you? -his agitation grew.  
His brother's eyes were feverish.  
He touched his forehead concerned. It was so cold.  
\- It doesn't matter. I have found you. -  
\- The beeping is your heart - Eloise had told him once.  
\- The machine beeps measure you heart bit. -  
As impossible as it sounded that beeping must have been Kili's heart.  
Judging by the sound of it he was not doing good.  
And looking at his ill appearance it was not right at all.  
\- Kili, what's wrong with you? Do you know where you are? - fear was in every word.  
He did not know how he could hear the machines or how he knew, but he was sure that his brother was in bigger troubles then him.  
\- Ki, you have not lost me. -  
\- But you were gone. -  
The beeping was actually slowing down and Kili looked more and more like a ghost.  
Then Fili began to realize... maybe his brother was in a hospital like him.  
Maybe it was even the same hospital.  
However, he had to let him go as it seemed that the more Kili clung to him the more 'life' was leaving him.  
\- Ki, you need to go back. -  
\- No! I am staying here with you! -  
\- Ki, you need to go back to wherever you were, or I'll lose you. - a desperate urgency rang on every word as the beeping in the background became more irregular.  
_This is not the time to be stubborn._  
\- No, please don't go again. -  
\- Ki, you need to go back! You'll die if you stay. -  
\- Are you dead Phi? - his brother's voice was a whisper, afraid of the answer.  
\- No, I am not ... I don't know where I am, I don't know where you are, but I am not dead. -  
Fili hugged him once more. It was horrible.  
He just wanted to keep Kili there with him, but he could not. _He needs me_.  
He was sure that if his brother stayed he would have died.  
Poor Kili looked so lost and scared he never saw him like this.  
There was no will to fight left in him.  
_No Ki, you cannot die like this_.  
Tears began to fall, even his brother's cheeks were wet.  
\- Please Ki, go back. -  
\- Fi... I - he sobbed.  
Fili's heart felt so heavy.  
\- I'll find you, somehow. I'll get to you, Ki... but you need to leave. -  
His brother was sobbing desperately.  
\- Please Fi. -  
Fili took a deep breath. If there had ever been someone able to make Kili listen that was him, so he pleaded with his brother once more.  
\- Ki, please. Do it for me. Trust me that if you don't go back I'll lose you for good.  
Please know that I will find you somehow, somewhere in this mess. -  
Finally, his brother nodded as he hugged him again.  
Fili took that hug and saved it in his heart, as he knew already he would not see him for a really long time.  
_Forgive me Ki but you need to survive... you are far too important to me..._  
After the last hug Kili began to fade away like a spirit, the machines beeped a little faster; the ground disappeared and then Fili saw it.  
Kili was laying in a hospital bed with tubes running across his body very much as he had been.  
He thought he caught a glimpse of his mother next to the bed, she was crying.  
_Mum? What has happened to us?_  
That vision did not last long, he had to go as well; however, Fili left that place in the knowledge that his brother was going to live.  
_I will find you, Ki! I will get to you somehow! I promise!_  
When he woke up the following morning it was horrible.  
Fili felt so unsettled and agitated.  
Eloise was already there, and he tried to explain to her what happened.  
\- It was just a bad dream. -  
\- No, it wasn't Eloise. It was not! -  
\- Ok, it was a very bad dream. - she tried to calm him down.  
It was not good when he got that agitated.  
She had grown fond of him and he had made so much progress lately.  
She did not want to have sedate him.  
\- It was my brother and he is in troubles. -  
\- No one is in trouble except you, young man… if you don't calm down. -  
\- Please believe me. -  
She sighed.  
\- Nick you know haven't got a brother. I have told you before. -  
\- I am not Nick and I HAVE a brother. -  
Getting so agitated did not help at all but he could not control himself.  
He was tired of their lies.  
Eloise was good but in the end, she lied to him like everyone else.  
_Nobody believes me._  
He could not shake that dream away, he knew it was real.  
That was Kili, it was his brother.  
\- My brother is in a hospital like me. Maybe is this hospital. -  
He tried again.  
\- You arrived here alone. - she replied.  
He sighed once more.  
His head began to hurt.  
\- You see. You are getting so worked out it's not good for you. -  
\- But...- a sting of pain hit him in on the side of his head.  
\- Take a deep breath, calm down and have some breakfast. - she handed him a bowl of cereals.  
\- I am not hungry. -  
\- You need to eat and you need to take your medication. -  
\- I don't want it. -  
\- Don't be so unreasonable. -  
\- I don't want anything. -  
Involuntarily his free hand went to the side of his head. It was really hurting now.  
\- You see, you are not listening. You are stubborn, aren't you? -  
\- Please, Eloise. - he complained.  
She took the bowl from his hand.  
\- Here take this. - he handed him a very small cup with 3 colourful pills inside.  
\- No. - again he felt a sharp pain on the same side of his head, this time he winched.  
\- You see. -  
\- Only this pain is real. - he replied.  
She sighed. She really felt for him, she wished she could take away all his troubles.  
Eloise knew all too well that it was not good for her to get attached to him.  
Yet, she felt for him as if he was her son. _That's not good at all_.  
His head was killing him. He waited but the pain did not want to go.  
Fili reluctantly took the pills.  
\- Well done. -  
He grunted in response as he let his head fall to the pillow.  
It did not take long; the pain began to fade away and so did the world around him.  
Everything began to feel as wrapped in a bubble, so distant and far away.  
He let Eloise help him with the breakfast.  
He did not feel like complaining any more.  
Then he laid down watching outside the window.  
Eloise was talking to him, but she felt so far.  
He knew what she was saying but it was as if she was talking from the TV, even if she was standing right next to him.  
_Where is Kili? Was Kili real? ... Kili is real._  
He answered to some of Eloise questions yes and no, but he could not even remember what she had asked.  
He is head hurt no more and he slowly fell asleep while gazing out of the window.  
_I'll find you Kili_.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

Two nurses were taking in the hospital coffee shop.  
\- Well done, Freda you got assigned the hottest case in the ward! -  
\- What do you mean? -  
\- Your new patient, I have seen him. He is quite handsome. -  
\- Oh, I have not seen him yet. -  
\- You will see him soon but sorry to burst your dream he is as crazy as he is hot. -  
Freda became curious about her new charge.  
She had been working at the hospital for a year.  
She worked while she was completing her studies.  
She still had 3 years to finish and she really enjoyed her job.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

The day he moved to the other ward he was in bad mood.  
His thoughts were so confused as he did not want to leave the comfort of a place he knew, that was familiar to him, for a new one.  
Eloise went with him, she realized that the change made him very nervous.  
Fili had been upset until he saw his new nurse.  
_By Mahal, this is not possible... Bard's daughter_.  
The memories of his stay in Lake Town came rushing into his head.  
\- This is Sigfreda your new nurse. -  
\- You can call me Freda. -  
\- Freda. - he repeated the name. _How is this possible?_  
\- Well, it is Sigfreda but everyone calls me Freda. -  
\- Of course. - he murmured still trying to understand why she was there.

During the first week, Fili had got to know everything he could about his nurse.  
He was not shy to ask.  
The young girl looked exactly as Sigrid, she had the same voice, she moved the same way.  
In every gesture she was her.  
However, she remembered nothing of him, his brother or everyone else.  
Maybe she was no Sigrid, may be she just looked like her... or maybe not?  
She was a local, but her parents were from Germany, hence the name Sigfreda.  
She was studying medicine and while she was completing her studies she had to work in the hospital.  
She wanted to be a doctor one day.  
She lived with her family, her mum had been unwell for a while and she was in a hospital, but a different one.  
She did not like to talk about her mother illness but she liked to talk about her family.  
She had a young brother and a younger sister; she was the eldest and she was the one taking care of the home while her mother was not there.  
Fili could easily relate to that so it was not difficult for him to bond with his new nurse.  
  
It was the beginning of his second week under her care, she found him quite upset when she arrived to work.  
\- Good morning.-  
He grunted.  
- What's wrong today? -  
He grunted again.  
\- Is it because it is Monday? -  
\- Leave me alone. -  
\- Well, I can't I have nearly all day to spend with you. -  
He turned to her abruptly - Everyone thinks I am a fool. That I have imagined everything I say. Nothing I say it's real. -  
She did not know what happened.  
She could only imagine that one of the doctors had come to see him before she arrived and he had upset him.  
\- Who told you so? -  
\- They don't even need to say anything. I know! -  
It was not a good start of the week. She placed his breakfast on the side table.  
\- How can I have made up everything?  
How can my brother be not real when I remember every second with him since I was five...since... since my mother put him in my arms. -  
His deep blue eyes were so sad and upset.  
He remembered so well every detail of that day, it was one of his dearest memories.  
Freda pondered at those words.  
\- So, tell me then, how is he like? -  
He looked at her... was she just mocking him like the others or was she for real?  
\- Tell me how is your brother like? -  
He did not know exactly why but he decided to trust her.  
\- Ki... - a smile pop on his face just thinking about him. - Kili, his name is Kili. -  
Then the words came out like a river.  
\- He is a reckless fool, with a heart of gold. He is a chatterbox, he never stops talking, he is worst that Eloise but you would never get bored of listening to him, even when he pulls out the worst jokes you have ever heard. Kili has this special way... I don't know how to explain it, he is like a tornado, he doesn't go unnoticed. - she loved the way his eyes had lit up while he was talking about his 'imaginary' brother.  
\- He has this unbelievable ability to get in all sorts of troubles, but he is so carefree that he does no worry one bit.  
He is always convinced that he will get out of it. That worries me so much. I am just scared that one day he will end up into something bigger than him.   
He actually got me into troubles more than once, but you know I just cannot get upset with him.  
The best thing is that he always gets me, we don't need words. I don't quite know how to explain it. -   
He had depicted Kili so much in detail that it was hard to believe that he was not real.  
\- Your relationship with your brother sounds so nice. - she was totally taken by his words. She loved the way he had described his brother. The way he cared.  
\- So how he looks like? -  
\- Oh, he looks nothing like me, he has my mum's dark hair and my dad's dark eyes. He is quite good looking.  
The girls think is a charmer. - a proud smile lit his face.  
\- _you are not doing too bad yourself, believe me_ \- she thought.  
\- You should not undermine yourself. You don't look so bad. -  
\- Do you think? - he lifted his gaze too quickly and his eyes got caught in hers.  
Her deep chocolate eyes met his blue skies ones.   
She blushed and look down - Yes, I do. -  
\- Oh, I am sorry I did not... -  
\- No, it's fine. - she forced herself to look at him again.  
He smiled sweetly pleased by the comment.  
_Maybe... just maybe she likes me_.  
It was hard to believe that all he had told her was just imaginary.  
It was hard to believe that he was a patient or that he was not totally right in his mind.  
Especially when he was looking at her in a certain way.

OOOOOOOOOO

When the art fair came to town Frida went to visit it.  
Many local artists were exhibiting their creations and there were also many artists from everywhere in France and few from abroad.  
When she got back to work he decided to take some of the free books that she was given by the artists to her patient.  
  
Fili was nothing like the doctors had told her, he was clever, gentle, caring, interesting and articulate.  
She was sure that there something more to him.  
He asked her about her mum, every day and when she had asked him about it he had told her.  
\- 'Cos mums are important. I miss mine. And yours is not well. -

\- Good morning! Look what I have for you today. -  
He simply loved the books she had brought him, he kept on looking at the pictures and he would not stop talking about them.  
\- Do you think you have seen them before? - she was so surprised by his reaction that she had to ask.  
\- No, not these... definitely not them -   
He was looking intently at the book while he was trying desperately to recall when and where he had seen something like those paintings.   
_Not at home... but where?_  
\- I know I have seen some other paintings... lots of them... -  
the memory was stuck at the back of his head, he could feel it but he could not reach it. _Where? When?_  
\- No worries... it will come to you at the right time. Keep the books. - she smiled.

Freda went to talk to Eloise since she was a regular visitor. His only visitor.  
\- Lots of things don't add up with him. - the older nurse admitted to her what she had been thinking for a long time.  
\- Do you think it is possible that he is not the person we think he is? - the young girl suggested.  
Eloise had been terribly busy.  
\- I think it is a possibility. However... all his imaginary stories...where is the truth? - she said while changing the sheets of an empty bed.  
Freda was pondering at the mystery that was Fili.  
\- I tried to search for his relatives but it seems that nobody wants to know about him. -  
The young nurse mind was racing to try to find a pattern that could lead her somewhere but she felt as lost as her patient.  
Eloise was glad that someone else cared.  
Most of anything she was glad that this young girl cared, as she had begun to notice that even Nick/Fili was beginning to take an interest in her.  
Not the two of them were aware of it, it was too soon yet she was older and she could see it.  
\- I tell you what. I am very busy right now in here and at home but if you want we can give it one more try together to see if we could trace some relative.   
What do you think? -  
\- I am in. - A hopeful smile appeared on her face.

OOOOOOOOOOO

\- I don't understand. - Freda said to her colleague  
\- What? -  
\- His blue eyes look so honest and when he talks about his brother it seems so real. -  
\- Well, he believes in his fantasy, so he is honest. He thinks he is real! - she laughed.  
\- I just don't get it. - she was still trying to work out Fili's story.  
\- Oh, I get it very well. - She smiled cleverly - You are falling for the crazy guy. -  
\- He is my patient Nora. -  
\- And so, you spend with him most your days and I have seen how you two get along. -  
\- It's not professional. -  
\- Well, if it was not for the crazy stuff I would go for him if I was you. -  
\- Nora! -  
Yet, she knew that Fili subtle charm had conquered her.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

Fili was making progress regularly under Freda care, his head hurt less and his medication was reduced.  
Eloise came to visit regularly and she was very impressed with his development.  
All the boring physiotherapy sessions had paid off as their patient had recovered all his strength.  
\- If he continues like this they will discharge him soon. - she said once to Freda.  
\- To go where? He has no place. -  
\- We will find something. - she was always optimistic about it.  
Yet, one thing that had made no progress was Fili's memory.

Not long after that conversation, during one of Eloise visit Fili left both of them stunned and with even more doubts about his identity.  
One of the other patients had changed the Channel on the TV, 'landing' on an English speaking channel.  
Fili had tuned in without even realizing and then when the same patient tried to change it again he told him  
\- Leave it, please. - in perfect English.  
The two ladies did not expect that. They were shocked.  
When they asked him about it he confirmed to them he could understand every word.  
He was quite surprised himself.  
Obviously, he had always talked to everyone in French because he had always been addressed in that language, so nobody knew she could speak any other language.   
That left his two friends even more determined to find out more about his identity.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Fili had already spent more than a year in the hospital, about 15 months to be precise.  
Yet nobody had come looking for him and in spite of all their efforts, the nurses did not come any close to solving his mystery.

When he woke up he heard Eloise shouting outside his room.  
He was sure it was her and that was too wired as normally he was the one doing all the shouting.  
However, the TV was already on and he could not quite make up what she was saying.

\- You cannot do something like that! -  
\- Now it is up to the social services to take care of him. -  
\- But there must be someone, somewhere... -  
\- We have contacted his relatives, and none came forward. Social services are taking over. -  
\- But... -  
\- For goodness sake Eloise! You heard what the police have told us. Nicholas Duront is a petty criminal well known to the police.  
I don't think that is family is concerned about him in any way so why should you? Social service will look after him. -  
\- By putting him in a mental institution? NO! -  
\- Come on! The guy is not right in his head. -  
\- He is not a danger to anybody either. -  
\- He needs looking after and they will take care of him. -  
\- They will not help him. He will not make any progress. -  
\- Why has he made any recently? -  
She felt less confident. She did not want to answer that question.  
\- He is getting better he just needs time, not a mental institution. -  
\- Come on Eloise. What is he to you? -  
That was a good question. Why did she care so much?  
\- He was my patient. - she replied defensively.  
\- Right. He WAS. -  
\- Please don't do this. -  
\- The guy does not even know his real name. -  
\- He does! He just struggles with things. -  
\- He lives in another world inside his head. -  
\- In that place, they will just dose him with drugs. They will just make him even more confused. He will never get better. -  
\- That is the place he needs as he is clearly not getting any better. -  
\- Please give him time.  
\- He IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANY MORE. -  
\- You are right he is your patient and you are not taking care of him! -  
\- You should be careful about what you say! -  
\- You should be careful! I am not giving up on him. I will talk to the care quality commission. -  
She turned around and began to walk away.  
\- You should value your job more. -  
She abruptly turned around. - What are you saying? -  
\- Be careful Eloise of what you are risking for the sake of one patient. -  
She did not bother to reply and just walk off.

\- Good morning. -  
\- Good morning Freda. -  
\- I heard Eloise before outside arguing, is it possible? -  
\- I don't know. I have not seen her, sorry. - she said quickly.  
It was true she had not seen her but if she was arguing outside, she knew exactly what it was about. She had not told him, nobody had.  
She felt guilty so guilty about it but there was nothing she could do.  
Nick/Fili was going to be discharged soon but as no family had come for him and due to his ongoing issues, he was going to be handled to the social services.  
They had decided that he was no fit to be left on his own and that the fittest place for him was a Mental Unit in Southern Alsace about 230 miles away.  
When she found out she was shocked.  
\- I cannot let them do this to him. - that was her first thought.  
She argued badly with Doctor Soulier, the head of the Ward and he had threatened to fire her.  
That job was far too important for her and her family, she could not risk losing it.  
Yet, she had felt horrible ever since.  
\- Are you all right? -  
\- Fine. - she could not quite look at him in the eyes.  
\- Is your family ok? Your mum. -  
She smiled - My mum is fine. They are all fine. Thank you. -  
He was so sweet, he always asked about her family.  
\- Why are you so sad then? -  
_Oh God no! Don't ask me that_.  
\- Why do you think I am sad? -  
\- It's been more than a week you have that look on you. I know you are not happy. -  
\- I ... -  
\- Oh, I know it's a guy, isn't it? -  
_It is but not in the way you think_.  
\- No, he isn't. -  
\- Fine as you want. You can talk to me about it or you can suffer in silence. -  
A clever smile lit his face and she could not help but smile, he was so charming when he looked at her in that way.  
_Ah, this is not helping! I need to leave._  
\- I need to fill up some documents so I'll see you later. -  
\- Yeah run away... but you know that if you want I am here. I know you think I am a fool probably, but you know that I am good at listening. -  
\- Later. - she tried to smile.  
She went straight to the head of personnel for her ward to ask to be moved to another ward or just even from taking care of Fili, to be reassigned to other patients.  
\- You took care of him up until now, it's only for another day. -  
\- Another day? -  
\- Well today and tomorrow, then he is gone. -  
_No, that cannot be._  
\- Besides the doctors probably will ask your help to ensure that everything goes smoothly. -  
_No! They cannot ask me this_.  
She went on to try to find Eloise, they had to do something.  
_Anything to keep them from taking him_.

OOOOOO

As soon as Freda got home she burst into tears and could not stop crying.  
\- What's wrong, sweetheart? - he father tried to comfort her.  
\- Oh, dad, I have done something terrible. - she kept on sobbing.  
\- I could not stop them. -

OOOOOO

Cillian was sitting outside smoking a cigarette gazing at the sky. He had only 3 left from the packet he had bought 2 weeks before.  
The weather had become milder, it was not so cold anymore.  
He had aligned all his brushes neatly one after the other from big to small in order to take out the old ones and make a list of the ones he needed to replace.  
His let his eyes wander along the lines of the back garden, it was not huge but it was a decent size.  
That's was where all their battles were played when they were kids.  
In there they had been, pirates, warriors, hunters and superheroes.  
He smiled sweetly at the thought and he wondered what was expecting them in France.  
_Nothing good._  
He was no fool, he knew that much.  
Finding his brother was the main problem. _Where_?  
Yet, dealing with whatever happened to Fili it was going to be another issue altogether. He sighed.  
Tauriel was going to be home soon, he thought about her... he needed to talk to her.  
The sooner the better... _why it is always so hard_. He sighed once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now you sort of know about Fili, but wait to find out exactly how deep are his troubles in the next few chapters. Also the next question is how Kili will deal with what happened to his brother? And Tauriel?
> 
> Well thanks for reading, thanks for your comments and Kudos.  
> Hope you liked it!
> 
> P.S. Sorry but, life is getting a bit busy so probably it will be a while before I get to post the next chapter :(


	5. The colours of his soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is actually the longest chapter I wrote...I think.  
> Kili and Tauriel are in the process of getting to France... still not there yet.  
> Fili lingers here, there and everywhere... and finally Kili manages to open up to the love of his life.  
> Hope you like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's nearly a month since I posted a chapter :( too long I know. I just got so terribly busy with everything. I also been travelling a bit so... these are my excuses. Any way this story doesn't want to leave me alone, I just go to write it.  
> I am posting this very quickly so probably it full of typos. I will try to review it tomorrow if I can...or by the week-end.  
> I hope you'll enjoy this chapter, I am just a bit worried that I really let Kili talk too much this time.  
> Please let me know what you think... Thank you

Friends show their love in times of trouble, not in happiness.  
\- Euripides -

All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.  
\- Edgar Allan Poe -

======================================

Kili and Tauriel wanted to leave for France by the beginning or mid-May at the latest.  
They knew it was going to be a long trip... how long exactly they did not know so, as Tara had put it, they had to plan it extremely well.  
However, Cillian was not too concerned with the planning, generally, he was used to just take off and go... something else was bothering him.  
It had been days he wanted to talk to Tauriel... to really talk to her about what happened... about Fili... yet, he had not done it.  
Every day there was something on his way, he knew he was partially his fault, maybe he was not really meant to start that conversation, maybe he was making excuses or maybe he was just subconsciously allowing things to get on his way...  
...he was not quite sure which one to pick.  
Yet he knew sooner or later... _rather sooner than later_.  
  
His mobile rang in the evening after they had dinner. It was Owen.  
\- _Pity_ \- he thought - _I was going to_... -  
\- Hi Owen, how is it going? -  
\- Pretty well and you? -  
\- Fantastic. - he smiled looking at Tara.  
\- Great! Well, Aiobhean and I were thinking to come to see you in London for a few days. Of course, that is if you would have us. -  
\- And of course, we would. You know that you can come any time you want; my home is your home. -  
\- Sure, but don't you want to tell Tara? -  
\- She is right next to me and she is smiling so that's a yes. - his friend could hear the smile in his voice.

Owen and Aiobhean spent about 5 days in London.  
Cillian took them everywhere making sure that they enjoyed their stay.  
It was not their first time in the capital however visiting it with their friend as a guide, was a totally different experience.  
He did his best to show them his hometown and some parts of London that most tourists do not get to see.  
  
Tauriel knew her instincts were right the first time she had met Kili's friends, she got on so well we both of them. They were a really lovely couple!  
\- _I wish they lived closer_. - she thought.

  
The day before they were due to leave the girls went shopping together.  
Tara took Aiobhean to Oxford Circus and on their way back the passed through Greenwich Park, the Irish girl simply loved it.  
\- The area where you live is so beautiful... I love Dublin but if I was not living there, I think this is where I would want to live. - she said happily.  
\- I know, I love this place. -  
However, Tauriel had something on her mind...  
\- Do you mind if I ask you about Cillian's brother? -  
She took the blond girl by surprise.  
\- Philip. - she murmured almost as if it was a secret spell.  
Tara nodded.  
\- Cillian talks about him at times but... it's difficult. -  
Playing with one her messy locks her friend nodded in return.  
_Of course, it is difficult_.  
\- You have never seen them together. You don't know him. - it was not a question and Tauriel did not contradict her.  
Aiobhean was looking straight ahead, her eyes were lost trying to remember when Philip was there.  
_When has it gotten so hard to remember them together? Why?_  
She sighed.  
\- You know I never thought that I would see Cillian without Philip... Those two used to work together, as a pair. - a sad smile appeared on her face.  
\- Yes, exactly like a pair of shoes you cannot have just right or left, you need both.  
I have never seen two brothers more attached to each other than them… so in tune with each other. - there was a melancholic note in her voice.  
\- Cillian had always been fun, you know him but.... but when Philip was around he was so different. Now it's not the same.  
It is almost as if there is always a sad aftertaste in him.  
You know that something important is missing. -  
She took a deep breath.  
\- When he was around you would never worry about Cillian... just because Philip was there. -  
When she turned to look at Tara there were tears in her eyes.  
\- I am sorry... I - she did not want to upset the girl with her question, she had not realized...  
The blond girl shook her head.  
\- Don't worry, it's me. I still get all emotional about it ... those two have been such a big part of my childhood. - Aiobhean sat down on a bench.  
\- I am sorry. - she added wiping her tears with her hand.  
Tauriel could only image the sweet memories that went through her head.  
_Growing up with them must have been fun_.  
\- Cillian never cries. - Tauriel let out after a while looking at the sky.  
\- I am not surprised... he likes to play the tough guy. He has always been like that even as a child. I think the only one that has ever seen him cry was his brother. -  
She pulled a paper tissue from her handbag.  
\- Don't let him fool you. You don't see his tears, but he cries... inside. That's why he cannot talk about it. But mind you what happened was too big for him.  
I still remember when Owen call me to tell me that they could not find Philip.  
I called Cillian straight away - I don't know where he is. - he told me, and he sounded so lost. -  
Tauriel was taking in every word, one more voice to tell her what happened.  
_I wish I had been there for him._  
\- It was a mess, he was a mess. Their family did not help. Everyone had a different opinion, a different idea or theory. Their parents kept on arguing endlessly.  
Don't get me wrong there are good people but put them in the same room and you literally see the sparkle.  
They ignite like fire. So, when Philip was gone Cillian crumbled under the weight of the whole situation. -  
She sighed again. Tara's eyes were lost in the sky above.  
\- You see what happened touched all of us and we were all so engulfed in our own sorrow that we almost did not realize how deep he was hurt.  
... I mean we knew and yet we didn't...  
Grief can be selfish at times everyone holds to their own pain. -  
Aiobhean focused her gaze on a group of children playing.  
\- He was clever, he hid it well, especially at the beginning. He never wanted to let anyone in.  
I don't blame him, his brother loss hurt so much, too deep.  
We knew he was feeling the strain of what happened, yet nobody realized.  
He kept on moving he was here in the UK, then Scotland, then in Ireland he did not stay too long anywhere, so nobody knew how bad the situation really was. -  
She was playing again with her hair debating what to tell Tara next, carefully choosing her words.  
\- I remember he spent a week at his Granma, the next he was with us and the following yet with someone else.  
When we began to notice it was already totally out of control.  
He had got us so worried that we tried to talk to him and the next thing we knew he took a flight back to the UK.  
I hate to say it, but I think he was really on self-destruction mission. -  
She took yet another deep breath. _God, it was such a dark time_.  
\- A week after that his mum called to tell us he was in the hospital. We went to see him. I was so scared that he was not going to make it. Poor Deirdre kept on crying.  
I remember thinking " _He is not leaving us. I refuse to believe it. It is just not possible that he is leaving as well_ ". God! It was horrible! -  
Aiobhean turned to look at Tauriel and looking at her pained expression she felt so guilty.  
The red-haired girl hugged her - Forgive me for asking you to talk about it. -  
\- No, you need to know 'cos right now you know only half of Cillian. The other half is not coming back. - she said sadly.  
_Kili._  
Tara sighed, and her Irish friend grabbed her hand.  
\- Don't feel guilty. What had happened is in the past and there is nothing you can do about it.  
Cillian is so happy with you now. Everybody can see it.  
Believe me when I tell you that you have changed him for the better. You are helping him to heal. -  
_You are sweet, but you don't know... I should have been there_.  
\- Is it possible? -  
\- It is, it will take time but I have a very positive feeling about you two since the first time I met you. -  
Tauriel smiled.  
It was getting late, the sky was getting darker, nearly twilight.  
It was definitely time to go home.

As soon as they enter the door Cillian complained.  
\- You took forever, girls! I hope you bought something for your poor boyfriends. -  
\- My poor boyfriend has so many clothes and shoes that he could organize a fashion show. - Tara smiled.  
\- And my poor boyfriend will have to pay for the extra luggage if he wants me to go shopping for him. - Aiobhean followed.  
\- I told you, the girls are clever. - Owen told his friend.  
They left their shopping bags by the entrance and went to the kitchen.  
\- I am sure that a nice dinner will make up for the lack of presents. - Tara suggested.  
\- Yes definitely. I am already feeling better. - Her boyfriend smiled back.  
\- Yes, the word dinner does miracles. - the curly blond rolled her eyes.

  
It was nearly the end of April when their friends left, they really needed to prepare for the trip to France.  
Tauriel had a look at their budget and she was not happy.  
\- We are not going by coach. - Cillian announced.  
\- And how are you planning to travel, my love? Our budget is limited... unless... - she trailed off.  
\- Well, I really want to try to do it with our money. -  
\- So...? -  
\- By bike. -  
\- I hope you don't mean by bicycle. - she smiled.  
He laughed - Funny... you don't know because you've never checked, but there is a motorbike 'hidden' in the garden shed. -  
She was stunned.  
\- A motorbike? -  
He nodded with a smug expression - It is actually a Harley, a pretty good bike to travel I should point out. -  
\- You have a Harley hidden in the shed? - she could not believe it. _Always full of surprises_.  
\- Well, it is not exactly mine. But I am sure Fi won't mind me using it in this case, since I am using it to find him. -  
Tauriel was still surprised but she was carefully listening to Kili.  
\- He won't mind you using it? - she repeated  
\- Well... - _Ops I shouldn't have said that_.  
\- No, hold on. He has a Harley... so where is your bike? -  
\- I... - _Damn it! You are going exactly where I did not want you to go_.  
\- 'Cause if Fili has a bike you must have one as well. - _you are so clever_.  
Kili did not like where the conversation was going as he knew exactly what was coming.  
\- Yes, I had. - He looked sheepishly at the floor.  
Tara mind was racing, piecing together what her boyfriend did not want to tell her.  
\- You had... and do I want to know what happened to that bike? -  
\- No, I don't think you really want to. – when he finally lifted his gaze, he had such guilty face.  
She sighed.  
\- I thought so. We are not going by bike. - she said firmly.  
\- But I can ride very well. It was not my fault. – he protested.  
\- I am sure it wasn't but I am not taking any risk. -  
\- Oh, come on! Do you really think that with you in the back I would…? - _No, please_.  
\- Not taking any risk. -  
\- The Harley is a strong bike. -  
\- The bike might be indestructible, but you are not my love. -  
\- Come on. - He snorted.  
\- And when this happened? -  
\- A long time ago. - he was quick to answer.  
\- I mean was your brother here? -  
He sighed - Yes, he was and don't worry I got punished for it. He made sure that I felt damn sorry about it. -  
\- Well, I am glad he did. -  
Kili rolled his eyes and then he let himself fall on the sofa and pouted looking at Tara.  
\- Oh, don't look at me like that. I won't change my mind. No bike that is final. -  
He kept on staring at her.  
\- Your safety is my priority. -  
And with that, the conversation was definitely closed.

Tauriel tried to work out their budget, again and again, to try to magically make it work but it was almost impossible.  
\- We are going out too much Kili. - she told him. – No more cinema, theatres and exhibitions. -  
\- But I like to take you out. – he complained.  
\- We need to save, my prince. – she pointed out.  
\- A prince without funds. - he snorted.  
\- Still always my prince. - she smiled.  
\- And we cannot go out for dinner either. - she added  
\- Oh no... that too? -  
\- Yes. -  
\- I mean I love your cooking, but I like to eat out sometimes. -  
\- I know my love but we are on a very tight budget. -  
He sighed. _I must find a solution to this..._

The following week Tara told Claire that soon they were going to leave for France.  
\- Again? -  
\- Yeah. -  
\- I will miss you so much... God, you are always travelling now! -  
She smiled, she was genuinely happy for her friend but still, it was going to be hard not to have her around.  
\- I know, me too. - Tauriel hugged her.  
She debated a little and then she decided to tell the blond girl the reason for their trip.  
She always shared with her what she could.  
\- Do you think you will find him? -  
\- I like to believe we will. -  
\- Even after everyone had already looked for him everywhere? -  
\- Not in France they didn't. -  
\- Well, there is a reason for it. -  
\- I know... but I think we should try. -  
\- It's great that you want to help him. He is a good guy, he has made you so happy and I am glad for it but... -  
She took a deep breath she did not want to shutter her friend's optimism.  
\- ... you don't want to fill his head with unrealistic hopes. -  
\- I know. - Tara sighed. - We are just giving it a try ...I don't think he has much hope anyway. -  
\- I wish you all the luck the world. - seeing her friend gloomy face Claire returned the hug.  
It was a raining afternoon and they spent it at home chatting about the trip, the tight budget and many other things.  
Tauriel also asked her to look after the place while they were going to be away.  
\- You can come just once a week if you want or you can stay here. – she suggested.  
\- It’s entirely up to you. –  
\- That’s fine no problem… however, there is always something I wanted to ask you... - the blond girl told her.  
Her friend was almost dreading what was going to come next.  
Yet, she would have never expected what followed.  
\- What is that? - she was pointing at one of the kitchen wooden cupboards with a bright red sticker that read EMERGENCY.  
Tara laughed - That's the emergency cupboard. -  
\- Well, I could have guessed that much. But why? -  
\- I am surprised you have never asked me before.-  
Her friend could not stop laughing.  
\- That's Cillian cupboard... it was his brother idea and it works so we kept it. -  
\- Please elaborate... -  
The red-haired girl was still laughing.  
\- Basically, my dear boyfriend is quite forgetful about basic things... such as coffee, tea, biscuits, sugar and so on.  
I can text him what he needs to get before he gets home, and he will surely come home empty-handed.  
While they were leaving here his brother had got quite frustrated with him forgetting basic essentials and having to go out late at night to get them...  
so he invented this system and it works. -  
Claire was growing more and more intrigued.  
\- All Cillian must do is making sure that in the cupboard there are always 2 of everything. 2 jars of coffee, 2 boxes of tea, 2 packets of biscuits, 2 packets of sugar and so on.  
In the cupboard, there are only necessities. Every day he checks it without a fail and I take care of everything else.  
I know it seems strange but believe me, it works. -  
Claire laughed at the 'ingenious' solution.  
She was still laughing when suddenly they heard the keys in the door and Kili walked in completely drenched with at least 3 bags full of what looked like art supplies.  
\- Wow, the boy went shopping! - Claire greeted him.  
\- And hello to you Claire - he replied removing his wet jacket.  
\- So what did you get us? -  
\- Canvas, acrylics, watercolours and brushes. -  
\- Wow, that's fantastic! - she teased him.  
\- My dear Blondie, mock me but this stuff it’s going to make us money. -  
Claire gave him a sceptical look.  
\- I know you can paint... remember? I have seen your paintings...but it will take time to sell them... -  
Tara said nothing, but clearly, she shared the same opinion.  
\- I have a plan. - he said confidently  
Suddenly his mobile rang.  
\- and this is my plan working. - he said looking at the display.  
\- Hi Crash. -  
\- Hello, and how are you, little brother? -  
\- Fantastic. -  
\- Great you hear you well! So, you texted. You have something for me, right?  
\- Yes, I have if you are interested to buy my stuff. -  
\- Need to see them. How many? -  
\- 6. -  
\- Uhm if you could do 10 I'll give you the basic upfront maybe more when I see them. -  
\- 10? You are really pushing me. -  
\- Come on. You sound like you need my help. -  
He sighed.  
\- Well, I do... Ok deal. -

\- Crash? - Tauriel repeated as he ended the call.  
\- He sounded like a drug dealer. - Claire added.  
\- Crash is a friend - he snorted - and I know him only by this name.  
He has promised he'll buy all my canvas - he clarified for the girls.  
\- All your canvas? What canvas? - his girlfriend asked.  
\- The ones that I will start to paint right now. - he smiled confidently.  
He started to paint immediately, and he did not stop for the whole week.  
The paintings had to be finished by the following week-end.

Claire came back to see them in the middle of the week with some 'supplies'.  
\- Wow! He is really pushing himself! - she said while getting through the door in the early evening.  
\- He is. - Tara was very proud of his efforts.  
\- Well, since you both are on a budget I thought to come prepared. -  
She put the two bags she was caring on top of the kitchen counter.  
\- I've got an Indian take away. -  
A warm, spicy curry smell permeated the air.  
\- Uhm... We love you, Claire! - the messy artist shouted from the other side of the big open space.  
\- You shouldn't have but really thanks so much! - his girlfriend said.  
\- Sorry I cannot say you shouldn't have. I love Indian takeaways! -  
He walked into the kitchen and he was going to start digging into one of the bags.  
\- You love any kind of food. - Tara moved the bag before he could even touch it.  
\- True - he smiled still trying to reach for it.  
\- Your hands are full of paint. Go and wash them while we set the table. -  
He pouted while his stomach grumbled, and the two girls burst into a spontaneous laugh.

Tara had managed to get the weekend off to help Cillian to carry all his paintings to Crash’s place.  
They were going on Sunday, but early on Saturday morning. he was still retouching them when she walked downstairs curious to see what had gotten him out of bed so early on a Saturday morning.  
A massive cloth that used to be white cover the area by the French windows that led to the back garden.  
That was where he had the best light. Some paintings were leaned against the wall and others carefully positioned on four different easels.  
Tauriel loved to look at him working on his canvas.  
He put meticulous care on every brush stroke, she had never seen that level of attention in him with anything else... well, except for her probably.  
Everyone could see that he had a real passion and he was very talented.  
He was so taken by the painting that he almost did not notice her.  
\- You are so messy. - she pretended to complain.  
\- My girl, I am dealing with paint and it is a messy business. -  
A cheeky smile lit his face as he turned to her.  
\- Come here. - he tried to grab her.  
\- Go and wash off the paint. -  
\- No. - he was still smiling.  
\- I won't get near to you then. - she pouted.  
He was looking at her like a lion that looks at his pray.  
She offered him a daring smile.  
In response, he got closer.  
\- You won't dare. - she smiled.  
\- I dare. - he grabbed her so quickly, she had no chance to run.  
The paint was on her clothing as he kissed her tenderly.  
While he was still hugging her, she had dipped her free hand in one of the colours laying around without him realizing it.  
\- Me too. I dare. - she backed away and practically cleaned her hand on his t-shirt.  
He did not expect it, but he did not mind.  
\- You really shouldn't have. - his eyes had a cheeky glint in them.  
He dipped his hand in one of the colours in return.  
\- Nooo. - she screamed playfully.  
\- Oh yes. - he laughed.  
A battle of colours began... they played like kids chasing each other with their hands full of paint.  
She loved the way his mirthful eyes were following her, she loved the sparkle she saw in them.  
Everything was forgotten, he was just happy.  
She loved him that way.  
_This is how you should be… always._  
\- Ops... I think we made a real mess. - he was catching his breath.  
\- I guess we need to clean it up. - she said looking around.  
He scooped her up swiftly and she giggled.  
\- Well, I guess we need to take a shower first. - he said while caring her upstairs.  
He put her down inside the shower.  
She looked at him - This can go to bin now. - a playful smile appeared on her face as she helped him to remove his t-shirt.  
He loved the light in her emerald eyes, he read the yearning in them and he kissed her passionately.

Tara was laying on the bed in a fluffy white bathrobe when he walked in with just a towel hanging loosely on his hips.  
\- Tauriel... I .... - he took a deep breath. It was not simple.  
\- My prince. - She smiled.  
The way she was looking at him did not help.  
He could have so easily got lost into her eyes again and talk to her another time.  
He could but he did not.  
He quickly put on a t-shirt and sat next to her.  
\- Tauriel... - he gently stroked her hair.  
It was not about how much he loved her, his heart was hers.  
It was darkness he was afraid to share.  
The bad times, the bitterness, the guilt, the resentment, all those things that were clouding his soul and dragging him down.  
The things that he could not control.  
All that he was scared to lay bare for her to see.  
_She won't like that side of me. I hate it myself_.  
Yet, he knew he had to open up to her.  
She was so good, he could not keep on shutting her out.  
\- I think I been unfair to you. -  
_Where is this going_... she looked at him intently while he struggled to look at her.  
\- Many times ... many things I have not told you. -  
She shook her head.  
- You don't need to tell me anything unless you really want to. -  
\- No, believe me, I do... You don't know quite how bad it has been and there are so many things I have done that I am not proud of.  
I have been horrible to people that really did not deserve it, I had all this... - he sighed.  
\- ... this anger inside and I .... - he took a deep breath.  
\- I would love you to open up to me but I understand it hurts. I am always here for you as you have been here for me, my prince. - she touched his face delicately.  
\- My love for you will not diminish whatever you choose to tell me 'cause I know you. I know your soul. - She placed a hand on his heart.  
\- I really do and you are good, Kili. -  
He finally looked at her and she could see the tears inside his eyes... still, they did not want to fall.  
_Not yet my warrior prince, but I'll be there._  
\- I want to be better for you... for us. -  
\- Kili. -  
\- You see when Fili was gone I totally lost it and the scary thing is that I did not even know I did.  
When it happened... when I was inside it I could not see what I was doing to the people around me and to myself.  
I saw nothing, but my pain and I drown inside it. -  
She wanted to hug him so badly, but she waited.  
_Ah, if only I could take away everything you have been through_.  
\- I never had a great relationship with some of my relatives, yet the way I reacted was not right after all everyone tried his best in his own way to find my brother.  
I shouted so much at everyone, I argued with my mum and at my dad ...  
I had been pretty selfish, I choose to ignore the fact that they lost their son as much as I lost my brother. -  
\- Grief is very complex... I ... I think I am still working it out. - she murmured.  
He touched her face delicately. He could not forget that she knew his sorrow as well.  
_The sorrow of loss_.  
\- I had been too confused for too long, hitting at everyone that tried to help. I could not control it and I know that I cannot always do it even now.  
I had so many things running through my head, things that I could not understand, and I wanted to shut it all out. - he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  
The memory of those days hurt.  
Tara had Cillian with her when she had begun to remember her past, he helped so much and yet there were still days when it was not easy.  
He had no one. He was alone, and he had to work it out all by himself.  
\- Oh, Kili. - Tauriel was the one struggling to hold her tears.  
When he started he was like a swollen river he could not stop.  
\- At a certain point I just wanted to switch off that's why I started to drink...  
That's why I would do it even now. - the look in his eyes was so sad.  
\- Drinking stops me from thinking about it.  
Ah God! the things that I've done when I was drunk... all the fights... you really don't want to know and lots of them I don't even remember.  
In... in rehab, even if I hated it, I started to see what I was doing, not that I could really help it but I became aware of so many things.  
I hated that place so much... 'cause they forced me to look at myself and at what was going on inside me. -  
She hugged him and hold him tight.  
\- I am sure that if I did not go there I might not be with you now... but if I did not find you when I did, I am even more sure I would not have lasted long. -  
Tauriel could no longer hold back her tears.  
The thought of losing him again scarred her so much.  
They hold in that embrace for a while.  
He moved back slowly and gently wiped the tears from her face.  
\- Please forgive me 'cause I am making you cry again. -  
She shook her head.  
\- I rather know what goes on inside your head, even if it hurts. -  
He caressed her face gently.  
\- You are the sweetest person on the planet. -  
He tried to smile but it was hard, then he kissed her tenderly.

\- I am the last person Fili spoke with before he disappeared. He called me from the port before he took the ferry.  
I had gone out with my mates that night. I actually did not even drink that much I just went home quite late.  
I remember everything that happened on that day. Can you imagine?  
I cannot remember things that I need, I cannot even remember to buy milk but of that day I remember every single detail, even the scent in the air.  
My mobile woke me up, it was nearly midday, it was my mother.  
She was calling 'cause she could not get hold of Fi.  
And in that moment, I remember I thought nothing of it. Everything was normal.  
I thought my brother had got home tired and forgot to charge his mobile.  
I woke up, looked around and realized he was not here and still I did not panic.  
I called him, I've got his voicemail and I began to worry a little.  
So, I called my dad, I thought that maybe there had been a problem with the ferry...  
That's when I started to panic, Fi was not there, he took the ferry.  
I could not even think, I really didn't know what to do.  
Silly me! In my life, I never had to really take care of things completely on my own...  
Fi had always been there. -  
He took a deep breath.  
\- Called my mum and she freaked out completely.  
I called the police, but they could do nothing ... you know 24 hours have to pass for someone to be missing.  
So, I called the port and the ferry company. Then I started to call everyone we knew, literally every single person, to tell them... to ask if he had contacted them.  
That's how I spent the first day without him.  
The following day when my mum showed up at my door I was still on the phone calling people.  
I had not stopped, I had not slept. I did not even feel tired or hungry or anything.  
Fili was gone nothing else mattered.  
From the moment she came everyone else took over.  
My dad had already gone to the port and they confirmed that my brother had boarded the ferry.  
Then he had gone to the police and they told him to come back after a day or two.  
The police did not care… that got me so angry. – frustration was in his voice.  
\- A whole day passed, and nobody had heard from him. It was only me and my mum for the first 3 o 4 days and we drove each other mad.  
Then the rest of her family arrived and that did not help and next, my father arrived, and it got worst.  
By then I hardly slept and the dreams began around the same time, so strong and vivid, so real. I could no longer rest.  
The hardest was…  
Once I realized that I was not going to see my brother any sooner. At that point, I just took off.  
I could not stay around the family circus and listen to all their silly theories and possibilities. They just got me worked out.  
I did punch a couple of my cousins once or twice. Not that it helped but it made me feel better.  
Then they found the documents, his passports and his ferry ticket on a shore not far from the port.  
Since nobody had been able to find him everyone started to say he was dead.  
That was the day when everything really crushed down on me.  
I thought, more or less, that the dreams were only dreams up until then.  
I could not allow myself to believe that they were real.  
I argued badly with my grandfather in Scotland and a vision came to me.  
I saw Thorin… in Erebor.  
It was powerful, it took me away. Something like that had never happened before.   
Then, while I was trying to recover from it…- he took a deep breath.  
\- I saw Fili’s death. -  
He closed his eyes and stopped for a while. She gently stroked his hair.  
\- The visions kept on coming they did not leave me alone. – Cillian continued.  
\- Some scared me, some others were nice, like when I saw you for the first time.  
Yet, I could not control them, and they always took me away.  
That’s was when I lost completely all control. -  
That day Kili told her absolutely everything that happened from the moment they realized Fili was gone, up until the day they met. He needed to let it all out.  
Telling her everything, allowing for all those deep emotions to be released had tired him out and he fell asleep only to be woken up by Tauriel much later.  
  
OOOOOOOOO  
  
On Sunday Tara got up quite early, she was a bit excited about going to Brick Lane to sell the paintings.  
It was one of many places in London where she had never been.  
Also, Kili had promised her a special surprise. – You will see it, I hope... but I am sorry you cannot take it with you. –  
And about Brick Lane he had told her – I think that is my second favourite place in London after Greenwich…or maybe they are equal.  
He pondered a little - Yes, they are...  but Brick Lane looks nothing like here… it’s just different.  
The two are totally different.   
That had made more than curious about their day out.

Kili had strolled calmly downstairs around 9 o’clock taking all his time.  
\- There is no hurry – he had told her – Crash doesn’t get up early and Brick Lane is not far. -  
They left a 10.30 from Greenwich and they arrived in Brick Lane just before midday.  
Walking down Brick Lane Tara understood exactly what her boyfriend meant when he said it was different.  
It was one of the centres of London multicultural heart, it was colourful, ethnic, vintage and yet contemporary.  
Along the main road there were many curry houses, Asians shops as well as many other restaurants, Japanese, Turkish, Spanish, Italian, Syrian and many more.  
There were pubs, vintage shops, bookshops, even a chocolate shop.  
Most importantly she understood why Cillian loved it, the place was covered in graffiti and any kind of street art. It was simply everywhere.  
Her eyes could not capture it all.  
It was a little microcosmos, a pulsating vibrant heart that functioned only thanks to London diversity.

\- I love this place. - she told him.  
\- I knew you were going to like it! - he smiled, very pleased.  
\- Once I get paid we'll go and have lunch in a Curry House I know. -

They stopped in front of a white door with 4 bright red aces drawn on every corner.  
It made Tauriel think about Alice in the Wonderland.  
\- That’s different. – she commented.  
\- I told you. – he smiled  
\- Does Crash lives here? -  
\- Maybe, maybe not… maybe sometimes. – the playful smile had not left him.  
\- and you know him well? -  
\- Well enough I think. However please be very openminded. I know you will be, but I just need to tell you. Crash is… well... different. -  
\- It goes with the name I supposed. – she smiled back.  
\- Yes, exactly! – he said, and he rang the bell.

OOOOOOOO

Frida was looking at the sunset from the hospital window.  
Everyone could read the sadness in her eyes.  
_How long had passed?_  
More than two years…  
She sighed.  
Everything had changed from the moment he was gone.  
The world had become a gloomy, darker place.  
First, they took Fili.  
Her and Eloise tried relentlessly but they could do nothing about it.  
They only managed to see him again twice.  
Then her mother had died.  
That had sent her through a whole new level of pain.  
_Bad things never come alone_.  
The last time she saw him it had been so painful, yet she was glad that they still had managed to see him.  
She dreaded to think about him… _what is it of you now_?  
_Is this ever going to change?_  
She sighed again.  
_How I wish you were here…_  
She could not waist more time, she needed to get back to work before some complained.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and thanks for all you comments. You are always so kind!
> 
> P.S. The white door with 4 aces on each corner really exists in Brick Lane... but if you ring the bell I don't know who will answer you ;) So don't even try.


	6. Memories of another life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is all about Fili. He actually started to remember who he was right before everything got taken away from him again.  
> ... and yet it is not the whole story...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to Papillon Rouge and Apus_Apus for your comments! I always wait to know what you think! :)  
> I love comments so anyone reading please let me know if you like it.  
> This time I am not too sure about Fili and Sigrid/Frida... I might add a bit more to it when I get time.  
> Any way enjoy!  
> P.S. Sorry for any typos I always try to catch them all ;)

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.  
\- Kahlil Gibran -  
  
Your memory feels like home to me.  
So whenever my mind wanders, it always finds it’s way back to you.  
\- Ranata Suzuki -  
  
=====================

Since Freda had brought him the books from the art fair she had visited, new dreams had started to populate Fili's nights... new dreams he did not know.  
Places he had never seen. Kili was in them a lot... so was his mum and maybe even... his father.  
_No, that's not possible. My dad died shortly after Kili was born._  
He could remember very little of him, his face was totally out of focus... almost a blur.  
All he knew was that he was a good, honest and strong dwarf and that he had his golden hair and Kili lovely dark eyes.  
Those dreams left him very puzzled, but he told no one about them as he had decided to work it all out by himself.

The dreams kept on coming...

He was running along a long whitewashed corridor, Kili was right behind him screaming at the top of his lungs - Grandmaaa!!! -  
An old lady was waiting for them with open arms, she had his brother's eyes.  
The hug felt warm and a strange sense of belonging took him.

A pastel blue townhouse with a tidy garden at the front.  
It looked so pretty. He liked it... it felt like home.

Then he was very young tucked in a nice comfy bed.  
His brother was in the bed right next to his.  
\- The dragon Fi... read for me again the story of Saint George and the Dragon. -  
\- Enough with the dragon. -  
\- Pleeease Fi. -  
\- Sleep! It's late. -  
\- No, it's not. -  
\- Sleep. -  
\- No. -  
\- Sleeep. -  
\- Fi, do dragons exist? -  
\- No. -  
\- Never? -  
\- Never. -  
\- Never ever? -  
\- Sleep. -  
\- Fi. -  
\- Why did you get so fixated with dragons now?  
\- They gave us the book at school. -  
\- I hate dragons! Don't mention it again. -  
\- But Fi. -  
\- I will never talk to you again. -  
Then there was silence.  
His little brother was so quiet that he got worried.  
\- Ki? -  
\- I am sleeping or you will not talk to me again. -  
Fili smiled sweetly.  
\- Night Ki. -  
\- Night Fi. -  
There was something regarding his brother asking about the dragon that worried him...  
he knew... _What was it? Why?_

And then there was a strong smell of lavender and the sound of waves.  
The air was salty, and he felt the warmth of the sun on his face.  
He could almost see a beach... it was so peaceful.

His mother was cooking a stew while he was seating in front of a fireplace.  
Toys were scattered on the floor.  
His brother was sleeping peacefully on the sofa next to him.  
\- Come on boys, time to tidy up! – she shouted.  
\- Sshhh mum, Ki is sleeping. -  
She came over to him.  
\- Oh, he is such a little angel... when he sleeps. -  
Then she stroked Fili's golden hair. - Please tidy up for me. Quick before he wakes, and you’ll get some chocolate. -  
  _C_ _hocolate!_

 _What are these…How…?_  
_I have never seen these places._  
_Where are these dreams coming from?_  
  
OOOOOOOOOOO  
  
He had got used to seeing Freda every day.  
She brought him news from outside and he listened avidly.  
He loved the way she told him the simple things that happened to her every day, making them sound so interesting.  
He liked to hear about her family.  
_That's because I miss mine so much_.  
That was what he told himself.  
She helped him with his daily exercises and in the afternoon, they watch TV together... when she could.  
He liked the way she looked at him at times, she was not even aware she was doing it.  
Fili did not know how fast his soft smile was conquering the girl's heart.  
He liked her patience and the kindness and care she put in her job.  
He always did his best to follow her advice.  
He had got better because she wanted him to get better.  
Every day he won a little piece of her heart.  
Sometimes their eyes got caught lingering while the other was not watching.  
_Do I? ...No, it's not possible... Does she?_  
Her smile made him happier every day and he found himself just waiting for the moment he would see it.  
_No, she would never... I am just a patient_ …  
And in truth, she was very careful in trying not to let out anything else but it had become harder and harder every day.  
Those gentle blue eyes had the sky in them, the lovely dimples that appeared every time his charming smile lit his face...  
Fili got to her quietly, very discreetly ... soft and gentle as he was.  
  
OOOOOOO  
  
Not one day passed without Fili thinking about his brother.  
Aside from Freda, he was a constant thought.  
_How is Kili now? Had it recovered? What had happened to him?_

And the dreams continued...

They were in a castle... no, it was a palace... he was not sure.  
It was a massive stone building. It was daunting.  
There were many kids all dressed the same.  
\- This will be your home for a while. - a tall old man in a suit told them.  
He felt his brother little hand tightening his grip on his.  
Kili would not admit it but he was scared.  
The dark wooden room looked intimidating.  
Everything was too formal for them, they simply were not used to it.  
_Which place is this? It doesn't feel good._  
\- Come with me. - a lady tried to get his brother’s hand, but he was not willing to go with her.  
\- Please, can I go with him? - his own voice sounded so little in that huge space.  
She looked at him weighing the situation.  
\- Alright then. -  
\- I don't like it here, Fi. - Kili had whispered while they walked behind the woman.  
\- Don't worry I am here. - he had tightened his grip on the little hand but really he wanted to say _me too I hate it._

Then he was wearing the same clothing as the other kids.  
He was walking along one of the longest corridors he had ever seen.  
He looked out in the courtyard and the grass was so green against the stone building and then he saw his brother out there.  
He was surrounded by three other kids, the tallest one was towering over Kili and then he pushed him to the ground.  
Two other kids were next to him.  
He ran out, his heart was beating so fast. _What are they doing? Why?_  
He completely forgot where he was heading before.  
Once he reached them, Fili literally jumped on two of the kids.  
\- Live him alone. - he shouted.  
They had fallen to the ground, but he wasted no time as he jumped on the tall kid, the one that had pushed his brother.  
Kili, on the other hand, could not stay and watch, he had got up and jumped on one of the two still on the ground pinning him down.  
The third one got scared and run for help.  
Soon other kids came and some adults. They were upset with them.  
_That's so unfair, it wasn’t us. It was them!_  
They both try to explain but nobody wanted to listen.  
\- Which one of you two has started it? -  
\- Me. - Fili said quickly.  
\- No. - his brother shouted.  
\- Ki just shut up. – he whispered.  
\- No. - he had said again.  
\- Well, well you will share the punishment then. – an old lady said.  
Fili sighed. That was exactly what he wanted to avoid.  
Of course, in a place like that, it was physical punishment.  
\- Kids are like trees, they need to be straightened when they are little. - one of the other adults told them.  
Kili was stoical, not a tear.  
He was not going to give them satisfaction and Fili did not either, but it hurt.  
\- When I said it was me you were supposed to shut up. - he told him when they were alone in their dorm.  
He got no answer, that worried him.  
Kili had gone to sit in a corner and he had made himself into a ball, holding his knees to his chin.  
He went closer - Does it hurt? -  
The little one nodded.  
It did, he knew it did.  
Fili wanted to cry. _How did we end up in this misery?_  
He hugged his brother tight and he held his little red hands and started to blow on them.  
_Like this is going to help..._  
His hands hurt as well, even more. He was older, so they had doubled the dose.  
It did not matter Kili was hurt.  
\- Is it better? -  
His brother just nodded but he knew it wasn't.

 _Where was that place? Was it real? It looked real._  
_Poor Ki._

He thought a lot about those dreams.  
They were not in Middle Earth... how was it possible?  
Kili was there in that 'New World' like him, he had seen him before.  
Maybe those things had really happened to them.  
_I just cannot remember them._  
_But then who am I? Am I Nick? No, I cannot be._  
His brother called him Fi in his dreams like he always did.  
It was all a complicated puzzle and he felt that a headache was coming.  
  
OOOOOO

He had been on the new ward, for about 6 months and his side of the room was decorated with the many postcards and newspaper cuttings that Freda and Eloise brought him.  
They were meant to help to make it look a bit homier.  
Well, after all, that was the only home he could remember, they only one he knew.  
...but sometimes he thought about a pastel building, a townhouse... or long whitewashed corridors in a big home... he was not sure he even knew those places for real.  
  
His nurse came one day with a new postcard for his collection. It had a colourful painting on it.  
\- I've got something for you. I saw it and I really like it. - she said while handing him the card.  
\- I know this! - he said as soon as he saw it.  
He could not remember where, but I had seen it before.  
Not just seen it, even held it… _maybe_.  
\- It's from a painter in Brittany... I don't know the name. Sorry, I will find out for you. -  
He nodded. He really liked the painting.  
He held it for a long time hoping for something to come to him but, nothing.  
Yet, he knew it was important.

Unfortunately, Freda did not look for the name of the painter.  
At the end of her shift, they told her that Fili was going to be discharged from the hospital.  
The news made her happy. He needed to get out and start a normal life if he wanted to get better.  
However her hopes were immediately crushed when they told her that they were transferring him to a Mental Institution about 230 miles from there.  
She was completely shocked.  
_I need to find Eloise. We need to help him. We must stop them_.

Fili looked at the postcard till late.  
He did not know why but he had a strong feeling that if he remembered where he had seen it then he might have been able to solve his puzzle.

OOOOOO  
  
That night he dreamed again.  
The dreams did not want to live him alone.

He and Kili were standing in front of a man holding hands.  
They had not seen him for a long time.  
He felt awkward.  
He had his brother's eyes... was he?  
_No, it's not possible I have no father._  
He felt the tears in his eyes, then he let Kili hand go and he ran to hug him.  
He was... he was his father.  
He had never felt happier in his life. He did not want to leave that warm hug.  
\- And you are not coming? - his dad called his brother.  
He loved his father’s voice. He had a dad!  
_Why Ki is not coming?_  
His father was worried.  
Fili went a grabbed his brother's hand to shake him out of his fears.  
Then Kili run with tears in his eyes and he hugged his dad like he was never going to let him go and he joined him.

He was leaving a shop, in a town he did not know...  
when right opposite he spotted a group of boys surrounding a girl with messy blond hairs.  
He could not remember her, but he knew her.  
\- Ohy! - he shouted across the street.  
His brother was still in the shop.  
He ran to the other side.  
He pushed them aside and he pulled the girl closer.  
\- What do you want with her? - one of them asked.  
\- What do I want with her? She is my sister. -  
She was not but he did not matter.  
Ki got out to the shop and he saw them.  
His eyes caught Fili's, all they needed was a glance.  
He immediately ran to them.  
\- Ohy what you are doing? - he shouted from across the road.  
The guys got worried, those two did not seem to have the best intentions.  
\- Let's leave. -  
\- You better. - Kili told them as he got closer.  
\- Are you all right? - they asked together.  
 She nodded a little shaken.  
\- Idiots! -  
His brother said while he turned around and hit an empty can laying on the floor, that flew and went to hit one of the guys in the back of his head.  
\- That's aim! – he said quite satisfied with himself.  
Fili rolled his eyes.  
\- Let’s leave before they come back. – he urged him.  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Eloise came to see him.  
He was absentmindedly looking out of the window.  
He looked happy.  
_Finally, he is really getting better._  
\- Who is that smile for? -  
\- What? ... No one. -  
\- You can fool her but not me young man?  
\- Her who? -  
\- You like her. -  
\- I? -  
\- You know who I am talking about. -  
\- Come on, Eloise. -  
\- She might not be aware of it yet, but you are. You are clever than her! -  
\- I am not clever! I am a fool, remember? -  
\- Tell yourself what you want but you know very well what I am talking about. -  
\- Even if I knew what you are talking about I am a patient... her patient actually. -  
\- And so? -  
He sighed.  
\- Anyway, where is the object of your attention? Actually, the person that got your attention? -  
\- What got into you today, Eloise? Do you feel the change in the weather or something? -  
Eloise knew he was going to be discharged from the hospital, so she was happy...  
what she did not know was that he was going to be sent somewhere else.  
\- Freda has been looking for me but I was not around. I took a couple of days off. -  
\- Everything ok? -  
\- Yeah, I just took time off and spent it with my son. -  
\- I bet he was happy. -  
\- He was. - she smiled, and he was really happy she had a good time.  
_You deserve it._  
She had always been great with him, she cared about him from the moment he opened his eyes again.  
She was a great friend.  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
By the end of the day Eloise had found Freda and she had learnt what was going to be poor Fili faith.  
\- It won't happen. - she sounded so sure of herself.  
But the young nurse sighed.  
\- There must be a way. -  
From that moment on they both tried everything to revert the hospital's decision.  
Not all doctors were happy about it and they hoped that would have worked in their favour.  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
They were getting ready, packing two small bags.  
Where were they going?  
\- Ki, remember just the essentials. -  
\- I know, I know. -  
\- I mean it. -  
\- You told me 5 times. I got it! Just the essentials. -  
They quickly went downstairs.  
Their mother was there.  
\- You look after your brother.-  
\- Always. - he kissed her cheek.  
\- I don't need looking after! - everyone ignored Kili.  
\- Have you left me Owen's parents’ number just in case? -  
She asked while fixing her youngest son’s jacket collar.  
\- We are not 6 years old, mum. - his brother protested.  
\- I need to know where you are. You're a minor! And I need to know where he is, 'cause he is my son. -  
\- I am with my brother! Is that not enough? -  
\- What if something happens? -  
\- Why something always must happen to us? -  
\- Come on Ki. Stop arguing! We have left you the number on the kitchen counter. -  
They left.  
\- Bye boys. -  
She waved from the door.  
Fili felt terribly guilty... they were not going where they said they were.  
They were leaving. He knew that.  
\- What's wrong Fi? - his brother sensed it.  
\- Don't you feel guilty? -  
Kili looked down.  
\- No. -  
\- You do! Don’t lie. -  
\- Ok, maybe a little. But this time it was your idea. -  
\- I know. - Fili sighed.  
\- Somehow, I know it will work out. - he added.  
\- It will. - his brother reassured him.  
\- We have to leave. -  
\- Yeah, you are right. -  
\- Just, it is difficult to leave mum. - _Always_  
Kili nodded while searching his pockets.  
\- Have you lost something? -  
\- No. -  
His mother had given Kili a run stone when they left her to follow Thorin in his quest.  
A rune stone to remind him to come back to her... A promise...  
... but they were not in Middle Earth.  
Where were they going? Why were they leaving their mother?

OOOOOOOOOOOO

In spite of some support, the decision of the head of the psychiatric ward of the hospital could not be reversed.  
\- I swear there is something strange behind this. -  
\- We must find another solution. -  
Eloise tried to have Fili released under her care.  
She would have become his 'legal guardian'.  
However, the French bureaucracy was tedious, and her demand required so many papers.  
Yet, the two friends did not give up even if Fili's time was running out.  
In the meanwhile, the poor patient was completely unaware of his faith.

Finally, time run out without a solution in sight, so the two women went to the extreme.  
They showed up in Fili's room the day before he was due to be transferred at about 9 pm while the other patients were already asleep.  
\- What's happening? - he was so surprised to see them there at that hour without their uniform. They had no choice but to tell him.  
They had also to reveal their simple escape plan.  
However, they did not expect his answer.  
\- I cannot allow you to do this. It's crazy! - he told them without too much deliberation.  
He could not believe what the two women were ready to put themselves through for him.  
_Why? I am nobody to you._  
\- You don't know even who I am! I mean I don't know who I am. -  
\- I don't think so... I think somewhere in your head you know who you are. - Eloise offered him one of her warmest smiles.  
He shook his head.  
\- For all you know, I can be that petty criminal that everyone around is thinking I am. -  
\- No, you are not! - Frida looked at him intently.  
\- You know it! We know it - she sounded so upset and her eyes were so deep on him.  
_Oh ,girl! I just want to hug you and tell you it will be ok._  
\- I might be not but I cannot let you do this. -  
\- But we want to! - Eloise was not going to listen to him.  
\- Ah, you'll get in so many troubles! - his frustration was growing.  
\- Don't you get it? We actually want to get into trouble for you! - Freda was too close and she was so intense.  
_God how much I want to kiss you! If we just were not here..._  
\- Come on get changed! - Eloise tone was imperative. No chance for discussion.  
He sat on the bed.  
\- I am not going anywhere! -  
\- You are stubborn. Aren't you? -  
\- That I am. - he made his resolution he could not allow them to get into such trouble for him.  
_There must be another way._  
\- Please. - Freda was close to tears.  
He did not want to hurt her but knowing what she could lose if they found out he did not move.  
There were cameras everywhere in the hospital if he just disappeared they were going to found out for sure.  
Freda was going to be the first person to be questioned and Eloise was his only visitor.  
She came almost every day so there was no chance they would not question her as well.  
_I am sorry I cannot follow you as much as I would want to... I cannot._  
\- No. -  
\- You don't know how it would be like in that place. - Freda was breaking his heart.  
\- No. -  
\- It is a mental institution, not a hospital like here. It's a place for crazy people and you are not... -  
\- No. -  
_Ah this is so hard. I am not good at playing this part. I am not 'the stubborn' one_.  
\- Don't you understand it, boy! We don't want to lose you. – he was pushing even Eloise's patience to breaking point.  
\- You won't! We just must find another way. -  
Then they heard a noise down the corridor.  
\- You need to go. - he urged them.  
\- Not without you. - Frida was still hoping to convince him.  
\- You must go. - he said sadly.  
The steps were getting closer.  
The two ladies went to hide in the bathroom and Fili laid down pretending to be asleep.  
A nurse passed by to check that all patients were sleeping in their beds.  
She had a quick glance inside the room and left quickly.

Eloise looked straight into his eyes once they came out from their hiding place.  
\- So, you have made up your mind. -  
\- Yes, and don’t worry I will deal with it. You two just need to find another way. -  
She sighed.  
\- Ok then, in this case, I'll go and check that nobody is coming. You stay. - Eloise was looking at Freda.  
\- What? - they said together.  
The lady smiled sadly looking at the sweet couple - I'll give you two hours then we must leave. -  
\- But. - the girl was so surprised but Fili understood.  
\- Thank you. - he said.  
\- I will find a way. I promise you. -  
\- I have no doubt. -

Two hours...  
Two hours was not even a night...  
Two hours till midnight.  
That was all they had.  
They both look at Eloise leaving.  
Then Freda turned to him no quite sure what to say and he opened his arms to her and smiled.  
_I shouldn’t cry._  
She climbed on the bed and nestled in his arms and he gently kissed her head.  
\- When did this happened? How? -  
\- Well, I might be a fool, but I can be a charming fool. What do you think? -  
She smiled, she was already lost in the perfect blue of his eyes and could not manage much more.  
There was no time for all the things he wanted to tell her.  
He kissed her tenderly and she knew she had to hold that moment forever in her heart.  
\- I love everything you are. The way you laugh, the way you smile, the way your eyes catch every detail, the way you care about all the little things.  
I... I have no even the words to tell you... to explain to you how happy you make me feel. And I am sorry it is only me a fool that doesn't even know his name...-  
She put a hand on his lips. - Ssshh... All I need to know is that you love me. I don't need to know your name. I know who you are... you are the man I love. –  
She had known it before deep in her heart, but she did not allow herself to believe it was possible until those words come out.  
Only then she really knew, only then she accepted it.  
Tears were rising, and he kissed her again... a soft long kiss that took their mind away from the hospital, from their lives, from any life they had.  
They were just two souls in need of each other.  
Fili was happy like he had never been since he lost everything.  
Freda was holding to every single precious second next to her love.  
They both knew that time was their enemy as every tick of the clock was conspiring to separate them.  
So, they spent those two precious hours together opening their hearts to each other, holding in a sweet embrace.

OOOOOOOOO  
  
After they left Fili could not fall asleep until the early hours of the morning.  
He thought a lot about Freda, how much he was going to miss her, and about his strange dreams.  
There were still too many missing pieces to be able to put together the puzzle of his life.  
He was nervous about leaving the safety of ‘his hospital’.  
He was very worried about the Mental Institution.  
He was more than sure he was going to be a horrible place.  
He thought about home… _Kili_  
Something about him that he could not remember.  
_Love… time… little time... lost love_  
A strange hollow sensation filled his heart. _Regret, pain_...  
Many images and voices were spiralling in his head as sleep took him.

The following day he woke up with a drill in his head.  
Of all days to get a headache that was the worst one.  
Freda knew as soon as she looked at him when she arrived.  
She wanted to hug him, but it was not an option everyone was around.  
\- You should have asked for some painkillers earlier. -  
\- I didn’t want to. – that was all he managed.  
She shook her head. His breakfast laid untouched on the side table.  
\- Look at you. You cannot even eat. -  
He just looked at her with a pained expression.  
She had no other option.  
Freda handed him a small cup with 3 pills inside.  
\- No. -  
\- Fili, you must take them. -  
He let his head rest on the pillow and closed his eyes.  
\- Just say my name again... - murmured.  
She felt a twinge in her heart.  
_Please, Fili..._  
\- Come on. -  
He did not reply.  
\- Does it hurt a lot? -  
She sweetly caressed his head when she was sure no one was watching.  
He looked at her.  
\- Please take them. I cannot see you like this. -  
\- I want to be awake. -  
\- Awake and in a lot of pain, it's not good. -  
\- I want to look at you... 'till I can. -  
She sighed.  
\- I don't want you in pain. -  
He waited as long as he could bear it then finally he took them.  
The pain began to subside slowly.  
He had some breakfast then he laid down letting the world continue to turn at his own pace.  
Freda was smiling at him that was what mattered.  
The images that played in his head before, the dreams returned.  
Freda was standing by the bed her hand touched his and it was like electricity.  
Fili had seen that before... _Where?_  
Him and Sigrid? … No, it wasn't him... _Kili  
_ His brother was a fool madly in love... yet she came looking for him  
Kili was sick and the she-elf came to save him.  
Their hands had touched.  
The young girl fingers were entwined with his.  
_I am going to miss you terribly_.

The elf had followed Kili... she truly loved his brother...  
She wanted to protect him.  
His eyes felt so heavy. He knew Eloise had arrived as well, but he could not see her.  
She was far away and out of focus. He talked to her but he did not know what he said.  
_Kili and the elf…_  
Something horrible had happened.  
Something he did not want to remember.  
His brain was working, despite the drugs and the headache.  
It was racing to piece together the part of his life that was missing.  
The orc sword had pierced through Kili's chest.  
_Ki_ _...Little brother...Kili_  
Where was he? Why did he not protect him?  
He had already died.  
He remembered it.  
So, they both had died.  
The she-elf... Tauriel was crying over his brother's body.  
Thorin had died as well.  
Their bloodline had ended.  
  
As his eyes were getting heavier another memory took him.  
It was pouring down outside.  
His brother came to the front door completely drench holding something in his arms.  
\- Look what I found. – he was so excited.  
\- Take off your boots. You are bringing mud everywhere. – their mother was not happy.  
Kili ignored her.  
\- But look mum! -  
\- Take your boots off. -  
Once more he paid no attention to her.  
\- Fi look! -  
\- Now Cillian! Now! – that was her last warning.  
_Cillian… Kili was Cillian_.  
Then he realized, they had died in Middle Earth that was how their battle had ended.  
So, it was possible that by some strange design of fate they had come back to life again in that time.  
He and his brother had been given a second chance.  
And his name, of course, was not Fili.  
Yet, he could not remember it, but he knew he was not too far from it.  
\- _Soon_. – that was his last thought before darkness took him.

OOOOOOOOOO

When he opened his eyes again it was in a different room.  
The place looked more like a prison than a hospital.  
There were bars at the windows and it was completely bare.  
For a second, he was confused... _where am I_?  
Then he remembered....  
He felt almost like the first day when woke up in the hospital.  
The only difference was that there was not a friendly face in sight.  
There was no Freda and no Eloise. He was alone.

He found himself dress in a white uniform.  
They took away the clothing that his friends had bought for him.  
He got up to look out of the window.  
It was a dark gloomy day.  
  
Then Fili remembered something else...  
The battle had ended he, his brother and their uncle had died and then him and Kili got a second shot in a different world.  
Other pieces had been added to complete the puzzle while he slept, and the picture was getting clear.  
_What's my name then? Who am I?  
_  
Before he could work out any answer the door opened.  
Two tall big muscular guys in a white uniform entered followed by three ladies, one that was dressed like a nurse, another one looked like a doctor, the third one was wearing a business suit and she looked very much in charge.  
The elegant lady looked straight at him.  
\- Good morning Nick. We come to visit our new patient. -  
Her tone sounded friendly, but he knew she did not mean it.  
Fili did not like at all the way she was looking at him.  
_Like a cat looks at a mouse._  
He suddenly felt that his troubles were just about to get worst.  
_How am I going to get out of here?_

Fili knew he had to be clever to survive until he could find a way out.  
A battle is not won just with strength, you need some strategy as well.  
Thorin had thought him that and so he fought his battle bravely, the best he could.  
He did his best not to take any medication. He hid it.  
He tried to keep quiet to avoid any attention.  
He went along with what they asked of him without complaining.  
They called him Nick and he began to answer to that name, just because he had to.  
But as careful as he was they found out and when they did there was no escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! Don't forget to comment!  
> Thanks to everyone that has left a kudo!  
> The next chapter will be sweet and sour... a bit of Kili and Tauriel in Brick Lane and a bit of Fili.  
> I hope I will be able to get our lovely couple to France next time. ;)  
> ... not quite sure yet.


	7. Let's go to Wanderland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally our sweet couple is leaving for France but before that they still need to go and collect the funds for their journey.  
> I had a bit of fun with them in Brick Lane... one of my favourite places in London.  
> If you haven't been you should go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my rescued chapter :) for those who have not read the comments at the end of chapter 6, this was ready on Tuesday but then I accidentally deleted it and it took 2 days to rescue it and another day to rewrite the missing pieces.  
> The good thing is that know I know everything that there is to know about how to retrieve any kind of document that you might have deleted in error. ;)  
> So feel free to ask if you need. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you think.  
> Sorry for the typos.

You meet people who forget you. You forget people you meet.  
But sometimes you meet those people you can't forget. Those are your 'friends.  
\- Mark Twain -  
  
==============

Kili had rung the bell, still grinning looking at his girlfriend puzzled face.  
Tara did not know quite what to expect.  
\- Who do you think it will be… the Mad Hatter? The white rabbit or Alice? -  
She shook her head still mystified.  
_I should be used to strange unbelievable things by now_.  
Somehow being there with her prince, the idea that Alice or the Hatter would come to open the door did not seem so farfetched.  
Suddenly they heard some footsteps.  
\- Here we go. -  
A Chinese lady in what looked like a white satin dressing gown opened the door.  
As soon she saw Cillian she hugged him warmly  
\- Little brother, so long. -  
\- Too long … - he replied.  
\- Miko, this is Tara my girlfriend and the love of my life. - he pulled her closer.  
\- Nice to meet you. - the lady smiled genuinely happy for him.  
\- Come, come - she urged them to follow her upstairs.  
The inside of that place looked a bit like a building site.  
The stairs were bare, they were not varnished and it actually seemed that someone just had just stripped off the carpet.  
As they were climbing the squeaky steps Cillian turned to her.  
\- It was the white rabbit ‘cos the Mad Hatter is upstairs. - he winked.  
There were paintings and posters along all the staircase some looked as if they had been there for ages other seemed to have just been hanged.  
They were all different, is size, style and subjects; quite an eclectic collection.  
However, after a few steps, a strong pungent smell hit them hard.  
Tauriel knew that smell all too well and it did not bring her happy memories.  
She forced herself to push them away.  
\- _He said to be very open-minded_ \- she had to remind herself.  
It was hard, her best instinct was to leave the place.  
On the first floor, there was a brand new modern, fully fitted kitchen that was in stark contrast with the rest of the place.  
Miko went in and gesture for them to continue.  
\- Go on… you know where he is, right? -  
\- Sure. -  
Tara followed as they walked through a bare room.  
The unpainted walls were stripped of almost all wallpaper and again there were bare floorboards. There was nothing except for the fireplace.  
They ended up in a larger room, that was exactly in the same state as the one before but with some paintings hanged and some stashed in the corners and a nice vintage chesterfield sofa seating on an oriental rag right in the middle of the room.  
Even if the window was open she could see the cloud of smoke finding its way around the large space and slowly seeping through the rest of the house.  
_Be very open -minded_  
If she could, she would have stopped breathing but looking at Kili everything seemed normal.  
Crash was at right at the centre of the cloud, he was its source.  
She could not guess his age… maybe forty-five or fifty… no, he looked older, maybe more.  
His skin looked like old aged leather, a bit wrinkled but still quite tough.  
Short but messy blonde-greyish hair framed his face.  
He was skinny but not unfit, considering his smoking habits.  
Cillian’s friend was wearing a pair of jeans that had definitely seen better days and probably once upon a time they had been quite expensive to buy, brown flip-flops and a shabby red dressing gown.  
His outfit would have clashed on anyone else but he actually suited him perfectly.  
It sort of matched the name.  
\- Little brother. - he gave Kili a strong hug as soon as he saw him.  
He hugged him like a member of the family, a son or … a brother.  
\- We missed you. - his voice was husky, throaty but warm at the same time.  
\- Me too - an earnest smile lit her boyfriend's face.  
\- It’s been a long time. -  
\- Indeed… I should have come to see you before. -  
\- You should have, you know you should… but let me look at you I think you have grown. -  
Kili laugh filled the air.  
\- Miko, don’t you think that the kid has grown? -  
The Chinese lady had brought a tray with some drinks.  
\- But of course, he has! You had not seen him for more than a year …or is it two? -  
\- I honestly don’t know. - Cillian said.  
\- And he is not a kid any more. - she whispered softly to Tauriel.  
Crash then turned his attention to her.  
\- And who have you brought to us here? - he smiled.  
\- Tara, the love of my life. -  
\- Fantastic! If I may introduce myself Little Brother’s Love. I am Crash. Free artist, free spirit and creative mind. - he took her hand and kissed it.  
She did not know quite what to reply to such an introduction, but she had to smile.  
\- Hi, I am Tara. - she said simply.  
Crash leant toward Cillian, still holding her hand.  
\- A real princess, delicate like a porcelain doll, graceful like a flower. You choose well. -  
\- I have chosen the best pearl in the sea. - he replied to his friend looking right into Tauriel eyes.  
\- Indeed. -  
The free artist looked at Kili again and Tara could read a nostalgic note in his gaze.  
\- I truly missed you, you know? -  
\- I know. - he patted him on the back.  
There were definitely some habits of her boyfriend’s friend that she did not approve of, but all in all, he seemed a good person and a good friend.

Crash attention turned then to the bags that they had brought with them.  
\- Show me what you have for me. -  
Cillian took out the paintings one by one for his friend to examine them.  
It was a thorough and professional observation like the best art critic.  
If she might have doubted him before she had to think again.  
Crash sounded like an expert.  
He chose well his words, he was articulated, and he had the right jargon.  
He took all the paintings, Kili did not need to utter a word.  
He only had few questions for the painter and that was it.  
The paintings were really nice, Tara liked them, yet she could not believe it.  
Crash left and came back with a chequebook and there and then he paid for them.  
He offered 5000£ that her boyfriend gladly accepted.  
_Who pays such a sum with a cheque now a day?_  
\- Here we go. - Cillian showed to her the piece of paper.  
\- Not bad for one week of work. - he winked.  
_Maybe I really ended up in Wonderland._  
She was amazed still trying to understand what just happened when her boyfriend turned to Crash.  
\- Is it still there? -  
\- Ah? -  
\- Is it still there? - he asked again.  
\- Oh yes… sure it is! I told you I’ll make sure we keep it. -  
They exchanged a strange look. She did not know quite what to make of it.  
\- Come, I’ll take you somewhere. - Kili told her then.  
\- Little brother, you are not living us so soon? - Miko asked.  
\- Oh no, we still have plenty of time… - he looked pensive then he turned to Crash.  
\- Do you want to come with us? -  
\- Sure. -

Kili loved the bewildered look on his girlfriend's face.  
_Probably now she thinks we have really fallen down the rabbit hole_.  
Looking around at the graffiti drawn walls and at his eccentric friend walking with them he thought  
\- _Maybe we have_.-  
Most of all, he was happy that Tara liked the place and that she did not mind his friend.  
Crash was a good man, not a saint but he had a good heart.  
Many years before when he left Ireland with his brother Crash gave them a place to stay and he welcomed them as if they were his family.  
He never asked any awkward questions he just took them in as they were.  
\- I have good instincts and I tend to follow them. I know good people when I see them, and you two kids are as good as gold. - he had told them.  
Just thinking it about it he realized how many things, how many places and how many people he had shut out of his life since Philip was gone.  
The last time he had seen his friend he was in such bad shape that even Crash got worried.  
He later found out from his father that while he was in the hospital the eccentric artist had come to see him a couple of times but Cillian had been just too unwell to remember.  
_I should not lose touch with the people that matter_.  
He was so caught up in his thoughts when suddenly a loud scream brought him back to reality.  
\- Little broootheeer! -  
Before he could realize who and how a young woman was in his arms.  
She literally had hooked herself to him and there and then her lips were on his.  
His thoughts got jammed. _Tilly... o my God Tilly._  
His body responded to her without him even realizing.  
Then he remembered Tauriel and Crash walking next to him.  
_Ops! Ops! I should have told her about this..._  
\- Oh Lord if I had missed you. - her excitement was contagious.  
\- I missed you too, Tilly. –  
He said detaching the girl from himself.  
_How do I get out of this now?_  
Tilly was exactly as he remembered her.  
_You are like a cartoon character, girl!_  
\- You have not changed a bit! - he still managed to smile.  
The dark hair girl grinned quite pleased.  
Yet, it felt his girlfriend eyes piercing on him.  
But before he could say anything to her or before Tara could react to the girl, because he was more than sure that her reaction was not going to be a peaceful one;  
Crash stopped her.  
\- Oh, oh princess it is not like what you think. Our sweet Tilly is just a friend a bit overwhelming but a friend. - he winked at Tilly.  
\- Oh, oh sorry... sorry. I ... I did not know. - the dark hair girl just realized what happened.  
\- Me and little brother here we are not like... that could never be... I mean I have a girlfriend. -  
_Thank God she said it._  
Kili eyes were searching for some reassurance in his girlfriend ones.  
_Just because of this you cannot possibly think..._  
Yet, he knew what would have happened if the roles would have been reversed and he prayed that Tara remembered what he had told her earlier on  
\- _Be very openminded._ -  
However, before anything could be added someone else called his attention.  
\- Hey! Who do you think you are, kissing my girl? -  
He knew that voice all too well, he just had the time to turn to her that he felt another pair of lips on his.  
_This is really not going well! Why on Earth I have not thought about this before_!  
Poor Kili just wanted to disappear.  
_I should have come here alone_.  
\- Shaaanaaade. - Tilly shouted.  
\- What? Are you jealous of him? - the new arrival replied dryly.  
\- Little brother has a girlfriend! - she eyed the ginger girl next to Crash.  
\- I am sorry... I did not know. -  
\- Clearly not. - Tauriel voice was like ice.  
_I definitely need some help._  
\- I can explain my love... - he felt so wrong, but he could not find anything else to say.  
_Damn it! Why these things always happen to me?_  
\- I am sure. - there was no sympathy in her voice.  
Then Shanade pulled Tilly closer.  
\- This is my girlfriend. - she leant on her for a passionate kiss.  
\- and this is how I kiss her. Please see the difference. -  
\- Wow. - Cillian could not help himself and Tara eyes felt like two daggers on him.  
\- I told you I am sorry.  
I didn't know you are his girlfriend, but I have not seen my dear friend in more than a year and this is how I like to great him. - she was very straightforward.  
\- I know this guy since he was almost still a child, we’ve got drunk together, we’ve share troubles, happiness, home and beds. -  
Kili went a bit pale _should not have said that_.  
\- Like I have told once to his dear brother, I will not touch a hair of him. So, you have nothing to worry. -  
The two girls were practically facing each other, and Crash pulled his friend back.  
\- Let them talk - he whispered.  
\- If they can talk. - Cillian was still worried.  
\- If you want to be jealous you can but it will not do any good to you. - Tilly's girlfriend added.  
Tauriel looked at the girl almost weighing her.  
\- Fine. – she finally said.  
The tension seemed to ease a bit and Kili drew a deep breath.

 _Be very openminded._  
The word took a whole new meaning while they were walking down Brick Lane.  
_Be very openminded._  
Tara kept on repeating to herself, but he was quite hard when she saw two girls walking straight to Cillian and practically snogging him in the street.  
_Who are they? Who do they think they are?_  
Suddenly animus thoughts that she never knew she could have filled her head.  
_Get your hands of him._  
 Such jealousy that she thought was foreign to her filled her mind.  
However, more than anything she was looking for an explanation.  
The two girls looked and dressed as if they just came out of a comic book...  
... as if they just jumped out from one of the best of Japanese cartoons.  
They were very pretty and that was probably what had sparked her jealousy.  
Tilly was dressed all in black with a micro skirt and high boots.  
She had extremely long dark silky hair tied up in a high ponytail.  
The girl was very skinny with a complexion that was probably whiter than her own...  
or maybe it was the dark goth make up that made her look even paler.  
Shanade dark skin tone was a deep contrast to her girlfriend one.  
She had warm chocolate brown eyes and her short hair had been dyed with strong peroxide blond.  
Her makeup sort of matched the one of her partner’s one but it was slightly softer.  
Apart from the makeup she had a rather boyish look, she was wearing a simple white t-shirt, grey trousers and trainers.  
Tauriel did not think for a second that Kili loved her any less or that he would prefer the girls to her.  
She knew him... yet she could not help her reaction.  
Most of all she needed an explanation.  
However, she was so upset at the beginning that nothing of what her boyfriend and his friend were saying reached her mind.  
\- _Get off him_ \- was the screaming thought in her head.  
Yet, she knew better than to start shouting at all of them.  
Her brain was thinking strategically about how to respond to the two 'villains'.  
Then Shanade spoke to defend her position and as much as she did not like her she had to appreciate the fact that the girl was quite straightforward.  
She did not quite apologized, she rather defended her and Tilly position, but her tone was earnest, and Tara believed what she said.  
\- You have a lot to tell me - she turned to her boyfriend somehow a bit friendlier and when she met his guilty eyes she felt even a bit sorry for him.

As they walked to a place called Nomadic Gardens, Crash, the girls and Cillian told her how they had ended up meeting each other.  
When he was 16 he left Ireland with his brother without his mother's knowledge.  
Kili was still a minor and under his mother guardianship but Fili was already 19 so he took him to London and then to France to live with their father.  
Philip had already met Crash a year before when he had gone to London on his own for a week, leaving his young brother behind as his mother did not allow him to follow.  
Crash absolutely adored Cillian's brother, they just clicked, became good friends, and they kept in touch ever since.  
\- He his such a deep, reach soul. I love our chats. - the eccentric artist told her - and I love his work. -  
They spent a week in the capital before leaving for France.  
They had no access to the house in Greenwich and no place to go, so Crash took them in.  
He also introduced them to all his friends.  
Some of them actually already knew Philip from his previous visit.  
The girls, Shanade and Tilly practically 'fell in love' with young Kili.   
\- He was such a doll! All wide eyes looking at World for the first time, ready for anything. - Tilly told her and that made her smile.  
\- I wasn’t. - he protested.  
\- Shut up, you were! - Shanade laughed.  
\- So cute. - the dark hair girl said almost as if talking about a cuddly toy.  
\- They took him as their ‘pet’... and he gladly followed. - Crash added.  
\- Oh please! - he rolled his eyes.  
_This is getting embarrassing._  
\- Are you telling me that you did not like it? - Shanade turned to Cillian.  
\- I loved it here. I still do but I am not a pet. - he pouted.  
\- See! Here he does it. - Tilly grabbed his chin - No, don't worry. I am not going to kiss him. -  
She winked at Tara.  
\- His brother let us babysit him. - Shanade explained.  
\- I never needed a babysitter. -  
\- No, you needed two. - her rich laugh filled the air once more.  
The girls were actually older than the brothers.  
Tauriel mood had started to ease quickly. Clearly, the girls meant no harm.  
In truth, they were quite weird but so was Crash and so was everything around them.  
_Not weird ... a little strange maybe..._  
Crashed told her how he had spent a day with Philip looking after their ‘own business’ as he put it and came back late at night to the girl's home to find Cillian peacefully sleeping right in the middle of the two partners.  
\- They looked like a weird dysfunctional family. - he had told Fili. - I think they would gladly adopt him if you ask them. -  
\- No, I am not prepared to part from him - his friend replied  
\- But God if my mother sees this, I think she won't let him leave home from the next millennium... probably both of us actually.  
She would kill me for this, I am supposed to keep an eye on him. -  
\- No worries... they will take both of you in. - Crash had laughed.  
Tauriel felt a sad undertone in his stories about the boys.  
Probably he missed his friend as much as anyone else.

As they walked along more people recognized her boyfriend and came to greet him.  
Their little group had grown by the time they turned into a small path way that led to their destination.  
The pathway down to the gardens was absolutely covered in graffiti.  
On each side of the railway bridge, there was no one inch left untouched.

Nomadic Gardens was a rare and amazing gem, just off Brick Lane.  
The garden sat between railway lines and it used to be a wasteland that the local community had turned into an extraordinary gathering place.  
There was astonishing street art casually dotted everywhere.  
Stunning artworks from sculptures, to wall paintings and other ornaments, made the place look like the best open-air gallery in the world.  
There was also a cafe, a theatre and allotments, everything was there.  
Furthermore, it seemed that the people there had taken the concept of recycling to a whole new level.  
Old pallets, old doors and sofas had been given a new purpose; any material, anything unwanted had been reused.  
Despite the fact that the scent of the place was the same as in Crash’s house, she loved it, and everyone was really welcoming.

They ended up in front of one of the railway walls after their little tour of the gardens.  
A large wooden panel with a massive piece of street art was covering it.  
Some of the guys that were with them helped to remove it and behind it was Kili’s surprise.  
A big graffiti covered a large area of the wall.  
Tara was simply lost for words.  
Bright colours of and very contrasting dark ones fit perfectly complementing each other.  
Shapes, forms nature and fantasy everything was there.  
Words of poetry dotted here and there capture the eyes.  
Most importantly as soon as she laid eyes on it she knew that was not just Cillian’s work.  
That what was why it was so important. It was Fili and Kili’s work.  
One unique piece, two totally different and contrasting styles that did not clash but fitted together like two different pieces of the same puzzle.  
That was exactly them.  
The two styles were so entwined that nobody could take a single part of the whole mural and say this one artist, or this is the other.  
On one corner at the bottom, there was their tag.  
It read as one work all together bigbrotherlittlebrother and then she understood.  
_Little brother… Little brother…_  
\- Do you like it? -  
She nodded.  
\- But it is not finished… yet. We had no time to complete it as we wanted. -  
\- It’s perfect. -  
He loved the way her eyes were taken by the graffiti.  
_You look so out of this word… this is nothing compared to you_.  
He could have stayed there looking at her looking at his work forever.  
\- When… when have you made it? -  
\- About 4 years ago. We came down from Scotland, we spent a week here then we went to France and we were meant to finish it before we went back to Uni. -  
He said flatly almost all in one go.  
She just took his hand and squeezed it while she was still looking at the wall.  
Crash did not miss that, and he smiled sweetly.  
\- And it has been covered since then? -  
\- Pretty much yes. - someone said, and everyone nodded.  
Tara would have stayed glued there if Crash did not shake them out of that moment.  
\- Let’s put up this one again… and I’ll take you for lunch kids. -  
\- Well, we wanted to have curry. - Kili said not too convinced.  
\- Then I’ll take you for a curry. -  
\- Nooo. - Tiny shouted. - We’ll cook you a curry. -  
Cillian looked at her is disbelief.  
\- Yeah, you came here after so long and you think that we will let you get away so quickly - Shanade grimaced.  
\- No way. - her girlfriend added.  
\- I… I mean we… -  
He looked at Tara, but she was still looking at the graffiti.  
\- Come on. - someone else said.  
He gently caressed her hair.  
\- What do you say? -  
\- I think we cannot say no. -  
\- Well done. - Tiny took her hand and making Tauriel follow her.

They went back to Nomadic Gardens were in no time everyone was served with a good portion of rice with vegetable curry.  
Tara was not quite sure how the food had appeared and who had cooked it but is was delicious.  
_This place is really Wonderland_.  
More people kept on coming and with them, more food arrived.  
Someone lit a fire, there and then ‘in the middle of everything’ and then some people moved a couple old sofas and chairs around it.  
It became sort of a welcome back party.  
No one asked about ‘big brother’ as they knew that if it was not there that meant that there was no news of him, yet.  
Kili was cheerfully talking to everyone and introducing her to all his street artist friends.  
She was glad to see him so relaxed, every smile felt like a gift for her heart.  
\- Thank you. – Crash approached her with a bottle in one hand and the unmissable roll-up in the other.  
\- I am sorry? -  
\- You made him happy again. -  
\- I… -  
\- As much as I hope my dear friend comes back from wherever he is hiding.  
I think right now all his little brother needs is you, princess. Last time he was here he was not good, and I mean not good at all…  
he got me worried, but now you brought him back some joy. -  
And they went on to have a very good long chat.

The happy gathering continued till the early hours.  
Tilly and Shanade insisted for them to stay and as Tauriel had a late start the following day they accepted.  
\- No worries we won’t ask you to share our bed. – Shanade clarified.  
\- I thought that was the trend. – Crash chuckled.  
\- I wished. – Tilly sighed.  
\- Listen you keep to your girlfriend and I keep to mine. – Kili replied and they all laughed.  
The girls offered them their bed and slept on the sofa.  
They woke up early, but their friends did not let them leave without a good breakfast.  
\- He always had a very healthy appetite. – the skinny dark-haired girl told Tara while her boyfriend was more than gladly enjoying the morning meal.  
\- I know. – she smiled.  
  
The same day in the late afternoon, while she was still at work, Tara got a text from Cillian.  
\- Going out shopping. Back before dinner. -  
\- What are you shopping for? – she texted back.  
But she got no reply and when she got home the place was empty.  
She was about to call him when he opened the door.  
\- My love, come to see what I got us. – he sounded so excited.  
She walked with him out the front door and just outside the gate was parked Kili’s latest purchase.  
It was a dark blue Mini Cooper.  
Tara was stunned.  
\- It is second hand, only 3 years old; the mileage is low. And it cost me only 1500£. -  
She was speechless.  
\- Oh, and you should see the interiors. I think it was a real bargain! -  
\- Who did you con to get this? -  
He rolled his eyes.  
\- I did not con any one. - he protested.  
She looked at him with a very sceptical face.  
\- I bet it was a woman. -   
He looked at her in disbelief.  
\- Yes, it was a lady that sold me the car - he snorted - but I did not con her. -  
Tauriel smiled.  
\- Still, I am not too sure… -  
The same evening, they booked their tickets to France.  
The first available ferry was in 3 days.  
That gave Cillian the time for yet one more surprise.  
The day before they were due to leave he took Tara to see her father.  
She called him often, but she had not seen him since Christmas.  
He actually managed to convince her sisters to allow them to take him out for the day.  
They took Tauriel’s dad to Greenwich to visit the area where they lived and to see their home.  
The old man truly enjoyed the time he spent with them.  
He was so pleased and proud.  
Mostly he was glad that his beloved daughter had found a really good person to take care of her and to share her life with.  
Kili loved to see the happiness in their eyes.  
\- My dad absolutely adores you. – Tara told him once they had taken her father back.  
\- Do you blame him? I AM adorable. – his eyes had a cheeky glint.  
\- Yes ‘pet’, you are. – she teased him but then she quickly leant and kissed him.  
\- I can be your adorable pet any time. – he smiled absolutely mesmerized.

The following morning they were all set to leave. A fine drizzle covered everything.  
For the first time in a long time, Tauriel felt like she was really leaving home.  
While turning they keys to lock the door she wondered when she was going to be back.  
_After all, home is where Kili is._  
Her boyfriend was right behind her, he pulled her hood up when she turned.  
- Everything's alright? -  
\- Yes, I am ready. -  
\- Let’s go then. -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and as usual please don't forget to comment.  
> I really hope you enjoyed it!


	8. You leave to remain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This a bitter sweet chapter, more bitter than sweet.  
> A bit of Fili and a bit of Kili ... however poor Fili situation is really bad, so this time I used Kili and Tauriel to bring some fun... sort of a relief from his brother situation.  
> Finally and sadly you will know the full extent of Fili's problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive me for what happens to Fili. I promise everything will be fine in the end.  
> Sadly I probably won't be able to post anything in November. I have two important projects coming up and as much as I love to write this story I really need to try hard to push it aside for a while.  
> I am sorry to leave you with this cliff-hanger all I can tell you is that on the next chapter Kili will finally begin to know what happened to his brother, yet he will not know for sure that he is alive.

Give me your worst day  
Give it to me  
I’ll take the strain  
Give me all the times you go insane  
Your leave to remain  
\- Leave to remain -

================================  
  
The spring was soon going to turn into summer.  
Time was passing so quickly that she almost did not even feel it.  
_Before I know it will be three years_.  
The pain of the people Frida lost was constantly there, hiding at times but always lingering.  
It had taken her all entirely and she did not even realize it.  
She had tried to be strong, to continue with her life as normal.  
However, most of the time, she was not really living but just surviving.  
Life was to her as the rain on the glass of the window, it slid down.  
She had become 'water-proof' to joy and happiness.  
Everyone that knew her, could see the difference.  
The young nurse was not less dedicated to her job, on the contrary, she was working even harder;  
putting the same effort in everything she did for any of her patients, but her sparkle was gone.

When all hope was lost.  
She tried to let go, to banish Fili in the further corner of her mind.  
Especially after her mother died. She had to focus more on her family.  
Her younger brother and sister struggling with grief and her poor father.  
Yet it did not work. She could not stop thinking about him.  
Every moment they spent together, every word was forever committed to her memory.  
Fili would not have been able to magically erase her pain, only time could, she knew that much.  
Yet, she was sure that if he would have been there, he would have known what to say to alleviate the ache she felt in her heart.  
Just talking to him would have made her feel better.  
_Fili understood everything_.  
All was left of him were a few pictures she had on her mobile and his personal effects;  
the postcards that he had stuck on the wall behind his bed and the art books she had bought for him.  
They had not allowed him to take a single thing. Everything had been left behind.  
At times, when she could between her work, her studies, taking care of her family and the home chores, she looked at what had been left of the guy that took her heart and sadly indulged herself in those memories that would never leave her.  
She knew where each postcard came from and why he liked them.  
Fili preferred tea to coffee, he preferred savoury to sweet, but he loved hot chocolate.  
She knew his favourite TV show, his favourite movie...  
he had always all the answer to the crosswords, he loved art...  
so many little things that made him.  
All of that she learnt spending every day with him… but he was gone.  
Fili was clever he knew so many things, he did not know how but he did.  
Yet, sadly he could not remember his own proper name.  
_If he only knew who he was…_  
They forcedly removed him from her life, but she could not simply remove him from her heart.  
His sweet warm smile, his eyes blue like a clear sky, were there every time she closed her eyes.  
Frida could do nothing to bring back her mother, but Fili was alive… yet...  
... she felt so angry and so powerless about the whole situation.

OOOOOOOOOO

They left the home in Greenwich on a greyish morning in the middle of May.  
Tara had made one request before they started heading for the port.  
\- I need to go somewhere before we leave if you don't mind. It won't take long I promise. -  
she sighed.  
\- Is everything ok? Where would you me to take you? -  
\- Fine. - she took the Sat Nav and typed in the postcode.  
\- I am sorry to disrupt your route. -  
\- No worries. - his eyes were searching her for answers until he looked again at the display.  
It said West Norwood Cemetery. He understood immediately.  
_I should have thought about it._  
Yet, how could he have asked about something like that?  
Tara had mentioned her mum at times and he had never asked much as he knew how much it hurt her.  
He had always thought that when she wanted she was going to talk to him.  
It was a silent drive until they stop in front of the cemetery.  
He had gone to the cemetery sometimes with his grandma in Ireland to visit his grandad's grave when he was a kid but that was it.  
Kili did not know quite how to behave, he felt terribly uneasy.  
Cemetery, grave, death... it just meant pain.  
Almost automatically he sent away any memory that was trying to surface.  
\- Would you want me to come with you? - he asked politely.  
Tauriel understood immediately is awkwardness.  
\- If you don't mind. -  
\- Of course not. -  
Before she could add anything he was buying flowers at a small florist stand by the entrance.  
They walked for less than 5 minutes to Tara's mum grave.  
\- Should come here more often - she sighed.  
Poor Kili wanted to help but he felt desperately out of place there.  
She knew so she sent him to get some water while she quickly cleaned the overgrown weeds.  
When he came back she placed the flowers in a vase and spent a few minutes there in silence.  
Her boyfriend was right behind her and when she turned he whispered to her - I am sorry. -  
\- That's ok. Thanks for taking me here. -  
\- Just tell me whenever ... I will take you. -  
She smiled sweetly, and they went back to the car to continue their journey.

Cillian had the music on for the entire time. Sometimes it was louder, at times softer and sometimes he was singing and others he was chatting with Tara.  
They stopped a couple of times once for fuel and then when Kili wanted some food.  
His beloved princess had everything ready for him.  
\- I cannot believe it. - he did not look too impressed.  
\- I have prepared some sandwiches and some cakes. We also have crisps and fruits and some other things that I cannot remember. –  
She grabbed a bag from the back seat.  
\- We are so lucky. – his tone was mocking.  
She rolled her eyes.  
\- Please, please don't tell me that you have a flask with coffee as well. -  
\- Don't do that face. We need to be careful with money. -  
\- Oh God! You have a flask of coffee. -  
\- No, you can go and get your coffee. It is within the budget. – she snorted.  
\- Wow! That's a relief. Not even my mum would prepare sandwiches to take with us. -  
\- You can thank me later. – she gave him a teasing smile  
\- I'll get you a tea. - he said running to the coffee shop.

There was no traffic and the ferry was on time so the following morning they woke up while the ship was reaching the French coast.  
It was a bright sunny day, all the clouds had disappeared.  
The only problem was that Cillian's latest purchase had started to give them some troubles.  
The car got them to France and to his father’s house, but it seemed that probably they were going to need some other form of transport to move around.  
\- Damn it, so much for a bargain! I think I am the one that got conned. -  
\- Well, at least we got here. – she tried to look at the positive side.  
\- True. – he snorted.

Mireille had laid out on the table a lovely breakfast just waiting for them.  
\- I know what my boy needs. – she winked at Tara.  
He hugged her sweetly and kissed her on the cheek.  
\- You do. -  
She then went to hug Tauriel.  
– I am so happy to see you again. This place is your home too, you know. -  
He loved to see the happiness in her eyes.  
_You need a warm family around you princess of my heart_.

While Cillian was happily occupied with his breakfast Mireille filled them in with the news.  
Kili’s father was working at the furnace and he was in a creative mood, so it was better to leave him alone.  
Parts of the roof was leaking so probably Veon was going to ask his son to help him fix it in the next few days. Cillian did not look so happy at the news.  
There was a market at the end of the week and Mireille had managed to get a stall, so she invited them to come along with her if they wanted to.  
The French lady talked mainly in English but she and her stepson exchanged a couple of sentences in French and Tara was more than impressed.  
Her boyfriend noticed it.  
\- She can teach you to speak French if you want to. -  
He went quickly upstairs.  
\- In the meanwhile, I’ll go surfing… you can come as well if you want to.  
We can take care of the luggage later on. - he said getting back downstairs.  
She shook her head.  
Cillian spent most of the day happily riding the waves.  
While Tara set on the beach looking at him from far and enjoying the surroundings.

They had a late lunch and spent some time lazing on the beach.  
\- You know I had dreamed to take you to this beach… and now you are here with me. -  
He kissed her sweetly. _I feel I am in Heaven next to you_.  
\- This place is like a postcard. - she said after a while.  
\- I know. – he smiled just happy to be there with her.

Kili’s father worked all day and he joined them for dinner.  
Veon was really happy that to see them.  
He was in a mood for celebration and he brought to the table a bottle of wine and a couple of beers.  
\- To go with the food. – he told them.  
Cillian’s father was like his son he loved to tell stories and Tauriel was curious to listen.

He began to talk about the first time he took his boys to meet his ‘lady’.  
\- My poor Mireille thought I had two demented sons. -  
Cillian shot him a killer look. The French lady smiled.  
\- One that just sat quietly looking at me working at the furnace without saying a word and the other that was just capable to shout NO at any question asked. -  
\- Ah, Dad! You are exaggerating. - his son complained.  
\- Both of them did not talk to her at all. – he ignored him.  
\- Only for the first week. -  
\- Oh yeah, only for the first-week 'cos on the second one you freed the chickens. - he laughed.  
\- They freed the chickens? - Tara's eyes widen in surprise.  
_I should be used to this by now_.  
\- No, your boyfriend freed the chickens and his brother merely tried to explain to me that it was all quite normal. -  
\- It was the first time I had seen Veon so upset. - Mireille laughed.  
\- You freed the chickens? - Tauriel turned to Kili.  
\- It's all totally explainable. -  
\- Oh yeah? - his father laughed.  
\- No worries my son can always find a way to explain all his actions. – he added finishing his glass.  
\- That’s sound very interesting… - she trailed off.  
\- Do you want me to tell you? -  
\- No! – her boyfriend answer.  
\- What did I tell you? He is still so good at saying no. – he mocked his son.  
\- Please tell me. –  
\- So… on their second week here with us, on a bright sunny afternoon.  
Your dear boyfriend, out of the blue, went and opened the door of the hen-house and kicked every single one of them out.  
I tell you, once we saw the chickens running around, Mireille and I could not believe it.  
We all run there and all he got to say was "I let them out, so they are free ".  
I was livid, his brother looked at him and then he turned to me "Sorry Dad, please don’t be upset with Ki.  
He thought you imprisoned the chickens that's why he free them. He did not want to upset anyone." all calmly like it was the most logical explanation.  
If Mireille had doubts about them being demented during the first week definitely she was sure on the second one. -  
\- Honestly! - Cillian snorted. - I was ten. -  
\- I was lucky that she did not think that you were possessed! -  
Mireille and Tara could not stop laughing.  
\- I could not be called accountable for my actions when I was ten. -  
\- Well, you don’t want to be accountable for your actions even now, if it is for that. -  
\- Come on dad! -  
\- What happened then... I mean with the chickens? – Tara asked.  
\- We spent the afternoon chasing them back in hen-house. -  
\- It was a fun afternoon. We had to catch them all one by one. - the French lady smiled warmly remembering that warm summer day.  
The kids running everywhere chasing all the feathered animals, giggling and laughing, that day they started to talk to her.  
Philip apologized to her and then he got his little brother to do the same.  
They looked so sweet.  
\- We still got punished. - Kili complained.  
\- Oh poor you. – his father mocked him.  
\- We had to help with the chores for the remaining week. -  
\- You are lucky I could not find anything better. -  
\- No worries dad I think you got more creative as time passed. - he snorted.  
\- Oh yes definitely, you two reality tested my creativity and patience. -  
Veon turned to Tauriel - Because you see he did not just free the chickens every day they were up to something...-  
\- Really? -  
Kili shook his head but that did not stop his father.  
It was a good evening full of funny tales.  
\- Here we go. - her prince told her at the end of the day.  
\- What my mum hasn't told you when we were in Ireland, now you heard it from my dad. - he laughed.  
– So, I guess my childhood has been fully covered. -  
\- I like their stories... I mean your stories... they always make me smile. -  
That night Mireille sat out on the shore until late, thinking about old memories.  
The boys filling the house with noise and laughter. All their silly mischiefs. She had seen them grow up.  
She had got used to them and she began to miss them when they were not there, even more than Veon maybe.  
Like everyone else, she had not seen Philip for nearly four years.  
That evening she looked at the stars for answers.  
Looking at the depts of the night once more she knew that soon something was going to change.

OOOOOOOOOO

At times Freda thought about her visits to Fili.

Two months after they took him, she and Eloise had managed to get the permission to see him.  
It had been difficult as they were not his next of kin or in any way related to him.  
After all, they were only his nurses.  
It had been a long journey. Her mother was so unwell, but she was able to go.  
The place where they had taken him was daunting.  
A greyish building with bars at every single window.  
He looked more like a prison than a hospital.  
_How is it possible that anyone with a mental problem is going to get better in here?_  
She worried, they both did.  
At the facility, the ladies were made to wait for 1 hour in the visitors' room before they brought him.  
Like everyone else around he had a white uniform.  
_My poor darling they made you a prisoner_.  
She could not cry. Not in front of him.  
His hair had been cut very short.  
When he saw them his face lit up. Yet his steps were slow.  
He did not hurry to meet them, nor he hugged them. He just sat at the table.  
So much had changed in only two months.  
His eyes moved from her to Eloise, his gaze telling them what he could not.  
\- Sorry, I can't... - trailed off - They don’t like it. They might take me back. -  
\- What? - Eloise was already upset.  
But Freda put her hand on hers. _Please_.  
\- I am so happy to see you. You just don't know how much. - he smiled.  
\- Have you really thought that we were going to abandon you here? - the middle age nurse asked.  
\- Never. - he was still smiling.  
She smiled back at him and yet his change was obvious.  
_My poor boy, what are they doing to you in this place?_  
Fili had clearly lost weight but that was not the most disturbing thing.  
His body seemed restless, his eyes were darting around unable to set on anything for too long.  
His hands and his legs were moving constantly sort of twitching.  
His head was jerking with every noise he heard.  
He could not sit still for long almost as if any position was uncomfortable to him.  
Seeing the look on their faces he knew.  
It, unfortunately, became clear to him just how much that place had affected him.  
\- I tried not to take the medication, here. It's not the same as in your hospital. – he tried to explain.  
_Of course, it is not the same. This is a mental institution_. - Eloise was ready to explode but she knew better, and she tried to calm herself.  
\- They found out... - something in his eyes told them that he got into troubles about it and what kind of trouble they could only imagine.  
\- ...s-so now I have to take it. -  
Freda could not bring herself to say a word.  
\- The medication is doing this to you. - it was not a question.  
Eloise had just said what he did not want to elaborate, but he nodded anyway.  
\- What are they giving to you? Do you know? -  
He just shook his head. He did not want to talk about it.  
Fili clearly did not want them to know what went on in that place.  
\- I miss you. - he had turned to Frida.  
She struggled to hold his gaze. _Why?_  
She could have never imagined that the situation was going to be like that.  
\- I miss you too. - she replied but she could not hug him.  
She so longed to be in his arms.  
\- We are doing our best to get you out of here. Don't worry. It's just taking us a little longer. -  
\- I am patient. -  
Eloise could not tell him that aside from the bureaucracy, now the father of her son was against her decision to take him in, at home with her, to be his guardian.  
To him he was just a total stranger.  
An outsider he knew nothing off, on top of it someone classified as mentally unstable.  
The man was no longer leaving with her, but he had all right to 'protect' his son.  
It was not going to be easy.  
_How long can you last here without going crazy yourself?_  
They sent the rest of their visit talking about his time at the hospital where they were working.  
Clearly, their friend did not want to talk about his present situation.  
He rather enjoyed remembering happier times.  
Fili also asked about some other patients he knew, and the conversation went on for a while.  
Freda was glad that her colleague was with her. She was too upset to talk.  
Sadly she knew he was aware of it.  
\- I am sorry. -  
\- You have nothing to be sorry. I wish… we will find a solution. -  
He nodded but his troubled eyes told them everything he could not say.  
The sky was no longer clear. It was stormy, too many thoughts were left untold.  
When their time was over a nurse came to pick him up.  
\- Come on Nick. -  
He promptly answered to the name. He stood up to quickly to follow her.  
\- I know I am not a Nick. – he turned around to whisper to them as he was leaving.  
_Yes, but for how long._  
Once they left and they were back to the car Freda burst into tears.  
She could not control herself a sobbed for a long while.  
Her mum illness and Fili's situation, it was all just too much to take.  
Eloise put a hand on her shoulder and let her cry.  
\- We will get him out of there. – she promised earnestly.  
_Will we really?_  
But the young girl was not so optimistic.

The second time they had managed to see him another 3 months had passed.  
Fili had been in his ‘new home’ for 5 months already.  
The second time it was the one that hurt Freda the most.  
Freda mother had passed away two months before.  
She was dreading that visit and yet she desperately needed to see him.  
_I won't abandon you.  
_  
Fili was drowsy. He felt so far away.  
A nurse had to accompany him right to their table.  
He smiled when he realized that they were there waiting for him but there was no sparkle in his eyes.  
Someone had switched off his light.  
_What happened to you my poor sweet Fili?_  
_What have they done to you?_  
\- You came to see me... you came again. -  
\- Hey, I've told you we are not abandoning you. – Eloise was quick to answer, and she tried to put all her enthusiasm in her words.  
She tried to make the situation seem normal, but it was really hard.  
It was so painful to see her friend like that.  
\- Freda. - he gave her such a nostalgic look.  
\- Fili. – she said in a whisper.  
She wanted to hug him so much.  
Then he said sadly - You don't even remember me. -  
\- But I do. – _I do remember you Fili. I cannot forget you_.  
\- I came to see you. I am here. -  
He shook his head.  
\- No, you don’t know who I am… You don’t. -  
Eloise touch her hand seeing the eyes of the girl were filling up with tears.  
\- Leave it. – she whispered.  
An awkward silence descended between them.  
One of the patients in the room started screaming and the nurse came in promptly to take him away.  
\- Shouldn’t have done it. – Fili whispered.  
\- What’s wrong? Why did you say that? – Eloise could not stop herself from asking.  
\- I am fine. I said nothing. – frustration marked his words and he almost looked upset.  
His eyes escaped both their gazes.  
His friend was worried about him, but she was even more worried about Frida.  
She could see the tears in her eyes.  
\- The weather is getting milder. The journey was not too bad. –  
she said out of the blue as she needed to take the attention off the girl. It was already getting too much from her.  
\- Did you drive for long? – Suddenly Fili seemed to engage in the conversation and they talk for a little while about nothing important but at least it was a coherent chat.  
Freda remained silent looking at him yet unable to speak.  
As painful as it was to admit it, he was worst that when she met him the first time when they moved him to her ward.  
He was definitely ‘regressing’.  
\- Freda, show him the postcards. – Eloise pulled her suddenly in the conversation.  
\- Yes, let me get them. – she said taking out Fili’s old postcards from her bag.  
He was genuinely happy to see them.  
He could remember all of them, it was not much but it was a positive sign.  
\- They won’t let me keep them. -  
\- Why not? -  
\- ‘Cos they are mean in here. – his tone was upset, and he shook his head.  
Eloise's face grew more concerned and the two ladies exchange a glance.  
\- Don’t mind me – he added maybe noticing their faces.  
He then started to gaze out of the window and he zoned out of the conversation completely and there was no way to bring him back.  
\- What shall we do? – there was fear in her voice.  
Her friend was upset but she had no answer.  
She knew that whatever they decided to do they might end up no seen him again.  
Suddenly he called for Eloise attention.  
\- Is my brother coming? Do you know when he is coming? -  
Freda looked at him terrified by what he had just asked, but Eloise kept her cool even if that question hurt her.  
\- Soon. – her eyes were full of concern.  
\- And don’t you worry we will get you out of here soon. -  
\- I know, I know. – his gaze moved to the window again.  
\- I hate those bars. -  
Freda sighed. There was only so much she could take.  
\- Please... sorry excuse me for a second. – she stood up and went quickly to the toilet.  
\- What happened to Frida? – he asked while she was not there.  
He had noticed, despite everything.  
_You do love her boy...but you are getting lost more and more..._  
\- Her mum is not doing well but please don’t mention it when she is back. –  
He had a sad look in his eyes, but he could not elaborate much.  
\- I won’t. -  
Then he looked straight at her.  
\- Will I see you two again? –  
She sighed.  
\- But of course, you will. – she was not sure he believed her.  
Once Freda was back the three of them chatted for a while but may times Fili was not there.  
He zoned out, his attention was just not there, they could clearly see it on his face.  
It was obvious that he struggled to concentrate too long on anything.  
\- Are you ok Fili? - they asked a couple of times.  
\- Yeah, my head is just getting tired, sorry. - he replied the first time.  
The second time he just nodded.  
Eloise remembered how frustrated with himself he used to get at the beginning when had woken up months after his operation.  
He got frustrated because he knew he wanted to get better.  
Sadly, it seemed that that time around he had accepted his condition, or he had no will to fight it.  
\- My brain is slow. - he told them.  
_Who told you that? ...It_ _doesn’t sound like you_

When he was time to live he hugged them ignoring completely the nurse that was impatiently waiting to take him away.  
\- Please get me out of here. – he whispered before he left.  
That broke poor Frida’s heart.  
In the car, she was silent for most of the journey.  
\- I have no tears left to cry. – she said out loud.  
That was the last time they had seen him.  
After that, they made many attempts, but they were never allowed to see him again.  
Eloise had been unable to obtain his custody and so Fili remained locked in the mental facility.  
  
OOOOOOOOOOO  
  
Their first days in France were very busy.  
Kili and his father spent the days following their arrival fixing the roof while Tauriel helped Mireille in with the vegetables' garden and with the house chores.  
It took them two days to repair the leak on the roof.  
Then they all helped in the vegetable garden.  
Tara loved to work outdoors but at the end of each day she was exhausted so was her boyfriend.  
They both fell asleep without even realizing it most evenings.

In the large barn behind the house, on top of the art studios, there were two studio flats.  
They had always been left bare as Veon had meant them to be for his sons once they grew up but never got around to finished them and the boys had been always happy to share their small room so there had never been a real hurry to complete them.  
When Cillian told him that they were coming and that they planned to stay at least a month he decided to finish one of them to have it ready for his son and his girlfriend.  
So, on their arrival day. Mireille had shown them the new studio.  
The climbed the narrow steep stairs to the first floor to arrive in a spacious and bright open plan with high ceiling and a wooden floor.  
Everything had been painted white except for the rustic wooden beams that were holding the roof.  
Two large windows on each side brought in all the light, from one they could see the stone house and the sea as far as the horizon, while the other was looking at the countryside and the main road in the distance.  
One wall was taken by a modern white fully equipped kitchenette and right opposite there was a large double bed.  
In the large space that was left, there was a small wooden table and a little sofa. It had everything there was even a TV hanged on one of the walls.  
Some bright pictures had been skilfully hanged on walls to bring in some colourful accents.  
There was even a door tactfully tacked away in a corner that connected their studio to the one next to it.  
They were both lost for words.  
_Thanks, dad._  
\- Your dad is fantastic. - Tara said finally.  
\- He is. - took a deep breath. - And I have been such an idiot with him at times. -  
He felt quite guilty but I knew he was going to make it up to him.  
_I'll found Fili for you as well dad._

After some days of hard work, they finally managed to get a break when they went with Mireille to the market.  
They had never forgotten the reason behind their trip they just got a little sidetracked.  
However the market in St. Malo was a good opportunity to start their search.  
Veon was busy with his craft and he had asked them to help the French lady.  
That was actually ideal for his son as clearly, he did not want his father to know about it.  
They took Mireille to the market and helped her to unpack and then they left to go to the port that was less than 10 minutes away.  
To Tauriel surprise her boyfriend had come well prepared.   
He had a small pile of flyers in his rucksack with Fili photo on them and then in capital letters: Missing - Disparu  
His mobile number was at the bottom.  
They went to the ticket office at the port.  
Kili talked to them for a while all in French while Tara stood next to him more than impressed but yet unable to understand.  
Two guards came over and he chatted to them as well and left a couple of flyers.  
Then he turned to her - Let's go. -  
\- What have they say? -  
\- Well, the usual.  
It happened a long time ago and they cannot remember maybe they were not even working that day but they will check with their other colleagues and let me know. -  
He sighed.  
_Is this really a lost battle?_  
When they got back to the stall Mireille was busy, she was selling vegetable, eggs, homemade jam, cookies and she even put a paper out for Tarot Reading.  
Cillian had frowned at that. - Really? -  
The French woman had rolled her eyes - Really? -  
\- Come on! 10 Euros? -  
\- I am a professional. -  
\- Honestly, who would pay 10 Euros for that? -  
She was busy and she had no time for nonsense.  
\- Oh, stop complaining and start helping... or I turn you into a toad. -  
Tara burst into laughter.  
\- Pity you already have the princess here ready to kiss you and bring you back. -  
She winked to his girlfriend.  
For a couple of hours, they worked non stop.  
They sold all the eggs and the vegetable and had only a few cookies left and some jam.  
\- Keep on smiling kids were are selling everything. - Kili's step mum was so happy.  
As it quited down Cillian put some of the flyers on the stall table and he stuck one of then at the front.  
He then started to approach any passer by to ask them if they had seen his brother or if they could remember anything.  
Tara help as much as she could but not being able to speak the language made it difficult.  
However, she looked carefully at everyone that her boyfriend approached and at everyone that looked at the flyers studying their faces.  
Some people caught her attention.  
One was a young guy in a group that kept on staring at the picture while his friends passed by and got stopped by Cillian.  
The other was an older man that studied the picture for long but did not want even to stop to get a flyer and finally there was a homeless man seating in a corner that had not moved his eyes away from Kili.  
_Who of you knows something?_  
She looked at her prince relentlessly stopping everyone and talking to them.  
_Poor love, we won't go home empty-handed._  
She was determined to get some answers.  
Cillian was so busy chatting to people that he did not even notice and next thing he knew when he turned around Tara was not there.  
  
OOOOOOOOOO  
  
It had been a game of waiting for her since she first laid her eyes on the young blond guy.  
She wanted him, and she was used to getting what she wanted.  
Something inside her had clicked from the moment she had seen him.  
Subconscious reasons that she could not quite understand were moving her.  
And yet nobody would have blamed her, he was young and good-looking, deep blue eyes, blond hair, and sporty physique... any woman could have fallen for him.  
She had been lucky she was the director of the Mental Facility where he was going to transferred.  
Nick Duront was a no one, a petty criminal that nobody wanted no even his own family.  
He had been unlucky enough to suffer a head injury that had left him somehow strangely detached from reality, leaving in his own fantasy world.  
Someone misfortune is someone else luck and in the balance of faith she ended up as the winner.  
He really despised her from the beginning she knew... what he did not know was that it did not matter at all she was in control of the game.  
It took 3 months for her to be able to get what she wanted and from that moment on there was nothing to stop her.

In the beginning, he did not know quite what was wrong.  
His daily dose of medication made him quite drowsy, it was always so hard to think.  
Then he felt a hand on his skin.  
His body was responding to that touch without his knowledge.  
_What's happening?_  
Then he realized and he felt awful.  
He tried to shout, to call for help.  
No sound came from him.  
He had absolutely no choice but to endure it.  
\- _Kili, ... Kili_ -  
Tears began to fall down his cheeks.  
He had called his brother for the first time.  
Not sure if he ever was going to reach him.

She took what she wanted and she left him robbed of everything.  
_How am I going to survive this?_  
The only way to survive was to retreat into himself.  
The medication took him away and it was exactly what he wanted.  
He allowed himself to get lost in the memories of Middle Earth when his life was happy.  
He held on to the people dear to him and forgot all the rest.  
That was his survival mechanism.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter. Thank for reading.  
> Please send me you comments, I like to know what you think.  
> Thanks for all the comments and kudos! :)


	9. Are you the ghost that haunts me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally Kili finds out what has happened to his beloved brother. Yet, he doesn't know for sure if Fili is alive or dead.  
> Even though he expected that some quite bad must have happened to his brother for his to disappear without a trace. He could have never imagined nor be prepared for it and unfortunately he deals with the news the only way he knows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! This month has gone so quickly I almost did not see it but now I am back with this story.  
> I has been very difficult for me to detach myself from it.  
> Anyway from now on the updates should be a bit more regular and hopefully soon I will be able to reunite the boys! :)  
> Thanks for all the Kudos and comments and please always let me know what you think.  
> 19th Dec 18 - I little update to this chapter, sadly this is all I could managed so far. December has been busier that I thought. :(

The most confused we  
ever get is when we  
try to convince our  
heads of something our  
hearts know is a lie.  
\- Karen Moning -

==================

Three people had caught Tara's attention while they were at the market.  
She had never met Fili in her new life, yet she knew that each of them somehow knew something about what happened to him.  
How she knew, she could not really tell. She just did.  
Tauriel had decided to follow them to get some answers and she had picked the old man first.  
  
The red-haired girl followed him through the streets of the old town.  
_What am I going to tell him? Will he understand me?_  
Doubts started to creep in but that did not stop her.  
For some reason beyond her control, even after everything she had been through when she started to doubt herself, her thoughts took a downward spiral and she felt so insecure.  
She had become better at dismissing that feeling but she still remembered exactly where it all came from. It made her feel so terribly uneasy.  
She sent those thoughts away as if they were uncomfortable memories.  
She took a deep breath and she found the courage to stop the old stranger.  
\- I am sorry. Can I talk to you for a second? Do you speak English? -  
For a split second, her heart was beating with hope and fear at the same time.  
\- I do. - _Thank God_.  
She breathed heavily.  
\- How can I help you? -  
\- I… - she took out Philp's picture - Please tell me when you have seen him last time. -  
The man went pale at such a direct question.  
That made her even more sure that her feelings were right. _He knows_.  
The man wanted to leave but she did not move.  
\- Please don't walk away. - she looked at him directly in his eyes.  
He stopped.  
_Please, please tell me_.  
\- Who is he to you? -  
\- To me? ... No one really, I have never met him. But he is my boyfriend's brother and he misses him terribly so does anyone that has known him. Please help me. -  
He looked at her thoughtfully.  
The young woman had taken him by surprise.  
_How? Why, with all the people around, she came to me?_  
\- He is the son of the artist. - it was not a question, but she nodded anyway.  
\- Do you know him? -  
\- Not well, we talked sometimes. I have a small shop nearby the port. Everyone around here knows me as everyone knows him. The Irish painter. -  
Once more he wondered why she had stopped him.  
He had never seen her in town before.  
\- Where is your boyfriend? Has he sent you to talk to me? -  
\- No, I came on my own. -  
He looked at her silently.  
Undoubtedly she was a stunning young lady. The Irish man's sons were young and handsome.  
He had seen them come and go regularly and he had heard the girls around town talking.  
He was not surprised. Yet, how did she know to come to him?  
How and why? Those were the questions that he wanted to ask, but he did not.  
Those deep green eyes did not need more questions, they needed answers.  
\- He came into my shop the night he left France. He bought a drink and snack and left. -  
He had felt always strangely guilty about it since he found out that the young guy had disappeared.  
It was not his fault, but he did.  
People talk a lot, and when they do sometimes they end up being quite cruel.  
The whole town and the neighbouring villages talked about it.  
Some said that the artist's son jumped from the ferry and killed himself.  
Others said that it was an accident and he drowned on the English coast.  
He was a father himself and he did not know what he would have done if something like that happened to him, to one of his kids.  
He felt for the family of the young guy.  
The police had come to him and he had told them exactly what he was saying to the girl standing in front of him.  
They never came back and no one else came to ask more questions.  
Even if they did, he had nothing else to add, yet he wanted to do more...  
... maybe he wished he had done more.

Tara was almost shocked.  
The old man was effectively the last person that had seen Fili.  
She knew that he had not left France.  
So, what happened when he left the shop?  
\- Do you remember what time it was? -  
\- Probably 8 ... or maybe even 9 pm. The evening ferry leaves at 8.30 but sometimes there are delays. -  
She thought a second unsure of what to ask next.  
Then she got an idea - Have you got CCTV in your shop? -  
\- Sure. -  
\- Do you still have the recording for that evening? Could I see it? -  
The man was surprised.  
Nobody had ever asked him to see the recordings, and he had never thought about it.  
Yet, what she could find in the CCTV recording?  
Before he could answer someone came to interrupt them.

\- I have been looking everywhere for you? - Kili was out of breath and his eyes were so concerned. Tara felt guilty.  
\- I am sorry but ... -  
She was so focused on solving the mystery of Fili disappearance that she had not realized how much she had worried him by leaving without a word.  
\- Don't do this, please. Don't disappear on me. -   
Those words got to her.  
He was not upset with her, just terribly worried.  
She understood all too well what was going on in his mind even before he could figure it out.  
His head was full of worries and thoughts had started to run wild, she read it on his face.

OOOOOOOOOOO

Cillian had turned around to find that Tara was no longer there.  
He was not really concerned, maybe she had just gone to get more stuff from the car.  
He had asked Mireille, but she told him she had not seen her.  
Panic started to rise a little inside him.  
He rang her mobile but got on answer. Tauriel had left it with Mireille inside her bag.  
_Where she can be? She doesn't know this place..._  
_What has happened?_  
He checked the other stalls around.  
The more he looked and the more he worried.  
It was not even 10 minutes that he was looking for his girlfriend but to him, it was already an eternity.  
_What's going on?_  
_Is this town literally swallowing people or what?_  
He left the flyers on the stall and told the French lady to call him if Tara came back.  
Kili was wondering the streets of the old town when he saw her talking to the shopkeeper.  
He knew the man ran a small business near the port.

\- I am sorry my love. - she said once more.  
\- I... - it was difficult to turn away from the deep fear that had taken hold of his heart.  
\- This man knows something about Philip. - she said quickly to catch his attention.  
\- What? -  
\- Your brother went to his shop the night he left. -  
\- What? - Cillian mind struggled to catch up.  
\- He has CCTV footage and I asked him if we could see it. -  
Her boyfriend looked at her then at the man.  
Finally, he turned his attention to the shopkeeper.  
\- Have you? I mean why? - he was almost unable d to formulate a coherent question.  
\- Does the police know? -  
The old gentleman looked at the young guy.  
\- I had told the police when they asked but they never came back. I did tell them. -  
He almost felt he needed to defend himself.  
\- It doesn’t matter Kili. - Tauriel stopped him from asking anything else.  
\- We need to see the CCTV footage ... - she turned to the man - if you still have it. -  
\- Sure, sure - he said, happy to help someone, and maybe hoping to feel less guilty.

Cillian called Mireille to reassure her it was all good and then, in no time they were at the shop.  
Luck was on their side. The old man had really kept the CCTV recording for all that time.  
The video was short, less than 5 minutes.  
Fili entered the shop he looked around and he picked a bottle of water and a snack bar and walked to the counter.  
There were other 3 guys in the shop, two tall dark-haired ones that looked older than Fili and young blond one about his same height.  
They seemed to be together. They left the shop shortly after Philip, without buying anything.  
They watched the recording more than a couple of times.  
The shop's owner offered to make them a copy and they left him Cillian's French number for him to call them once it was ready.  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
\- Those guys in the video, we must find them. They might have seen something. -  
\- Maybe there are not from here. -  
\- True. - he sighed. - That's why we've never found out what has happened. -  
His gaze was focused on the clouds moving fast across the sea.  
\- In this case, we are once again back to square one. - he sighed once more.  
\- Well not exactly... - Tara told him.  
\- There are other people I have noticed. -  
\- You have noticed? - he was surprised.  
\- When you were handing the leaflets... -  
\- Why do you think they might know something? -  
\- I really don't know. Call it instinct. There was something in their faces when they saw Fili's picture.  
They know, or they saw something. - Kili nodded.  
\- Who were they? -  
\- A young guy that was with a group of friends and a homeless man. -  
\- I think I know who you mean. -  
They looked around for them almost until it started to get dark but the ones they were searching for had disappeared.  
\- Damn it! Why everything always seems to slip away when we are almost there? -  
He let out when they had to go back.  
Mireille was waiting for them and they really could not delay any longer without raising his father suspicions.  
\- We'll get back first thing tomorrow morning. -  
Tara nodded.  
At dinner Cillian was unusually quiet, withdrawn from the conversation.  
His father noticed it.  
\- Everything all right? - he asked while getting up from the table.  
\- Yeah, I am just tired. We woke up so early to go to the market! - he complained.  
Seeing his son yawing Veon had no reason to suspect anything else.  
However, Tara and Mireille knew all too well that was not only that.  
During the journey back home they had told the French lady what they found.  
\- You know it is not going to be easy. - she had reminded him.  
Cillian had nodded. He had never expected to be simple, yet...  
\- In my heart, I know you will find him. You'll bring back our Philip. - she had smiled warmly to him and he just wanted to believe her.  
It was a kind maternal smile that for a second made Tara forget that they were not related.

OOOOOOOOOOO  
  
Everything in the cosy studio on the first floor of the barn was still.  
It had been a long day and despite all their worries, they both had fallen asleep really quickly.  
They had left one of the windows open and a gentle breeze came in from the sea, bringing with it the sound of the waves.  
  
It should have been a quiet night, but Cillian thoughts seemed to take a darker path almost as soon as he closed his eyes.  
He found himself in the thick of the battle, desperately looking for his brother but unable to find him.  
The orcs were everywhere, the more they fell the more others came.  
There was no end to them.  
He was losing his battle.  
_Fi will I ever find you?_  
Then in the darkness of the night, his voice came to him again.  
\- Kili, Kili. -  
His brother was calling him once more.  
\- Fili. - he was determined not to let him go. _Not this time_.  
Subconsciously, without even realizing it, he let himself fall into a profound sleep.  
He slipped deeper into the dream.  
_I will reach you, Fili._  
\- Kili, Kili. -  
\- I am here Fi. -  
Where was 'here', he had no clue.  
All he could hear was his voice, but he felt he was getting closer.  
Suddenly he found himself in his old life.  
The sweet colours of his family’s memories enveloped him.  
They warmed his heart and took him away.  
He was in Ered Luin.  
It was a nice autumn day, the leaves on the trees had turned yellow and red giving out the last bit of colour before the bitter winter.  
_I am home._  
He was very young, and he and Fili were chasing each other outside their house.  
The door was open, and they run inside.  
He took a deep breath.  
The scent of home filled his lungs and he was so happy.  
Only then he realized how much he had missed it.  
\- Mum, Mum. - he called. He had missed her too.  
\- Oh, enough you two. You'll break something. Go outside if you like to play. -  
\- You need to give them something to keep them occupied. - a deep voice at the front door replied to her complain.  
Kili knew that voice so well.  
He had missed it so much.  
\- Uuuncleee. - he shouted.  
Two strong arms picked him up and he felt safe.  
His brother run next to them and that moment was just as perfect as he remembered it.  
_I can't ask for more_.  
\- And what do you suggest? -  
\- Let me take them with me. -  
\- You? - she laughed.  
\- They are too young, Thorin. -  
\- I want to go with uncle. - Fili cried.  
\- Me too. Me too. - Kili echoed just a little louder.  
\- See? - Thorin told her.  
\- Leave them, they'll have time to follow you when they are a little older. -  
They both pouted at the same time and the adults laughed.

Tara woke up uneasily. Something was bothering her.  
She knew she had been dreaming, but she could not quite remember it.  
It had not been a nice dream. She was in a dark place.  
_Mirkwood?_  
No... somewhere else.  
Yet somehow Thranduil's words from her previous dreams had reached her again.  
\- The orcs are coming. -  
_Why?_  
Her thoughts were spinning around in different directions and for a second, she struggled to get accustomed to her surroundings, to remember where she was.  
\- _France... I am in France in the home of Kili's father_. -  
She turned to her prince and she found him asleep, yet disturbed.  
Cillian eyes were shut; however, his lips were moving … what was he murmuring?  
She tried to listen, but he was whispering so faintly that she could not make up what he was saying.  
He kept on turning, he was restless.  
The memories of Lake Town tried to resurface.  
Her beloved was laying down feverish and delirious in the Bowman's house.  
It took a lot of strength to send them away.  
She touched his forehead worried.  
_No fever_.  
She then tried to call him, to wake him up but she could not.  
Tauriel wanted to shake him out his nightmare but her voice could not reach her prince.

The nice childhood memory did not last long  
\- Kili, Kili. - his brother called again.  
\- Fi, I am here. Fi, listen to me, please. -  
Then he continued his restless search following his voice.  
\- Fili please, tell me where you are. -  
And there he appeared right in front of him, Philip.  
He was his brother exactly as he remembered him.  
_Fili_  
\- Fili, is it you? -  
He could almost touch him... but not quite.  
\- Where are you please tell me? We have been searching for you for so long? -  
\- Kili. Kili. -  
\- Fi please tell me... Please listen. -  
Nothing.  
Why was he not answering?  
Then looking into his brother lost gaze, Kili realized that he could not hear him nor see him.  
If he had let himself fall even deeper in that 'dream' he would have reached him.  
He knew that… however to reach his brother meant to let go completely of reality... his reality.  
To get to him he needed to lose himself into his previous life, to forget about Cillian.  
That's was how far his brother was.  
He desperately wanted to reach him.  
_Fili._  
He felt himself fall as reality fade away.  
He was within his reach.  
Just a little bit deeper.  
Tauriel face suddenly appeared to him bringing with her new questions.  
How was he going to get back?  
_Tauriel._  
What if he could not get back?  
He could not leave his sweet princess.  
Then he thought he heard her... she was far, very far away.  
\- Kili. Kili. - his brother called again his voice was pulling him closer.  
What was he going to do?  
Regrettably, there was only one choice.  
He sighed with a heavy heart.  
_Fi please forgive me._  
\- Fi I will find you. I promise you. I won't give up. -  
It was hard to get back, but it was even harder to let him go.  
The more he let go of Fili the more he could hear Tara's voice.  
She was calling him and she sounded terribly worried.  
_My princess._  
Fili was gone, he could no longer hear him, and he just hoped that his brother got his message, that he knew he was coming.  
_Fi, wherever you are don't give up._  
_...Please..._

Tara was terribly worried.  
Cillian did not want to wake up.   
He was no longer moving in that agitate sleep that had taken him earlier.  
He did not reply, he seemed trapped in his dream.  
_What's happening?_  
She hugged his motionless body.  
_Please, my prince, come back to me_.  
\- I beg you Kili, open your eyes. -  
She was close to tears.  
What had taken hold of him? Why he could not get back?  
Then suddenly, he woke up gasping for air, almost as if he was drawing.  
Her prince hugged her like she was the one pulling him out of the water and they stayed like that, in that intense embrace for a couple of minutes.  
\- Kili. - she whispered.  
Her hand moved away his unruly locks to kiss his face.  
\- Please, please don't do something like that again. -  
Finally, his eyes focused on her.  
In the deem light, he saw her tears.  
\- Forgive me. I... I don't know where I was. – he whispered heavily.  
She kissed him again.  
_She is so beautiful why do I always upset her?_  
He returned her kisses and he wiped her tears.  
However Cillian was not prepared to talk about what happened.  
Not then, he still needed to understand it himself.  
So many emotions, too many and too intense, they had taken hold of him.  
He needed Tara to bring him back.  
He needed to feel the warmth of her body against his skin to know that it was all real that the other place was in the past, a place where he did not belong anymore.  
Tauriel was still shaken... was it still so easy to lose him?  
Was it possible for him to lose himself so much in the past that he was not able to get back? That thought terrified her.  
Yet, his ardent kisses, his tight embrace were so intense... she could not resist.  
Tara's body responded immediately to his touch.  
He melted away all her fears... her worries could wait.  
His lips were drawing her name on her skin and left a heated trace on her body.  
As ever she felt she was made for him and him for her.  
\- Kili. - she moaned.  
And to him, his name of her lips sounded like the most beautiful poem ever written.  
There was only them in that moment nothing else mattered.  
Past or present became unimportant as she was his and he was hers.

OOOOOOOOOO  
  
The new day brought a change in the weather.  
The fast winds that were moving the clouds the day before had pushed in the rain.  
It actually seemed they had moved in all the rain on the planet, to fall on that spot of France.  
Cillian was sleeping peacefully when Tauriel opened her eyes in the morning.  
The sound of the heavy rain had woken her and she listened to it for a long while, looking at her precious prince, playing sweetly with his messy locks and gently caressing his face.  
In time she was going to ask him about the nightmares of the night before but on that raining morning, she did not want even to think about her own tormented dreams.  
Tauriel allowed herself to indulge in that little moment of peace.

It was mid-morning when she decided to get up to go to the main house.  
She could smell the sweet aroma of Mireille breakfast from the studio.  
Cillian was still asleep, his face looked so serene that she did not want to disturb him.  
She left a note on the table just in case her boyfriend woke up, and she ran quickly next door through the heavy rain.  
The French lady was still in her nightgown.  
\- Bonjour. How do you say? ... We are having a lazy morning. - she smiled.  
\- Yes, we are. -  
\- Is he still asleep? -  
Tara nodded.  
\- Nobody wants to get up with this weather. Veon is sleeping as well. -  
The two women sat at the kitchen table, chatting over their morning meal.  
Then the red-haired girl took some freshly baked biscuits and a jug of coffee back with her for Kili's breakfast.  
To her surprise, she found their room empty.  
She immediately went back downstairs.  
Her eyes run along the beach line searching.  
_Where is he gone?_  
The door of the art studio downstairs had been left ajar.  
She had not realized it before so she entered.  
Cillian stood by the table, one hand was touching the cold metal blade of one of Fili's swords.  
He was barefoot and he looked as if he just rolled out of the bed.  
He turned to her not even surprised to see her there.  
\- I cannot see anything. -  
She went next to him and touched his hand and then the sword.  
Nothing came.  
\- Me neither. - she shook her head.  
He sighed.  
\- Sorry, I thought that maybe... -  
\- We will find him. We will you know. - she looked into those dark eyes looking for some reassurance but they were so lost.  
\- Kili? -  
He nodded. - I know. I know I have to believe it or it won't happen. -  
\- It will happen. - she took his hand and prompt him to follow her upstairs.  
Cillian drunk the coffee but showed little interest in the biscuits.  
His gaze was lost far away and she would have given anything to know where he was.  
\- There is no point in going back to Saint-Malo today with this rain. - he finally said after a long while.  
\- We won't find a soul. Tomorrow... we'll go back tomorrow. -  
He went and hugged her and she felt almost as if she was the only thing holding him there.  
\- It's not a very good morning. - he whispered.  
\- I... I wish... - she just wanted to take away all the aches of his soul.  
He shook his head. - That's fine. Don't worry, please. It's just the way it is. -  
He kissed her sweetly.  
\- I have you here with me and that's all it matters. -  
\- I... last night... - he read all the distress in her deep green eyes.  
_Ah, you are so lovely my sweet princess. You just don't know how grateful I am for you._  
\- Last night I don't know exactly what happened. I don't even know quite where I was. -  
\- I was worried I lost you. - she said as he stroke her cheek softly.  
\- Never. You will never lose me again I promise. -  
He reached again for her soft lips.  
\- I rather lose myself in you than in anything else. -

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It took time but slowly Cillian managed to shed away the fragments of his nightmares and by dinner time he was in a more cheerful mood.

Tara was in the shower when mobile rang suddenly.  
\- Kili! Please check who is it? - she shouted.  
\- Oh, is our dear friend Blondie. - he told her.  
\- Please answer tell her I'll ring her back. -  
\- Sure. - a cheeky smile lit his face.  
\- Hello, this is the answering machine of Tara Greenwood she cannot come to the phone right now but... -  
\- Get serious Cillian! - Claire snorted  
\- Wow, are we in a bad mood Blondie? -  
\- Are you answering Tara's phone now? - she was well aware of how stressed she sounded.  
\- Well, she asked me to... -  
The girl at the other end of the phone snorted.  
Her frustration was not directed at him.  
Yet, he was the last person she wanted to have on the phone at that moment.  
\- May I remind you that I am not the jealous over-possessive boyfriend?  
She had ditched that one. -  
\- I know, I know... -  
She knew Cillian meant no harm and he was just being silly as usual.  
_He is the good guy the one that loves Tara and makes her happy..._ she reminded herself.  
\- Everything ok? Something wrong at home? -  
\- No worries your house is fine. Still standing. -  
\- That's great news... and are you collecting our mail and watering the garden? -  
Claire had little patience left.  
\- May I remind you that I am not your butler! -  
\- Sorry, you seem a bit more touchy than usual today. Are you sure everything is ok? -  
\- Sure, just a bad day. -  
\- It sounds like. -  
_Boy, you have absolutely no idea_.  
\- Please tell Tara that I'll ring her back. -  
\- I will no worries. -  
\- Thanks. -  
\- Hey Claire honestly, jokes aside are you alright? -  
The blond girl smiled after all he had become her friend too.  
\- Yeah, no worries. Tell my friend I miss her. -  
\- Ok, I will and she will ring you if you don't. -  
\- Thanks. -

\- Blondie misses you and she will ring back. - he told Tauriel as she walked out of the shower.  
He wanted to add something else but his princess took whole his attention.  
\- Was she ok? -  
\- Yeah, no worries. - he said leaning in for a kiss.  
His girlfriend complied but then she added - Mireille and your dad are waiting for us. -  
\- I'll text them that we are not coming. -  
\- That's rude. -  
\- No, it's not. -  
She rolled her eyes.  
\- My Dad understands. He knows me and I am young and in love. - a dashing smile appeared on his face.  
Tara smiled back but she quickly moved away while he tried to grab her.  
\- In love... with the most beautiful creature on Earth. -  
He took her hand and kissed it.  
She would have more than willingly given in to his attention... yet...  
\- We'll have all night after dinner for us my love. -  
\- True ... even though sometimes I ask myself why wait? -  
He laid casually on the bed and Tauriel sighed.  
\- Stop it. -  
\- Stop what? -  
She rolled her eyes but after all, she was just glad that the sadness that had taken hold of him in the morning was gone.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The following day the sun was shining once more.  
They left for Saint-Malo around mid-morning.  
They had no car as Veon needed it for the day, so they got a lift from one of the neighbours that was going in the same direction.

While in the car their mobiles beeped a the same time.  
Tilly sent them a text via Whatsup.  
It read - Don't give up. We are with you -  
Then the picture of a beautiful and colourful flower painted on a wall followed.  
Finally, there was another text - I texted you both so that you don't get jealous. ;) -  
They both smiled.  
\- Maybe we are in luck today. - Cillian was a bit more optimistic.

They spent a little more than one hour around town when Tara spotted the young guy that she had seen in the market.  
When he saw them approaching there was a little panic on his face but he did not run away.  
His name was Pierre and they soon found out that he was younger than what he looked.  
\- Sorry to bother you but I need to ask you a question. -  
\- Something wrong? -  
\- Well, we think you know something about the guy in this picture. -  
Kili pulled out one of the flyers.  
They were speaking French, so since Tauriel could not understand much, she was looking at the guy very closely just in case he tried to run away.  
\- I... no... I mean I know you. I know who you are. -  
\- Do you? - he narrowed his eyes.  
\- Everyone knows you in town... I mean your father is the Irish artist and you are his sons. - he eyed the picture as he spoke.  
\- Yeah... what do you know about my brother? -  
Young Pierre looked more and more nervous and agitated.  
\- He... He disappeared. -  
\- _He is too young to be able to hide anything_. - Tara thought.  
\- I mean do you know anything? -  
\- No, no, nothing. - he tried to move away but found the red-haired girl on his path.  
\- Please, don't be afraid. We mean no harm but we know that you know something. -  
They guy went pale... very pale.  
_Tauriel is right. He knows something_.  
\- Please, it doesn't matter if you had not told anyone until now. Believe me, nothing is gonna happen to you. I just need to know.... anything that you might know. -  
Something in Cillian's voice got through to him or maybe it was his guilt.  
For a long time, he had kept the secret because he was scared. Too scared to say anything.  
The more it kept it, the more difficult he had become to get rid of it.  
The more it kept it, the more it had eaten him inside.  
Pierre was ready to spill the beans.

OOOOOOOOOO

Pierre Tourond was really no more than a kid.  
It was almost 15 when Philip had gone missing.  
He knew both brothers by name, everyone did.  
They were cool guys, their father was an artist.  
They came and went between France and the UK.  
The boys had built up a reputation and some of their silly pranks had become legendary, especially amongst the youngsters around their age and younger.  
They were interesting people, quite popular.  
Pierre had never been popular.

The night Philip went missing he was where he was not supposed to be.  
He had gone out with some friends around his age.  
They had managed to get hold of some spirts and some beers.  
As they were all underage they went hiding in an old abandon house.  
Pierre had to be home by 10 pm and most importantly he had to make sure not to get caught.  
He was quite merry but not really drunk.  
He had taken a shortcut that had brought him near the port, and that was where he saw it.  
Philip was walking along the seafront not too far out from the ferry docks when three guys approached him.  
They pretended to start a conversation but then they literally attacked him.  
He managed to keep them at bay a the beginning, he even hit two of them.  
In the end, one of them hit him in the back of his head and fell to the ground.  
He tried to stand up again but after the first blow he was clearly dizzy and the group did not stop.  
They kept on hitting him like crazy.  
Philip tried to leave but he fell into the water.  
They guys began to panic and they pulled him out.  
They did not want to kill him maybe only rob him or something.  
Poor Pierre did not want to elaborate their motives.  
He hid behind some pallets and wooden crates absolutely terrified.  
He saw the blood, he heard the sounds.  
He was sure if they saw him it was going to be the end for him as well.  
He knew too well he had no chance to outrun them and he already felt his legs going weak.  
He was not sure that he would even be able to stand if he had to.  
The poor kid held his breath trying desperately not to make a noise.  
Time passed and when he was sure that nobody was there he ran home as quickly as he could.  
He tripped and fell a couple of times as fear had taken hold of him.  
Nobody caught him, nor the attackers, nor his parents.  
Pierre had been afraid for years, he never said a word to a soul about what he saw that night.  
He tried to put it as far as possible to the back of his mind.

The young guy blurted all out almost without catching his breath.  
He was shaking as he spoke and Kili could see that the fear had never left him.  
Talking about it brought it all up. He still had in his head the sound of poor Philip cracking skull.  
Cillian was petrified by that story and he had absolutely no words.  
Tara did not get a single sentence but she knew it was very bad just by looking at their faces.  
Pierre felt dizzy, he was going to faint.  
\- You don't look ok. - finally, Kili managed to say.  
\- I don't feel good. -  
He helped him to get to a hidden corner where the poor boy puked his guts.  
When they walked back to the red-haired girl she called her boyfriend - Kili? -  
He breathed heavily.  
\- Later. Come, please. -  
She followed them.  
\- I am sorry. - the boy told him in English.  
\- Just don't say a word. Please. -  
\- I... -  
They enter a small tavern not far from the port.  
\- Kili? -  
\- I am sorry, really I am but my sweet love right now I just need this. -  
His eyes were too sad to bear.  
\- What happened? Please tell me. -  
He shook his head - I cannot. -  
The look on his face broke her heart.  
\- What has he done? What?... -  
\- He is just a poor soul, probably more messed up than me right now. -  
\- Kili. - she stroke his face gently.  
\- I am sorry, stay or wait outside if you want. I... -  
Tara wanted to take him out of that place yet she knew she could not.  
_Why I cannot help you. What happened?_  
Pierre was almost in tears and Cillian could not bear it.  
He ordered 2 shots of whiskey. He handed one to the guy and he drunk the other straight.  
\- Just drink it. - and the French guy did.  
Then he looked directly into his eyes.  
\- You really need to man up kid 'cos this mess is not going to get any better. -  
They drunk another shot each.  
\- Are you taking me to the police? -  
Kili shook his head.  
\- It won't change a thing not for me, not for you. -  
He ordered again one single and one double.  
\- What you saw, you won't forget and how you deal with it... it is your own choice. -  
He looked at Tara sitting at a table in the corner, looking at him intently and he could not even figure out what to say.  
He left some money to the barman asking him to get the kid whatever he wanted.  
He walked to his girlfriend, took her hand and they left.  
They walked through the streets of the old town in silence for a little while.  
\- Are you upset with me? -  
\- No. I wish I could do something. Anything to help you. -  
\- You are helping me right now 'cos if you were not here with me I would have never walked out of that place. -  
She could feel his pain and she felt so powerless.  
\- I don't understand what happened? -  
\- I...  
He could not continue as Tara's gaze had frozen on a man sitting on a street corner.  
\- Is he? - he asked immediately.  
\- Yes,... but Kili. -  
He kissed her hand - Don't worry... I think it cannot get worst then this. -  
That made her even more worried.  
_What have you found out my love?_

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
The man was sitting by the lamp post on the corner between the main road and one of the small side streets.  
His eyes were not fixed on anything in particular.  
He was gazing causally at the cars and the people passing by seemingly without paying any attention.  
His age could have been anything between 45 up to 60, maybe more.  
His skin was dark hidden behind layers of grime.  
His greyish brown hair was tangled and greasy.  
Next to him was a bottle of Jack Daniels.  
Cillian had seen him before many times, in town, outside the shops, at the ferry docks.  
Sometimes like others, he had given him his change.  
Before they reached him, he asked - Are you sure? -  
Tara nodded - He was looking at you while you were handing out the flyers for a long time. -  
\- Probably he was just sitting nearby that's why he was looking. -  
\- No, the way he looked at you and at the picture was different. -  
He sighed.  
  
Once they reached him Kili went and sat on the floor right next to him.  
\- Good morning. - he smiled.  
\- Good morning to you, young man. - he sounded sort of tipsy but not awfully drunk.  
_That's good maybe we can get something out of him._  
\- What brings you to sit next to me? -  
\- Well, I just wanted to chat a bit if you don't mind? -  
\- Oh, no I don't but why do you want to chat with me? -  
\- Why not? -  
The man laughed. It was a throaty sound and then he ended up coughing.  
They spoke in French so Tauriel was once again cut off from the conversation.  
\- Nothing is for nothing. - he took a deep breath.  
\- You won't just sit here and chat to me just out of your good will.  
It's just not in the normal scheme of things. You people don't come to chat with me. -  
_Smart man._  
However, Cillian did not quite like the way he had said 'you people'. Yet...  
_Let's get to the point._  
\- We saw you at the market. You were looking at me handing out this. - he pulled out the flyer.  
The man looked it, but his expression was unreadable.  
He drunk from the bottle.  
\- I was at the market. -  
\- You see the guy in the picture is my brother and he went missing nearly four years ago. -  
He nodded.  
\- Have you seen him? Do you remember something? Anything? -  
\- Like I said before, nothing is for nothing? See you came here for something. -  
Kili turned to his girlfriend.  
\- Would you please go to the shop and get a couple of beers and a bottle of JD? -  
The look on her face said no, she was clearly concerned.  
\- Please? -  
\- I think you... -  
\- It's for him. - he cut her off.  
Tara hated the way the day was unfolding.  
She wished she was able to speak French or at least to understand it.  
Mostly she was increasingly worried about her beloved boyfriend and subconsciously started to doubt her ability to help him.  
Finally, she rolled her eyes and left.  
It was better not to put more pressure on him.  
So, she went, not quite sure if that was the right choice.

\- Nice... - the man told his ‘new-found friend’ as the girl was leaving.  
\- Don't add anything... I am just not in the mood for it. – his voice was ice.  
The man looked at him thoughtfully.  
\- I am sorry for your brother. -  
\- Please spare me your grief ... you'll get what you want, and I'll get what I want. -  
\- No… but I am sorry. I mean it. -  
The young guy looked at him coldly.  
\- Not everyone that crosses your path chose to ignore you deliberately.  
Even 'us people', we have a heart. Don't think that the pain of life is yours exclusively. - he said bitterly.  
\- Like I have said I am sorry, and I understand. – he stressed the last word.  
Cillian turned to him once more and somehow, he found his same pain in eyes and wondered.  
His gaze then was captured by the slender female body walking back to them.  
\- Have you seen him? Please tell me. - he asked the man while his eyes did not let her go.  
Tauriel brought back what he had requested.  
\- Thank you. - but she did not reply and leaned on the wall next to him instead.  
_Why I cannot find a way to help you?_  
He handed the bigger bottle to the man and then he found his keys and used them to open one of the beer bottles and handed it to him as well.  
The man refused. - I'll stick to my drink. This is yours. -  
\- I really should not...-  
He shook his head. - Have a drink. - and he sounded like 'you'll need it.'  
Kili sighed waiting for whatever was going to come.  
\- I saw him ... yes, probably it was nearly four years ago. You see I struggle to keep count of the time. -  
Cillian nodded.  
\- I was near the harbour where the ferries depart from... -  
He could not look at the man while he was talking, he could not look at his lovely girlfriend, or at anything else for that matter.  
His eyes were lost in something only he could see.  
\- I saw two guys carrying him and another one trailing behind. I thought he was drunk, and his friends were helping him.  
They turned down a small alleyway then... - the man turned to the young stranger, he was still lost in memories the older man could not see.  
He sighed - and then I saw it. –  
He paused briefly once more almost uncertain how to continue.  
\- Blood was on the back of his head… so against my better judgement, I thought to follow them.  
Well, sometimes this gives you that bit of extra courage that you wouldn't have otherwise. - he lifted the bottle.  
Kili took a good gulp from his bottle.  
\- They laid him down on the ground out of sight and they searched him. Probably they wanted his money.  
When they were done with it before they left the blond one put something in his pocket and they hurried away. -  
He took another gulp, but he did not turn, so the man continued his story.  
\- Once they were gone, I went to check him. I did not touch him or moved him… I was worried, you know. I tried to see if he was still alive and he was… breathing.  
I talk to him, but he did not respond. Then, I had done the only decent thing I could do, I called the ambulance. -  
\- Did they come? – he asked after a while realizing that the man had stopped talking.  
\- Off course they did, very quickly and they rushed away with him. -  
\- Where? -  
\- Saint-Malo’s Hospital I assume. -  
\- Did anyone come to ask you about him? About what happened to him? -  
\- No one. Nobody was bothered with me and if I went and told anyone, they probably would have thought that I was drunk or hallucinating. -  
Sadly, that was true, and it was one of the reasons why things had gone the way they did.  
Tara’s boyfriend quietly finished his bottle then he turned to the homeless man.  
\- Thank you. - he pulled out all his remaining notes.  
The man took them and then he pointed at the full beer bottle left on the floor.  
Cillian shook his head, he took the hand of his girl and they left.

He had refused the bottle only because Tara was there.  
The way he was feeling he would have gladly finished it all and more.  
  
OOOOOOOOO  
  
They walked a little while in silence and then when she could no longer bear it, she stopped him.  
\- Please tell me what is going on. -  
Her eyes were two green emeralds lost in a troubled sea that beacon to his soul.  
His finger followed the delicate line of her face gently and then he kissed her forehead.  
\- We need to go to the hospital. –  
\- What? Now? Why? -  
He kept on looking at her, his expression remained, unchanged almost as if he had not heard her.  
\- Is your brother there? -  
He sighed.  
\- Kili? –  
\- Just come, please. – he squeezed her hand.  
The hospital was not far.  
She followed with a heart full of worries.

So many thoughts were crushing him down.  
Two things kept or repeating endlessly in his head  
… _blood was on the back of his head…_  
_…the sound of his cracking skull._  
_Why this? Why would anyone want hurt Fi? Why would anyone attack him?_  
Philip was a good guy, the best. He never did anything wrong to anybody.  
Many memories were dancing in his head trying to surface and he had not much strength, nor will to keep them at bay.  
\- They hurt him, Tauriel. I… I don’t know why …I just cannot understand. –  
He said suddenly once they reached the hospital, then they sat on a bench just outside and he told her everything he knew.  
Every word betrayed the turmoil that was eating him inside.  
Tara was speechless. She knew no words would have comforted him.  
She just let her hand slide into his and squeezed it.  
_You are not alone in this, my love._  
\- I need to find out what happened. - he said still holding her hand and prompting her to follow.

Once inside the hospital they went to the reception and Cillian explained all his story to the receptionists and showed them his brother picture.  
However, it took a long while for him to get anywhere.  
_Too many questions, always too many questions..._  
His frustration was growing and once again Tauriel could not understand.  
A young receptionist took an unbelievably long time to search the old admission records on her PC.  
\- Rien. – she said at the end, the red-haired girl got that. Nothing.  
Then her boyfriend explained everything once more to her colleague.  
More questions were asked and then Cillian started to get a little upset.  
Another lady came over, so he had to explain it another time.  
He showed her Fili's picture and then he started to get a little upset again.  
Finally, the lady gestured for them to go and sit in the waiting area, she took the picture and left.  
Cillian sat, sighed and held his head in his hands.  
\- I cannot understand if we are going back or forward. - he let out.  
\- What did they say? -  
\- They cannot find him in their records and they ask an awful lot of stupid questions. - exasperation marked every word. He could not stand the questioning.  
He had happened before, and it was happening all over again. Uncomfortable memories from his present life start to overlap with the old ones.  
_How am I going to keep it together?_  
\- The lady that left, what has she told you? – he focused on her question hushing away anything else.  
\- She is going to check somewhere else and she asked me for my brother's picture. -  
They waited nearly two hours for her to come back.

Kili was on his feet as soon as he saw her.  
She came back with an envelope with some papers that looked quite promising.  
\- I think I found something. -  
\- Please tell me. -  
\- On the night you think your brother was admitted, we had a patient that was rushed in with a head injury.  
The name does not match but one of my colleagues that was here on the evening recognized him from the picture. -  
\- What? I mean, you have a different name? How? -  
\- We took it from the ID we found on the patient. He was unconscious. -  
_Unconscious_ involuntarily he dwelled on the word.  
\- The ID? -  
\- I should not show you this but... well - once the lady heard his story, she felt sorry for him and she wanted to help.  
She took out a card from the envelope she was holding.  
The picture on the ID was faded and scratched, you could not quite make up the face but everything else was quite readable.  
\- Nicholas Duront - he read from the card.  
\- We cannot be sure. I mean, I don't know how it happened, but I think Nicholas Duront might actually be your brother. -  
Suddenly the world shifted, and it all made sense.  
All the sleepless nights wondering what had happened.  
The police, the endless phone calls, the fruitless searches...  
_Of course ... that's... that's how it happened. That's why we could not find Fi anywhere_.  
Kili was staring at the lady with a blanc expression as his mind was putting together the different pieces of the puzzle.  
Philip was not Philip.  
_…not anymore…_  
\- The doctor that was there on that evening will be starting her shift in about 3 hours. If you want, you can talk to her. -  
\- Yes, I really would love to. -  
\- Then, I will tell her as soon as she arrives. Her name is Amelie Baren. -  
\- Please keep the flyer, it has my number on it. I will be around but please do call me when she arrives. -

When he turned back to Tara, he caught her deep in thoughts and she looked so worried.  
A twinge of pain shot through him.  
_My sweet angel. My heart._  
Once she saw him walking back the look on her face demanded answers.  
He shared with her what the nurse had just revealed him.  
Her astonished face needed no words. Tauriel was as surprised as he was.  
_Nobody could have ever imagined something like that._  
\- Let's get out of here. We will come back later. – her boyfriend did not want to spend a minute longer in that place.  
\- I hate hospitals. – he added under his breath as they walked through the sliding doors.  
  
It was late afternoon and Cillian had just realized that they had no food so far.  
Not that it really mattered to him, food was the last of his problems, but he needed to take care of his sweet girl.  
\- Let's get something to eat. - he tried to force a smile on his face.  
He took her to a little cosy restaurant not too far where they were.  
He tried, however, he could not bring himself to make much conversation.  
Mostly he sat quietly sulking, lost in his own mind and he left his food almost untouched.  
Tauriel had never seen him like this, not even in his worst days.  
She could no longer bear it. Her hand reached for his and their fingers entwined.  
\- My love, we knew it was not going to be easy. We knew whatever we were going to find out it was going to be difficult... but you know we will find him. -  
_We will find him..._ he dwelled on it.  
She could not have known that he had begun to doubt his own words.  
_We will find out what happened... yes, that we will for sure..._  
Her eyes were so deep, and he wished he could just allow himself to fall in like it had happened so many times before, but not then.  
So many layers of guilt were rising inside his head.  
He was worrying her so much, he was terribly aware of it.  
He knew he was on the verge of losing himself once more, he felt it coming and he was hopeless against it.  
He took too long to find out what happened to his brother.  
Mostly he had not been there.  
Where was he when Philip was attacked?  
Where was he when they took everything from him?  
Where was he when maybe Fili lost his battle?  
_Where?_  
He had let him down once more because he had not been where his place was...  
...right next to his brother.  
He sighed.  
\- Why did I not feel it, Tauriel? -  
She was shocked by what he had asked her.  
\- Oh Kili, you cannot ask yourself such a question. -  
\- Can't I not? Why? I should have known ... somehow… I -  
\- You didn't know who you were back then. You didn't remember... that's why. -  
\- Is it so simple? - he shook his head.  
She hated his self-loathing, her hand moved delicately to his face.  
_Your touch is so soft... an angel's feather...I don't deserve it._  
\- My love, look at me. Please don't do this to yourself. -  
He removed himself from her touch, not abruptly... but he leaned back on the chair.  
_Why did I not know? Why?_  
He thought about Fili's voice calling him in the night.  
_Are you still alive Fi? Are you a ghost that haunts my nights?_  
\- Do... do you think he is alive? - he gave voice to what was in his mind.  
He drew a deep breath - I mean do you still? -  
She looked at him, incredulous for a moment.  
He had always fought against anyone that believed otherwise.  
_Oh, my Kili._  
\- I do. - she was firm on that. - And you do too. -  
He nodded. – Thank you, my love. -  
He was trying desperately to keep it together for his sake but probably more for hers.  
Kili knew exactly how low he could get.  
He knew the bitter resentment he had inside, and he did not want his beautiful angel to witness how bad things could get.  
Unfortunately, he felt he was already travelling to his dark place.  
The words of the two strangers had sunk deep within him through the day.  
They had nestled and put roots, creating new dangerous thoughts.  
She was searching in his eyes for a yes, but they were fleeing her gaze.  
Then his mobile rang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have not finished this chapter as I wanted. I was meant to get them talk yet another person but I was too impatient to post it as it has been so long since my last update. I will probably complete it and updated it sometime during the week.  
> Also there will be a lot happening on chapter 10 and you'll get to find out why Claire needed to talk to Tara.


	10. St. Malo's Hospital

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a bit of everyone.  
> First you will find out what's going on with Claire, then with Freda and Fili and finally little by little our sweet couple is getting closer to poor Fili.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was hoping to post this a little earlier but unfortunately there is never enough time :(  
> Also I have reviewed all the previous chapters of this story so hopefully I have managed to get rid of all typos and grammar mistakes. I know I always make too many. :( :(  
> Hope you'll enjoy it. 
> 
> Thanks to Apus_Apus, Papillon Rouge, Imreth and all the other guests that left a comment.  
> You feedback is always precious!

She remembered who she was  
and the game changed.  
―  Lalah Delia -

=====================

The train was quite packed, but the blond girl had managed to find an empty seat.  
It had been a bright day and she felt that summer was just around the corner.  
Her head touched the cool window as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.  
She had been terribly busy at work all day and she was looking forward to spending the evening away from home, just by herself alone with her thoughts.  
Claire almost did not realize when the train arrived at London Bridge.  
Her head was lost somewhere else, between work, Tara, old conversations lost in time and her other friends.  
It has been a long day. _I am too tired_.  
Just as the train was stopping, she pulled a small mirror out of her bag.  
She desperately needed to check herself.  
_I must look awful_.  
Rightly or wrongly she had always taken great pride in her appearance and she hated when she did not look her best.  
She took a quick look at the mirror and that's when she noticed him.  
Her gaze fell on a guy with a dark blue t-shirt sitting just a seat behind her.  
He definitely did not realize that she had caught him.  
Probably he never thought it was even possible that she would register his presence.  
He was casually reading the paper as if he was not even pretending.  
_That's not possible. How did he...?_  
Her initial surprise quickly changed into a carefully hidden rage.  
_How dare he? Idiot_.  
She was not going to let him get away with it.  
_He followed me. Fool! He thought I would not realize._  
It was definitely not a coincidence that she had found him there.  
If he had thought that it was going to be easy to deal with her, he was in for a big surprise.  
Everyone was getting ready to leave the carriage, they were all pushing forward impatiently.  
As soon as the train stopped the blond girl got off quickly... so quickly that he lost her.  
He caught her white skirt, a bright red top... _where is she gone_?  
Claire hid behind a column and waited for him to pass before coming out right behind him.  
\- Oh, look who's here? What a coincidence? Going somewhere, John? -  
She left him speechless, not too sure how to react.  
\- Hi Claire... I didn't... -  
Her eyes betray no emotion, they were impenetrable.  
\- Drop it I have no time for it. Who was the idiot that let you out? – she said coldly.  
_What kind of game is she playing?_  
Claire never liked him, he knew that however he could not remember her ever being so blunt and curt about it before.  
He was slightly worried by the girl's attitude, but he had no intention to let her have the upper hand.  
A malignant grin appeared on his face.  
\- Surprise, surprise... you and your two-faced friend thought you could put me away so easily. You little... -  
\- Do not even dare to say a word about her or me. – she cut him as she struggled to hide her temper.  
_This is really the cherry on the cake today._  
\- Oh, really? Dear Tara, just took off with the first stranger that crossed her path and tried to lock me away in the process.  
What do you think I should call her? Or you for what it matters? -  
He moved closer.  
_You have learnt nothing from it._  
Claire did not move and keept her eyes firmly on him.  
_Poor fool you really think you can scare me. You have no idea_.  
\- Two faced? What kind of loyalty were you expecting from her after you spent your time breaking her down day after day? –  
\- I gave her a life. -  
\- A life? -  
\- She had no one before she met me, she knew nothing, no one was even looking at her before she met me. -  
The blond girl snorted impatiently.  
\- I lo… -  
\- Do not insult my intelligence. You did not love her! – she let out a little too loud.  
\- You never did. - she added.  
\- You cannot say that. You don’t know me. -  
_But I do know you_.  
\- I can believe it. You really live in another world inside your head. -  
He was growing tired of the stupid girl in front of him.  
_Who does she think she is?_  
He had no time for her, mostly some people had started to look at them and he wanted to draw no attention to himself.  
\- Where is she? -  
_Come closer._  
Her gaze did not fault.  
\- Like I am going to tell you? -  
\- Where is she hiding? -  
Claire laughed bitterly.  
\- Hiding? From you? Please. - she grimaced.  
John was still surprised by her coolness.  
\- Where are they? Her and her 'new friend'? -  
\- She does not need to hide from you and she is none of your concern anymore. -  
\- I decide if she is or not. - her attitude was getting to him.  
John was still moving closer when she looked at one of the security cameras and he stopped abruptly.  
\- There are cameras everywhere. Come closer and I'll call for help. Follow me and I'll tell the police.  
Do anything and this time I'll make personally sure that you will be put away for a long time. -  
His hand turned into a fist, yet he did not move.  
\- What the hell you think you are? You... -  
\- I tell you again and only once more. Leave them alone and go away... it's better for you, believe me. -  
\- You can't be serious... are you threatening me? -  
Claire walked to him to close the distance.  
\- You know nothing, John. - she whispered in his ear.  
\- Just keep away. -  
And she walked away. She did not stop.  
She crossed the whole station to get to the underground without turning back, not even once.  
Only when she was finally sat down in one of the wagons, she let out a heavy breath.  
John had really upset her. He had followed her to get to Tara. What a nutcase.  
He was looking for her. _That's no good_.  
Luckily her friend was not in town, she was not even in the country.  
  
Walking down Greenwich's small side streets to get to Tara's house she looked back a couple of times.  
_Better safe than sorry_.  
Claire felt happy only when she walked through the front door into the familiar leaving room.  
The encounter with John had really shaken her.  
She felt the need to talk to Tara, as soon as possible.  
The blond girl opened the french window that led to the garden to let in the evening breeze, then she took out her mobile and dialled the number.  
\- Hello, this is the answering machine of Tara Greenwood she cannot come to the phone right now but... -  
_Not you! Really you are the last person I want to talk to right now_.  
Another time she would have laughed at his silly joke and she would have played along but not that day.  
\- Get serious Cillian! - she snorted.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

\- Come on Freda! You cannot keep on avoiding everyone! -  
Her friend was literally chasing her down the corridor to convince her to join her on a night out.  
\- I am not. -  
\- You know you are. Come with us next week! I’ll promise you'll love it. -  
\- Nora, I don’t want a date. – she protested as she kept on walking down the long hospital's corridor.  
\- But it is not a date! Just two friends taking out another two friends. No commitment, we are just going to have fun. -  
\- I don’t quite like the way Thomas looks at me. -  
\- You are pretty, and he likes you. – her friend snorted – It’s quite normal you know? -  
\- I am not ready for… -  
\- You will never be ready! Stop with this negative attitude. –  
\- I… -  
\- You don’t need to go out with Thomas if you don’t like him. Just this time pleeease. -  
\- I… -  
\- I tell you, we'll come to pick you up from home and you'll better be ready! -  
She sighed.  
\- When is it then?  
\- Friday next week. – Nora replied as she was leaving with a big smile.  
She thought she knew what was best for Freda and if her friend was not ready to take back control of her life, she was ready to help her.  
When her friend was no longer there the young nurse eyes gazed out of the window searching the summer sky;  
without realizing she spent a long time there just lost in the shapes of the few clouds that were ‘racing’ each other in the blue. _The colour of his eyes_.  
\- Freda! What are you waiting for? – someone forced out of her reverie.  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Summer was definitely there, they had started to leave the windows open; not that Fili would have noticed.  
Even if he did all windows had thick bars, aside of that there were cameras everywhere and the nurses mounted a tight guard.  
However, the poor guy needed no guard at all, he was not going anywhere.  
His mind was lost in a past life that was no longer there only in his head, behind his empty gaze.  
Nothing had changed in the past two years and he had completely lost the count of time, so he did not even know how long he had already spent there.  
Yet, the night before something happened… he was not quite sure about it, but he held on to it.  
  
She had come to him for one of her “regular visits”.  
He was not there most of the time but the few times when he realized what was happening it hurt.  
It hurt him deeply not to able to control his response to that woman.  
It felt as if she was robbing him of himself. It was far worse than physical pain.  
Without even thinking he called him.  
He never thought he was going to reach him.  
When he was aware of what was happening, he knew Kili was not there with him.  
When the medication took him away, he talked to his little brother as if he was in the same room.  
That time though he felt him, he could not see him, but he felt his presence.  
He had no doubt, Kili was there.  
Most importantly he talked to him…  
_Fi, wherever you are don't give up._  
_...Please..._  
He had desperately tried to hold on to that voice.  
_Kili… Kili… where are you?_  
As he happened before he held on to it.  
But his brother never replied to his questions…  
_Could you really hear me? Are you coming?_  
  
OOOOOOOOOO

Cillian mobile rung suddenly while they were at the restaurant.  
For a split second, before he checked the display he hoped/thought that he was the hospital.  
\- Jesus, not her... Not now. – he let out.  
Tara leaned in to see the word “Mum” flashing on the screen.  
Kili was just staring at it debating on what to do.  
\- Do you me to answer for you? –  
The invitation was tempting but he knew all too well that if he did not talk to his mother then she would have continued to call until she got to talk to him.  
He was afraid of what he was going to find out about his brother from the doctor.  
_Better now than later._  
\- No, thanks. – he finally said - I rather take her call now. -

\- Hi Mum. -  
\- Oh, hello and, how are you? Have you forgotten my number? -  
\- Fine and did I not call you a couple of days ago? -  
\- It was four days ago. -  
\- Sorry, I am kind of busy. -  
\- Too busy to call me. -  
\- Listen, I was going to call you today and if I don’t call you for a couple of days, it doesn’t mean that I am in troubles, ok?  
...But have you called just to complain? – his patience was fluctuating like his mood.  
\- You are on holiday and have not a second to call and then I am the one complaining. -  
He sighed.  
\- You know I worry. -  
\- I know and as I said, you shouldn’t. I am more than fine, I am dining out with Tara. – he tried to sound as enthusiastic as possible.  
\- Oh, have I interrupted your meal? -  
\- Yes, you did. – _if only you knew_.  
\- Would you ring me back later? -  
\- I’ll ring you tomorrow. – he promised reluctantly.  
\- Send my love to Tara. -  
\- I will… and please Mum don’t worry. I am with Tara, we are staying at Dad’s so everything is fine. -  
\- I know, I know. -  
He felt slightly guilty; he sensed that she wanted to talk a bit more, but he could not help her, not then.  
\- Speak to you tomorrow. -  
\- Bye Mum. –  
The call ended and he sighed again.  
\- She wanted to talk… but I can’t. – he said sadly.  
Tauriel delicately caressed his face – Next time pass her to me. I’ll talk to her. -  
They went back to the hospital exactly 3 hours after they left.  
The nurse that talked to Cillian earlier on was still at the reception desk, she was talking to a tall lady with long dark hair.  
They both turned to them as they walked in from the main entrance.

\- Talking of the devil. Here they are. – the nurse told her and the woman next to her turned.  
\- It won’t be a pleasant conversation... - she sighed unwillingly - but you are right they both look like fashion show material. -  
\- A very pretty couple, I have told you. -  
The two ladies had been gossiping since the doctor arrived 40 minutes earlier.  
The receptionist had briefed her about the young couple and what she had found out about one of her patients.  
Doctor Amelie Baren immediately introduced herself to them as soon as they reached the reception's desk.  
Her English was very good and that obviously made Tara very happy, for once she was not going to wait for a translation.

She asked them to follow her and she led them to a small studio on the first floor.  
As soon as she closed the door she looked directly at Cillian.  
\- I heard your story but before I am going to tell you anything about my patient I need to ask you:  
have you got anything other than your word and the flyer that you left to nurse to prove that he is your brother? -  
\- I have. -  
To Tauriel's amezement, he pulled out two passports from his bag and opened them to the picture page.  
She had no idea that he had brought Philip's documents with him.  
\- This is my mine and this is my brother - he handed them to the lady.  
\- As you can see we have the same family name. My brother Philip was born on 1st December in London, in Charlton if I need to be precise.  
Please ask me anything else you want to know about him and I will be happy to answer any of your questions. -  
She looked at the picture in the passport. He was the young patient that had arrived at the hospital four years before, she had absolutely no doubt.  
\- That's fine. - she felt no need to question him.  
Clearly, his story was true however she still struggled to believe how such a mistake could have happened.  
The doctor looked intently at Kili practically studying him to decide exactly which words to use.  
In her line of work, she had spoken to the relatives of many of her patients and it had not been always good news.  
She had learned to read all signs and she could see the concern and the fear in the young man sitting in front of her.  
He sensed that, and he almost wanted to tell her that he did not matter.  
He had to know whatever she was going to say.  
She glanced quickly at his girlfriend and then her eyes fell on their entwined hands.  
\- When your brother reached this hospital, his condition was already critical.  
If we had delayed just a little longer, we would have not been able to do anything for him. -  
_Fili is alive_.  
He did not dare to interrupt her.  
\- This is not a big hospital and we could not treat him here.  
We needed to stabilize him before we could move him.  
His vital parameters were all over the place. –  
She paused a second still looking for the right words as if she was searching them on his face.  
\- He would have not survived the journey otherwise.  
We sent him to Nantes hospital, in there they have a neurology department. -  
Tara noticed how while she was talking she had been very carful not to use the word death.  
-  _This doctor is mindful of people's feelings_. - she thought.  
Not all the doctors she had to talk to in her life had been that tactful.  
Silent fell in the room.  
Cillian wanted to ask so many things yet he was unable to formulate a coherent question.  
Doctor Amelie decided to speak again cautiously.  
\- You see, he had a severe head trauma to the back of his head.  
It appeared that someone had struck a strong blow there... probably more than one actually.  
The blow had fractured his skull causing his brain to swell and increased the pressure inside the head.  
With brain injuries, we must act quickly to prevent long-term consequences.  
\- Do... do you know what happened after he reached the hospital in Nantes? -  
He finally managed to ask.  
\- I know they operated on him and he survived the operation. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you what happened afterwards.  
I had not been in touch with the colleague that was in charge of your brother. -  
Kili nodded.  
\- Would... - he was so afraid to ask the question but he had to - Do you think he would have recovered? -  
\- Brain injuries are very unpredictable. Recovery can be long and difficult and it depends on the individual healing abilities. -  
That was not the answer he was looking for.  
Maybe Philip had never recovered... he could not even bring himself to think about it.  
\- I am not going to lie to you, he was in very bad shape when he arrived however I can tell you that he had a good doctor.  
You really should go to Nantes to find out for yourself what happened. -  
\- I will. -  
\- I am sorry there is no much I can do for you. -  
\- That's not true... if my brother is still alive today is probably thanks to you. - he said politely.  
\- It's my job, but before you leave I will write you a letter to take with you to the hospital in Nantes.  
I believed your story by some people might find it a little awkward. -  
\- Thank you. - That's all he could say and he felt it was not enough.  
That woman saved his brother's life... yet what she had told him had just brought more questions.

While they leaving the hospital Cillian's mobile rang again.  
It was his father this time.  
\- Honestly... both of them on the same day? - he snorted.  
\- Hi Dad. -  
\- Did I catch you at a bad time? -  
\- No, not at all. Why? -  
\- I just wanted to tell you that Monsieur Dandieu is not well so we'll stay at his tonight. -  
\- That's fine don't worry about us. Take care of him. Is he really bad? -  
He remembered the old neighbour. Many times he had chased him and Fili when they were kids because they went to play in his garden and climbed on his trees.  
\- Not really but he is old and his wife is away so we rather stay with him. -  
\- Ok. -  
\- I'll see you tomorrow morning. -  
\- Oh... I am not sure... we might leave early. We just want to travel around a little. I want to get Tara to visit a bit the country. -  
\- That's good. Just let me know if you decide to leave. -  
\- We'll do. -  
Once he hung up he turned to Tauriel.  
\- We need to rent a car if we want to get to Nantes tomorrow. -  
He sounded so tired. The weight of the day was crushing him down.  
They went to a car rental near the port and left with a small Toyota.  
Kili did not like it but that was all they had available with short notice.  
However, they told that they had other offices around the country so they could drop it somewhere else to pick up a different car.

By the time they arrived home, it was almost dusk.  
Cillian was still not interested in food, he just ate a small sandwich to keep going.  
Tara was getting more concerned and somehow she had the feeling that the situation was going to get worse before it got better.

A fleeting smile lit his feature when Tauriel came to sit on his lap.  
\- I am sorry but I cannot stop thinking that it all happened while I was in London enjoying a night out. -  
He hugged her slender body.  
\- And you think that if you were here it would have gone differently? -  
\- I wouldn't have let anyone hurt Fi. -  
\- You might have ended up both hurt. -  
\- Maybe if they saw the two of us together they would not have even approached us. -  
\- Maybe... maybe, maybe not... -  
\- Tauriel, he was dying and I was out boozing. -  
She rolled her eyes.  
\- And you didn't know and you could not have known. -  
She kissed his forehead and sighed.  
\- And I wish I could take away all the guilt that you feel, my precious prince. -  
He kissed her tenderly.  
\- I... I don't want to worry you. -  
\- I know, I know. It's not easy I understand. -  
She looked into his captivating dark eyes.  
\- Unfortunately, things happen the way they must even when we don't agree with it.  
As much as you wish you could turn back time and be there to help him it will not happen.  
Believe me, I had been there. -  
He kissed her again, a long soft kiss that took her mind away from the sad memories.  
\- Let's go to bed we have an early start tomorrow. - he said catching his breath.  
\- I want to leave before they come back. - he sighed - I honestly cannot look into my father's eyes now not after what I have found out. -

It had been a long day and Tara had fallen asleep almost immediately as he cuddled her in bed... but her sweet prince could not.  
Thought after thought, memory after memory were racing each other in his head like horses driven mad by fear...  
because it was the fear of losing his brother that had taken hold of him and did not allow him to sleep.  
All the could see when he closed his eyes was Fili's empty stare.  
He laid a while with Tauriel but when he was sure that she was deeply asleep, he got up.  
He walked for a while along the shore letting the memories good and bad to take him away.  
When he found himself with his feet in the water without quite knowing how and when he had walked into it, he turned back to his father's house.  
He needed something to calm himself. He took two beers out of the fridge, he lit a cigarette and he sat on the bench outside for a long while.  
He was still there when the sky began to lit up in the east, opening like a shell to the new day.  
  
Tauriel was woken up very early by the sound of running water in the bathroom.  
She checked her phone, it was 5 am.  
She shook her head and pulled the covers on top of her face and moaned.  
_Come on Tara_!  
Then she took a deep breath, she shoved all the covers away and she got up as her sweet prince walked out of the bathroom with as little clothing as possible.  
\- Good morning. - she kissed him.  
He smiled playfully - You look so sleepy. -  
\- Instead, you don't look sleepy at all. - she retorted.  
She deliberately chose not to ask about his night.  
She did not need to, she knew he did not sleep at all.  
\- Sorry, I woke you up. -  
\- Uhm... you need to do better with the apology. -  
He gave her a questioning look but then a mischievous smile raised to his lips.  
\- Do I? -  
\- Uhm.. uhm... - she nodded as his finger was tracing her jawline and then he kissed her softly.  
She struggled to keep her coolness.  
\- We need to leave soon if we don't want to meet your dad this morning. -  
She reminded him as he took his time indulging on her elegant feautures.  
\- Don't worry I can be very quick in apologizing. - a cheeky glint lit his eyes.  
She moved flawlessly past him to enter the bathroom and he did not miss her invitation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it. Please let me know what you think. Thanks for your comments and kudos.


	11. Strange chances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything seems to be a struggle to Kili; his only comfort is that he has Tauriel by his side.  
> However this time, right at the end, they make a real break through as... they get to meet someone quite important to Fili.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally I have managed another chapter.  
> Life has been full of ups and downs lately and I have been quite busy.  
> I kept on updating it and adding to this chapter as I wanted to get our sweet couple as far as possible in their search.  
> Sorry for all the typos... hopefully there are not too many :)  
> Enjoy and thanks for all your comments and kudos.

Not I, nor anyone else can travel that road for you.  
You must travel it by yourself.  
\- Walt Whitman - Leaves of grass

Many are the strange chances of the world...  
\- J.R.R. Tolkien - The Silmarillion  


======================= 

They loaded the car quickly in the early morning.  
It was summer, so the sun was already up, it had woken up before Tara did.  
The rhythmic sounds of the sea filled the silence while they were packing.  
She was almost afraid to say a word to spoil that quiet moment.  
It seemed peaceful, yet it was not.  
There was no happiness nor sadness in it.  
It was the calm before the storm; that was exactly how it felt.  
_What is awaiting us?_  
And yet they were leaving like two thieves, quickly, afraid to get caught.  
Cillian did not want to see his father and Mireille.

The waves were soft on the sandy shore, the ‘music’ of the sea.  
He felt his heart following their pace.  
He breathed in deeply the light morning's air.  
_What this day is going to bring?_  
It was a perfect summer morning, however he could not allow its beauty to sink in and soothe his soul.  
He really wanted to be able to leave all his worries and fears behind, to let them go away with the night that had just left them.  
He took yet another deep breath...  
They left very early when everything around them was still asleep.  
  
It took them only 2 hours to get to Nantes.  
The voice of the radio had been left silent.  
There was not any sing-along and almost no chatting then.  
They reach their destination just in time for breakfast.  
Not that it mattered much to Kili, but he still needed his coffee.  
He found a lovely little cafe with a nice small back garden where they had their breakfast shaded by the trees.  
Tauriel loved it, she relished her breakfast and her prince watched her attentively while sipping his coffee.  
As it happened so many times before, Kili became tangled in her small simple gestures;  
the way she looked at the menu, how she hold her cup or her deep green eyes when she looked at him...  
Just seeing his sweet love enjoying her breakfast was enough for him.  
He could have happily allowed himself to get lost in that moment, yet he needed no reminder to know that they were not there on holiday.  
The thought of his brother was always there, it just lingered on everything.  
He wanted to know what happened, yet he was not in a real hurry to get to the hospital.  
He had a bad feeling and somehow, he was sure his sweet angel had the same sensation.  
They spent little less than two hours at the cafe before heading to the hospital.  
  
They went to the reception together and then Cillian started to explain once more his story.  
He had told Tara to find a place to sit if she wanted, she could not understand the conversation anyway, but she had insisted to be next to him.  
He talked and talked and then finally he pulled out the letter that doctor Baren had given him.  
The nurse checked it thoroughly, then she nodded.  
They talked a little more then he turned to her.  
– The doctor we need to see is not here today. -  
He sighed - He will be here tomorrow. -  
Kili then took her hand and they walked out of the building.  
He looked at the bright sky above them as if searching for answers.  
In that perfect summer morning, he still did not know where his brother was.  
The sky should have felt guilty for bringing such a beautiful day to shine over his troubles, he thought…  
_Yet it was a nice summer day when you left_.  
He drew a heavy breath.  
\- I cannot go home. We stay here today. – his eyes were terribly sad.  
Tauriel nodded and gently touched his face.  
He hugged her suddenly and buried his face in her neck.  
He desperately needed to feel her close.  
She hugged him back as tightly as she could. _I am here my love_.  
\- I am not good with this…. This situation. – he said releasing himself from the hug.  
\- I wouldn’t be either in your place. Nobody can be… - she stroked his back as they walked away.  
They went to look for a place where to spend the night.  
  
OOOOOOOO  
  
It was midnight when Tauriel fell asleep.  
Her eyes were so heavy, she had tried to keep awake as long as she could, to be there for him.  
She knew that Kili was not going to sleep and she did not want to leave him alone with his demons.  
\- Sleep my sweet angel, don’t worry. – was the last thing she heard.

Cillian followed the rhythm of her breathing and it almost worked.  
His eyes closed shortly after hers but unfortunately, there was no peaceful dream coming to him.  
There was ice everywhere and it was so cold.  
_Where am I?_  
It took him a split second to realize.  
_Ravenhill._  
_Fili? Thorin?_  
He looked down, already knowing that he should not have.  
His brother empty gaze was staring back at him.  
_Fili._  
He felt pain, deep in his chest as his anger surged.  
He wanted revenge.  
And as much as he knew where that was going to take him, he could not stop the memory that was unfolding in front of him.  
He heard Thorin calling him, but his voice was already behind him… too far, a distant echo lost in time and he had no intention to stop.  
He needed to avenge his brother that was all he could think about.  
The pale orc had taken Fili away.

Cillian woke up suddenly gasping for air trying once again to figure out where he was.  
There was going to be no more sleep for him that night.  
The world was still enveloped in darkness and his love was still asleep next to him.  
He got up quickly without making a sound.  
_Forgive me, please_. He kissed her forehead lightly not to wake her up.  
The nightmare was still very vivid in his mind.  
He left the room and went downstairs; the place was empty.  
Nobody was around.  
He went outside in the almost deserted streets and he soon found what he was looking for.  
  
A couple of hours later, Kili was already back to the hotel... with a bottle of beer in his hand.  
His concern was not that Tauriel was going to find out that he had been drinking.  
He worried if Tauriel woke up and did not find him.  
He did not want to upset her.  
Her peaceful expression, while she slept, was more precious to him than anything in the World.  
He sat outside on the small balcony gazing at the town.  
  
After a while, he began to fiddle with his mobile.  
\- Are you sleeping? - he sent a text.  
\- No. -  
\- No? Did I wake you up? -  
\- No, you didn’t. Are you ok? -  
He looked at the display not sure what to answer.  
\- Are you ok? – Another text.  
Finally, he texted back.  
\- Can I call you? -  
\- Any time. –  
He pulled the door ajar.  
  
Tilly's mobile rang.  
\- What are you doing up at this time? -  
\- And you rang me just to ask me that? -  
\- Where is Shanade? -  
\- At work. -  
\- At work? -  
\- She has a night shift, I cannot sleep. We can talk till the morning comes. -  
\- That’s fine by me. -  
\- Cannot sleep either?  
\- Yes, I cannot sleep. -  
\- What’s wrong? Where is your girl? -  
\- Asleep. -  
\- So, you thought to call your ‘other girlfriend’. – she mocked him  
\- Ah, you wish. -  
\- Pet you are very good looking but not that appealing to me. -  
she made him laugh.  
Yet she knew there was something wrong.  
\- So, tell everything to Tilly. -  
He sighed.  
\- Am I your shrink or not? - she prompted him again.  
\- If you were my shrink, I should worry. -  
She laughed.  
\- So? -  
\- I have no real news if this is what you want to know. -  
\- But? … -  
\- I don’t know maybe we are going somewhere… maybe nowhere. -  
\- Uhm… that’s ok, you just have to keep going, I guess. -  
\- Yes, I really need to get to the bottom of this now whatever it takes. -  
\- Sleeping beauty will help you. You know? -  
\- She does, she always does. She has been brilliant in all of this... I am just scared of so many things Tilly. - he admitted painfully.  
\- Oh, Pet! I want to tell you don't let you fear drug you down...but it won't work would it? -  
\- I wish it was that simple. – he sighed.  
She sighed – You sound like you need a hug. -  
He smiled but Tilly could not see it.  
Cillian did not want to talk about all his worries.  
He needed to move his mind to lighter thoughts.  
They talked about graffiti, paintings and art in general.  
The conversation moved from painting ideas to vibrant colours.  
\- God, I miss it, Tilly! If I could I would paint everywhere, every single wall. -  
\- Painting helps. - he added.  
\- It always does, Little brother. -  
The girl on the other hand of the phone laughed.  
She fondly remembered the kid that she met many years before all excited about the idea of drawing on the wall.  
Little brother was so happy and carefree. She wanted to see him that happy again.  
\- Be quick. Find your Big brother, get back here and I’ll buy you the cans to spray every single wall. -  
He laughed.  
\- That will be a lot of cans. -  
\- No worries. –  
The call ended at dawn; Shanade was back and they had been on the phone for a very long time.  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It was a knock on the door that woke her up that morning.  
Kili was already up, opening the door for the waiter to bring in the breakfast.  
It had happened to her before, however, sometimes she was still not sure if it was reality or a dream that she was leaving in… especially when she looked at her prince.  
Tauriel was not sure if he had slept, he always looked tired those days.  
He smiled and leaned in to kiss her.  
\- You looked like a flower that has just blossomed. – his eyes were lost in her beauty.  
She shook her head - I look still asleep. I am a mess. -  
He delicately removed a strand of silken red hair from her face.  
– You are perfect. – and gifted her with yet another kiss.

When she sat with him to have breakfast together, her gaze fully scrutinized him.  
The many sleepless nights populated by daunting nightmares had begun to show on his face, so did his lack of appetite.  
Cillian flawless features and his magnetic eyes made him still the most handsome guy she had ever seen, yet she felt the need to speak up.  
\- You are not sleeping, you are not eating, and I know it is hard, but you will not find him if you don’t allow yourself to rest or if you starve yourself. -  
He did not lift his eyes to her.  
\- I know. – he moaned.  
He grabbed her hand.  
\- I want to believe Fili is alive… maybe I know he is but…  
He drew a heavy breath.  
\- After what we have found out I am worried that I will not find the same brother I know… and then... what do I do then? – there he had said it.  
What had been bothering for days had come out to the open.  
She already knew she had guessed it, but it was important that he had told her.  
She cupped his face in her hands – We’ll find a way. I don’t know how but we will together. -  
A smile came to his lips but did not reach his eyes.  
\- What would I do with you? -  
\- No. What would I have done, if you had not found me… again? –  
That morning Cillian forced himself to have a proper breakfast.  
Tara was right not eating was not going to solve his problem or to bring back Philip.  
  
Before going to the hospital there was somewhere else where Kili wanted to go.  
\- I want to find out who is Nick Duront. – he told his girlfriend.  
She looked at him puzzled.  
\- I need to understand what he wanted for my brother… if I can. – he added then.  
\- Do you think the police will help? – she was a bit sceptic since up until then they had not helped much.  
\- It is worth to try. – he said thoughtfully.  
\- We should have taken that kid in Saint-Malo to view the CCTV footage to identify them. -  
\- I am not sure he would have come. He looked terrified. -  
\- Yeah, you are probably right. -

The police officers in Nantes we quite sympathetic once they heard Cillian’s story.  
The fact that they had found two middle-aged ladies at the reception in the police station probably had helped, Tauriel thought.  
  
Nicholas Durnot was a petty criminal, he had been in and out of prison for theft and trespassing and other minor offences.  
Four years before we had been released on bail after being involved in yet one more burglary.  
It was going to be sent to jail for a while once the case was going to get to court.  
Most importantly the authorities had confiscated his passport and stamped his ID so that he could not leave the country.  
Then it all made sense.  
It had just been bad luck. Very bad luck.  
Fili had been the right person in the wrong place.  
Nicholas Duront wanted to leave the country to avoid jail, but he could not do it using his own documents.  
By chance that evening him, and his friends met Philip in the small shop near the ferries’ docks.  
Through the short exchange, he had with the shopkeeper they had learnt that he was going to England.  
He had a ferry ticket and the travelling documents.  
Probably he had been a quick decision, after all he was about the same high and built as the French guy; surely, he was not going to get a better chance than that.  
Once he reached his destination he disposed of the documents on a beach not too far from the port.  
That was where Fili’s documents were found and so everyone thought he had left France and disappeared after reaching the UK.

After finding out yet one more piece of the puzzle they sat for a while just outside the Police Station.  
Kili needed  a little time.  
\- After I’ll find Fi and make sure he is fine; I’ll deal with him. -  
By his deadly tone of voice, Tara did not need to ask to whom he was referring to.  
\- I’ll make sure I’ll take my time with him. – he said as he stood up.  
She had never heard him like that, but she said nothing.  
It was quite upsetting to know that all the grief and sorrow her beloved and his family had to endure was just due to an unfortunate twist of fate.  
_Is there any purpose, any reason in what had happened to them?_  
At Nantes Hospital they waited a long time as there were several emergencies and the doctor, they needed to talk to was very busy.  
It looked nothing like the one they had been in Saint-Malo; the place was huge, and it was really buzzing;  
patients and relatives coming and going, nurses and doctors rushing from one ward to another.  
The doctor finally managed to see them just after two o’clock.  
As doctor Amelie had done before he took them to a private studio.  
Firstly, he examined the letter from his colleague, and he frowned a couple of times while reading it.  
\- It is quite an extraordinary story that you are bringing to me today. – he then said lifting his gaze to the young guy.  
Cillian then told him that they went to the Police Station in the morning and he went on explaining what they had found out.  
He also showed him the passport as he had done before in Saint-Malo.  
\- Quite extraordinary indeed. - The man pondered.  
He spoke in English for Tara’s benefit.  
He had an accent that sort of reminded her of the old Agatha Christies’ movies she used to watch as a child with her father, even though detective Poirot was actually from Belgium, not France.  
\- Let me tell you first that your brother is alive. -  
Those words the literally lifted the poor guy’s heart.  
\- Shall I tell you exactly what happened? -  
\- Please. -  
The man looked concerned, but he continued.  
\- We operated on him twice in here, both operations went well from a medical point of view and he survived. -  
Many questions started to pop up in Kili’s mind, he was really impatient, but he knew he had to let him finish.  
\- However, as you probably already know your brother arrived here in quite a bad shape.  
The fracture in his skull had torn the layers of protective tissues that surround the brain.  
We call them meninges.  
And cerebrospinal fluid had built up in the spaces inside the brain causing increased pressure and swelling in the brain.  
So, we had to operate immediately. -  
Cillian try to listen and understand, he had to. Yet, part of him was trying to pretend that the person the man was talking about was not Fili but someone else.  
Something like that could not have happened, not to his beloved brother.  
\- Then a week after the operation due to the fracture in his head, some bacteria had entered the brain and caused an infection of the meninges and we had to treat it immediately to prevent it from spreading to the rest of the nervous system. -  
The doctor was extremely conscious of the enormity of what he was telling him.  
However, it was his duty to inform the families of any of his patients of their conditions and after all this case was not different from any other.  
\- Once he recovered from the infection, we operate on him again due to more built up of fluid. -  
He paused and Kili took the chance to ask – Did he woke up? -  
The doctor looked the young man straight in the eyes.  
\- You need to understand that brain injuries are quite complex and the effects of a traumatic brain injury on anybody depends on a number of factors.  
His injuries were quite severe. -  
Cillian heart sunk again as he was listening.  
\- The symptoms can be wide-ranging, from physical effects, such as disabilities or cognitive, emotional and behavioural effects such as memory problems and even anger. -  
_What is he trying to tell me?_  
\- Your brother was here for about 3 months in all that time he did not regain consciousness. -  
_Fili._  
\- We had to transfer him to another hospital where they could provide more specific care for his condition. –  
_He never woke up._  
There was a heavy stone on Cillian’s chest, and he seemed to get heavier with every word.  
\- Unfortunately, I don’t know what happened to him. I am sorry but as you can see, we are very busy here.  
All I can do is to assure you is that I do my very best to every single patient. -  
\- Do you think he would… could recover? – the question struggled to come out.  
\- Definitely, he could, whether he did not or not I cannot say. -  
\- Where is he now? –  
\- He was sent to a hospital in Lyon. I’ll write down the address for you and I will write you a letter as my colleague did, just in case you need it. -  
\- Thank you. – he breathed out heavily.  
\- Thanks for your time and patience. -  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
Lyon was a long six hours drive away from Nantes.  
They went back to the hotel to pick their luggage and left immediately.

 _Everything happens for a reason._  
She kept on repeating it like a mantra as they were driving through the French countryside.  
She had kept on repeating it even when her mother was ill.  
However, it did not help much.  
Tara had just to accept that before they made any more progress into finding Fili there were probably going to discover more difficult truths about what had happened to him.  
Her main worry was how all of this was going to affect Cillian.  
She wished she could be enough, do enough to sustain and support him yet again she was not sure.

When they arrived it was quite late, they found a small hotel in the centre as there was no point to go to the hospital then.  
Finally, Cillian was too tired and too exhausted and he just slept.   
However Tauriel was not quite sure for how long he was able to rest, as those days he was always the first one to wake up.  
It was mid-morning when they enter the hospital in Lyon for the first time.  
Tara's boyfriend had a long animated conversation with the nurses but it came to nothing as he was told he had to come back later.  
\- They don't believe me. I feel it. - he told Tauriel.  
\- But you showed them the letter. -  
\- I know and why would I make up such a story? -  
They waited and came back in the afternoon only to be asked to come back the following morning.  
Kili frustration was growing.  
\- If I don't get my answer tomorrow I am going to dismantle this place piece by piece. - He growled as they left the second time.  
Tara was sure that it would have been quite capable of doing it.  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
Eloise was helping a colleague to move a patient to another ward.  
One of the lift was not working so they had to pass by the reception.  
It was annoying but more annoying than that it was the fact that someone was arguing with one of the nurses at the reception.  
She hated when people got impatient with the receptionist.  
_Don't they realize that we are just doing our job here?_  
_Don't they know that we are busy?_  
She could not quite see his face but there was young guy arguing endlessly with the receptionist.  
She snorted and as they were passing and the young man turned around to speak to the tall red-haired girl next to him.  
\- I cannot believe it. These people are driving me mad. Fili might be right here in this hospital and they don't want to help me. - he spoke in English.  
Eloise world shifted.  
_Fili. Did he just say Fili?_  
She stopped and told her colleague to continue on her own.  
_Did he really say Fili?_  
_It's not possible._

The nurse walked to Cillian with a bewildered expression.  
_It’s not possible. It cannot be._  
Kili was still talking quite animatedly to Tauriel and he had not noticed her approach at all.  
She tapped gently on his shoulder.  
\- Excuse me… sorry, do you speak French? – she said in English with a very heavy accent.  
She knew he spoke French she had just heard him arguing with the receptionist.  
\- I do. -  
They both looked at each other quite puzzled.  
_Who is this lady now?_  
\- Are you … I mean is ... - she could not believe she was asking that question -  
\- I... Is your name Kili? –  
His face became literally the picture of shock.  
No one had ever called him with that name, except for Tara, especially not a stranger.  
The question that followed shocked him even more.  
\- Are you Fili’s brother? -  
All Tauriel got out of that conversation were their names but she needed nothing else.  
Seeing her boyfriend face she quickly replied in his place.  
– I am sorry I don’t speak French, but we are looking for his brother Philip. -  
Cillian was still staring at the nurse.  
\- Philip? – the lady repeated the name.  
_Of course. Sure. Fili name must be Philip… why I never thought about it?_  
Tara grabbed Fili’s passport from his hands to show it to the lady.  
The expression of the nurse then matched perfectly with Cillian’s one.  
_Oh, God! Oh, God! He is his brother and he is real_.  
Kili managed somehow to recover.  
\- Yes, we are looking for my brother Philip. It’s a complicated story but I have been looking for him since he went missing 4 years ago.  
My name is Cillian. – he said, in the knowledge that the lady standing in front of him knew his brother.  
Eloise was still holding the passport, looking at the picture, then looking at the dark-haired guy in front of her, then back to the passport.  
_Kili is real_.  
\- Oh, God! - she finally let out.  
\- I cannot believe it. Please, please wait for me here. -  
Suddenly her brain was working in hyper-mode.  
She needed to tell Freda.  
She needed to keep them there. She could not lose Kili now.  
\- Please wait for me here. -  
They both nodded still quite surprised.  
\- Do not move. -  
Eloise nearly bumped into a patient as she kept on walking with her head turned, still looking at Fili's brother.  
She simply could not believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it. Please let me know what you think.  
> Most importantly you know what is going to happen in the next chapter... :)  
> and still there will be more surprises. ;)


	12. Precious special friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally Kili has found Freda and Eloise and they have really a lot to talk about.  
> But there are other 'things' on the move as you soon will find out.  
> Claire has plans for John and Veon gets a very unexpected call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally I have managed to post another chapter.  
> Progress his slow :( I wish I had more time for this.  
> I was meant to get the boys reunited by the end of this chapter but I did not managed.  
> I did not want to rush the encounter with the ladies, they are both very important to Fili and they are an essential part of the story.  
> Hope you like it and next time Kili will find Fili.  
> Finally thanks for all the kudos and the comments.

There is nothing I wouldn’t do for those who are really my friends.  
I have no notion of loving people by halves; it is not my nature.  
-Jane Austen - Northanger Abbey -

Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain.   
It’s not something you learn in school.   
But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.  
\- Muhammad Ali -

========================================================

Eloise had never run faster in her whole life.  
Fili’s brother, the brother that they always thought was just imaginary… he was there.  
Kili existed.  
She felt so terribly guilty for every time she told him that he did not.  
Thoughts spiralled in her head as she ran.  
How many times did he tell her he had a brother?  
How many stories did he tell her about his brother?  
More than that, Kili looked exactly as Fili had described him.  
Her heart was in her throat as she was running up the stairs two by two.  
She could not just wait for the lift, she had to run.  
And Fili was a Philip; well they had already worked out that he was not Nick.  
Her brain was running even faster than her legs.  
Thoughts, memories of her friend and all his crazy stories… there was actually some truth in them.  
She stopped at the top of the stairs to quickly catch her breath and then she ran straight down the long corridor.  
  
OOOOOO  
  
Freda was terribly annoyed.  
\- Nora, I HAVE told you it was one evening and you promised! –  
\- I did and it went so well. -  
\- For you, it was not exactly the same for me! –  
\- Come on! Don’t lie I saw you kissing. -  
\- He tried to kiss me, but I did not kiss him back. –  
\- Why would you not allowed nature to take his course? Let yourself fall in love? Is it so bad? -  
_I am in love but now with him_.  
That’s was what she wanted to scream at Nora, but she knew she would not understand, and it did not matter.  
She did not care if she could not see him, if he was miles away if it was already 2 years… it did not matter.  
\- I don’t like Thomas. -  
\- He likes you and he will come to look for you any time today. He is working you know. -  
\- And I will send him away. And by the way, since when are you keeping track of his schedule? -  
Nora rolled her eyes. – You are impossible. I am trying to help you. -

Freda was tidying up the trolley with all the medication and all she wanted was for her friend to go away so that she could concentrate.  
Nora turned around to grab a second trolley when at the end of the corridor she saw him.  
\- Talking of the devil. – she pinched Freda.  
\- Nora enough! – she said as her gaze fell on the young man in a white apron approaching.  
_Not him now._  
He flashed a confident smile.  
\- Hi Nora, hi Freda. -  
\- Hi. – the dark-haired girl answered with a big smile.  
\- Would you girls like to join me for a coffee in the cafeteria downstairs? -  
Nora was very quick to answer – I cannot but Freda has finished her trolley… -  
The other girl’s patience was running thin.  
\- I’m sorry I am still busy Thomas. – _You will get the message eventually_.  
\- Maybe later? Or what time do you take your lunch? –  
Before she could add anything everyone turned and so did, she.  
  
Eloise came running completely out of breath.  
\- You’ll never believe what happened. – she said catching her breath.  
\- Are you ok Eloise? - the lady completely ignored Nora.  
\- Kili is here. – she was still breathing heavily.  
\- Ki… what? -  
\- Kili is here. – she added staring at Freda's incredulous face.  
\- I mean Fili's Kili is here. -  
\- Kili? – Finally, Freda was really listening.  
\- I mean Fili's brother. -  
\- Fili's? – she breathed out the name she had not used in a long time.  
\- Yes, Fili's brother is here. -  
\- Here? -  
\- Yes, downstairs. -  
\- Are... are you sure? -  
\- I am. -  
\- His brother? -  
\- In flash and bones. -  
\- You are not making this up? – _God, please tell me that this is true._  
\- No, of course not. The guy his here and he looks exactly as Fili had described him. –  
  
Freda left everything, Nora, the trolley, Thomas.  
She could sort of hear them in the background, but they did not matter anymore.  
  
OOOOOOOOOOO  
  
Kili and Tauriel looked at each other for a couple of minutes still in shock but they did not move an inch from where the chubby nurse had left them.  
\- Could you please tell me what had just happened? – he finally asked.  
\- My love, I suggest that when she comes back, we say as little as possible and we let her talk. -  
He nodded. Probably for the first time since she knew him, someone had left her prince totally speechless.  
\- She knows your brother… maybe she even knows where he is now. -  
\- I know, I know. – the poor guy was trying to make sense of it in his head.  
\- She called me Kili. Tauriel she called me Kili?! -  
Tara smiled wildly looking at her boyfriend astonished expression.  
\- That can mean only one thing… - he finally got there before she could finish, and his grin matched hers.  
\- Fili is awake! -  
Still many questions remained.  
However before they could add another word, they spotted the nurse coming back with someone else and if they were surprised before they were just in for a second shock.  
  
\- Little Sigrid… - he murmured and then he just froze.  
\- Like I said not a word, let them talk. – Tauriel whispered but her boyfriend merely managed to nod.  
\- And please look normal. -  
_Look normal? What’s normal now?_  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Claire was ready.  
She had combed her shiny hairs in a tight plait.  
She was wearing dark clothing and a dark cap.  
The blond girl needed to be inconspicuous, invisible... she wanted nobody to notice her.  
Staring back at the reflection in the mirror she smiled pleased.  
_Let's go hunting._  
It had been a long time... a very, very long time.  
John was soon to turn from predator to pray.  
She was going to be the hunter now... she loved it!  
She liked the thrill.  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Freda’s eyes caught the dark-haired guy as soon as he was in sight and never left him while she rushed down the corridor.  
_Kili... Fili's Kili..._  
The guy starring back at her matched perfectly the description...  
She could still hear his words in her head.  
Fili’s voice was like liquid gold in her memories.  
\- Kili, his name is Kili...  
...he is nothing like me, he has my mum's dark hair and my dad's dark eyes.  
He is quite good looking. The girls think is a charmer.  
...He is a reckless fool, with a heart of gold...  
... Kili has this special way... I don't know how to explain it...  
...The best thing is that he always gets me, we don't need words. -  
_Fili._  
His face lit up whenever he talked about him.  
  
For a second, they just stared at each other knowing that the only link between them was Fili.  
Everything was speeding so fast around them in the bright reception hall, the doctors, the patients and their families.  
Everyone was in a hurry to get somewhere and yet everything was still between them.  
She spoke first.  
She took a deep breath and then said.  
\- Hi, I ... my name is Freda and I used to be Fili's nurse... I mean Philip, Philip’s nurse. -  
It felt so strange, to sum up, their relationship like that; yet she did not know what else to say.  
So much time had passed. What was she now to Fili?  
_It is easier this way… it’s been so long since I last seen him._  
He said nothing.  
Eloise had not been quite as fast as her younger friend and by the time she reached them she was puffing heavily, completely out of breath.  
The guy and the girl were just staring at the young woman... more ogling maybe.  
Then the red-haired girl poked him - Show her the passport. -  
He nodded.  
Once more he pulled out the document and handed it to her at the picture page.  
Her hands were shaking a little, she was very conscious of that and yet it did not matter.  
Her Fili seemed slightly younger in that picture.  
His name was Philip T. Durnin and he was born on 1st December in Charlton, London.  
He came from the UK.  
In less than a second, she had found out so much.  
She had learnt those practical facts that he had never been able to tell her as he could not recall them.  
Once she lifted her gaze the guy finally spoke.  
\- My name is Cillian and Philip is my brother. I came here with my girlfriend Tara, to look for him. He went missing about 4 years ago. -  
He was Philp's brother, she could not doubt it for a second.  
However, too many questions were screaming in her head.  
_What took you so long?_  
_Where were you people all this time?_  
_Why you did not come sooner?_  
_Why did you leave him all alone?_  
_What happened to Fili before he got to the hospital?_  
_Who did hurt him? Do you know?_  
They kept on coming at random _._  
_Are you from the UK, then?_  
_Do you live in France?_  
_How come do you speak French so well?_  
… and many more…  
But like Eloise before, she stared at passport and back at the young man in front of her.  
Finally, she took one more deep breath to hold back all the memories of her sweet Fili.  
\- He always talked about you. He told us so much about you that … when I saw you, I knew it was you. – there was so much emotion in her words.  
_She was not just his nurse_. He just knew it.  
\- It’s just that we could not believe him… I mean we should have but we couldn’t with all his crazy stories.  
How could we know what was real and what wasn’t? – finally, Eloise had caught her breath.  
Both ladies were talking in the past tense and that worried Cillian very much.  
\- Is… is my brother alive? – hi finally asked.  
His hands were shaking slightly and his voice almost broke.  
Freda struggled to hold the tears that were rising in her eyes; while Eloise felt so sorry for the poor guy that she wrapped her arm around him.  
– Oh, my poor boy, don’t worry he is alive. He is just not here in the hospital at the moment.  
They moved him to another facility. -  
Kili took a deep breath.  
\- Where? -  
\- It is quite far from here, up North. We will tell you…but we have much to talk. Oh, you don’t know just how happy we are to have you here. -  
Freda just nodded, her emotion was visible.  
\- Me too. I… I am just quite confused… surprised, I guess… I did not expect it. I mean I did not expect… you. -  
Looking at three very bewildered young faces Eloise said – We need time but not now. We need to get back to work before someone comes looking for us.  
Are you staying somewhere in town? -  
He just nodded.  
Almost as if someone had heard her, a voice called them.  
It sounded quite far but it was getting closer.  
\- Just go, get your things and come back in 2 hours. I’ll finish my shifts then. You’ll stay at my place tonight. -  
\- But… - Cillian was quite surprised.  
\- No but, like I’ve said we really have a lot to talk about. – she quickly cut him off.  
\- And the doctors? Are we not going to talk to them? – Tauriel tried.  
\- The doctors here won’t help you. -  
\- What? Why? – Kili’s face clouded.  
\- It’s a long story that we will tell you later. -  
Eloise grabbed Freda, they were in a hurry.  
\- I… -  
\- Later my boy. – she told him much like she would have done with Fili.  
Somehow after hearing about him so much she felt she knew him too.

The two women hurried back where they came from before anyone could reach them.  
\- Eloise, I finish my shift at eight tonight. -  
\- Oh no, you don’t. Not today. -  
\- But I… -  
\- Don’t worry I’ll make sure you finish in two hours. We cannot lose those two. -  
She said as she walked as fast as she could while her brain was still spinning faster than her legs.  
  
The two nurses had left them at the entrance still wondering what had just happened.  
Most of the conversation had been in French and Tara had managed to catch only a few words.  
\- What do we do now? What have they told you? –  
\- We go back to the hotel, get our stuff and come back in 2 hours. -  
His girlfriend's face was demanding an explanation.  
\- The lady has invited us to stay with her. -  
\- And Fili? -  
He sighed. – Not here but he is ok, I hope. -  
\- He told them his name was Fili… - she pointed out.  
\- He must have…-  
\- and he told them yours is Kili. -  
\- Apparently, he talked a lot about me that’s how they ‘know’ me. -  
She smiled warmly – I am not surprised. -  
They left and went back to the hotel.  
  
OOOOOOOOOOO  
  
They were back in less than 2 hours; so, they sat at the small cafeteria within the hospital from where they could see the reception.  
Cillian was literally counting the seconds.  
\- Please stop checking the time, you are making me anxious. – _or rather driving me insane_.  
Tauriel snorted.  
\- Sorry, I can’t help it. – he said munching on a chocolate bar.  
With is gaze fixed on the clock hanged on the wall he said.  
\- Sigrid doesn’t know. -  
\- Definitely not. -  
He pondered on her words.  
\- She did not remember… yet Fili knows… - he was merely voicing his thoughts almost if that would have helped him to work out what happened.  
He, sort of, had an idea but really, he wanted to hear what the two ladies had to say.  
\- We will find out soon enough. -  
\- True. It’s just so strange that of all the people in the world she had to be his nurse. -  
\- Do you really find it so strange? – she asked in an alluring tone while she entwined her finger with his, prompting him to look away from the clock.  
Looking into her eyes he still struggled to believe how things had turned and yet he was sure there were going to be more surprises.  
Then they saw them just walking across the entrance and they waved.

Eloise had managed to get Freda to finish early.  
The girl did not even want to know what her friend told to the head of the ward to get her to leave that early.  
\- Please, Freda, do not mention the mental facility straight away. -  
The older nurse said, while Cillian’s car was following right behind theirs.  
\- Why? -  
\- I don’t want to alarm him. Have you seen how worried he was?  
Besides there is so much that we need to find out. -  
\- Do you want to keep it from him? -  
\- No, I just don’t want to tell him how bad the situation is as soon as we walk through the front door. This matter needs to be handled with tact. -  
\- I don’t know Eloise. Honestly, my mind is all over the place now. -  
\- Trust me. -  
Freda just nodded remembering Kili concern and his relieved face once they told him that his brother was alive.

It was early afternoon when they arrived at a small but cosy stone house with dark green shutters and a small garden surrounding it.  
The entrance had an arched doorway with a small rooftop.  
  
Once more, before they left the car Tauriel reminded him.  
\- Let them talk. -  
\- I know, I know. – he snorted - You are right, but I have so many questions. -  
\- Just bite your tongue a little longer, my love. –  
\- And do you think it is easy? -  
\- No definitely not. – a cheeky smirk appeared on her face as she leaned in for a quick kiss.

The inside of Eloise’s home was a wide-ranging collection of many mismatch items.  
It almost seemed as if someone had run a boot fair and then had decided to store all the items in the house without any specific order.  
Yet, somehow it all worked together.  
– Stefan? – Freda asked as they walked through the door.  
\- At school, they’ll bring him back around six. -  
Then she turned around to her guests that were looking at bit bewilder by the eclectic ensemble laid before their eyes.  
\- Stefan is my son. – She clarified – He will get home from school in the evening. -  
She was happy that their attention was completely taken by the interior of her home.  
\- Sit down and make yourself at home. – she said with a smile.  
She then took Freda with her to the kitchen where they quickly set the table.  
It did not take them long, and nice aroma of home cooked food filled the air.

\- I bet you had no food. -  
\- We… - Cillian tried to say as his many questions were demanding answers.  
Yet again she cut him off.  
\- Come on. – she practically pushed them into the kitchen.  
Eloise’s table was a feast to the eyes.  
They could not quite work out how she had managed that so quickly.  
For the first time in days, Tara’s boyfriend realized that he was hungry.  
Finally knowing that his brother was alive and that he was going to see him soon had melted away the tight knot in his stomach, and now it was mainly curiosity driving him.  
He desperately needed to know what had happened to Fili from the moment he woke up.  
  
– Come on! - Their host said once more - Help yourself and we’ll tell you about Fili… I mean Philip. -  
\- Fili is fine. – he said still studying the two ladies while generally trying to work out the whole situation.  
Eloise motioned again for both her guests to sit at the table and so they did.  
She then began to tell them Fili’s story; how nearly 4 years before he was put in her care once he arrived at the hospital.  
She talked about his condition upon arrival, his gradual improvements until the day he woke up a month later.  
She explained in detail all it took for Philip to 'come back to life'.  
He had to learn everything almost from scratch, to move, to talk, to eat, to walk... they listen attentively.  
\- You can imagine my surprise when he told me that his name was Fili and not Nick and he insisted so much about it. - she told him as she remembered her friend.  
Freda, that had been listening quietly up until then, entered the conversation.  
– He told us so many unbelievable stories and with so much detail, about travels, family, friends, places he visited … a battle. He was so accurate. -  
Kili closed his eyes and sighed.  
He understood, finally he got the whole picture.  
His brother had completely forgotten their present life. His last memory was the battlefield surrounded by enemies.  
_How scared and confused you must have been my poor Fi_.  
The blow to the head had whipped out everything.  
His brother did not know who he was and so, everyone believed he was Nick nobody tried to look for his real family.  
He sighed again.  
Yet, he felt that he had to say something to the two ladies sitting right in front of him… … he had to give them an explanation… something credible.  
\- It was a game… A game we used to play as kids… We used to imagine those stories. – well, it was not exactly a lie, it was what he used to believe before.  
\- He must have forgotten everything else. Our home, our family... everything. - he added.  
\- Amnesia is common with head injuries – Eloise said – And especially with his kind of injuries.  
Cillian nodded still pondering about what he had found out.  
Then he turned to look at Tauriel’s confused expression and he told her everything.

\- Are you from England, then? – Freda asked in English once he had finished.  
She had so many questions for him, but she did not want to leave Tara completely out of the conversation.  
\- Yes, we are from London. -  
\- Fili spoke French so well... we never questioned where he was from... and you too... I mean you speak it very well. -  
\- Well, we have lived in different places. -  
Seeing their puzzled faces he felt the need to elaborate a bit.  
\- We grew up in London then we moved to Ireland when our parents divorced, I was about 8 and Fili was 11.  
Our father is from there. His mother, my grandmother lived in a huge house and she left it to us, so we moved in there with my mum.  
After a while, our dad moved to France and so we started to go to visit him.  
My stepmother is French, and she taught us the language.  
Then when we were teenagers, we moved to Britany to stay with them. We spent about two years there before moving back to the UK to study at University. -  
\- I knew he was a clever guy! - Eloise said out loud in French while her friend just nodded trying to digest all the information.  
Kili smiled at her comment.  
\- What did Philip study? - Freda was curious.  
\- Finance. He was studying for a master. He got his degree while we were here in France. -  
The two ladies looked at each other.  
\- I knew he could not be Nick! – the French lady let out once more.  
Cillian looked surprised.  
\- We care for your brother very much and we did try to reach out to someone, we looked for his family and what we found out about Nicholas Duront did not match Fili at all.  
We suspected he was someone else, but we didn't know even where to start searching. - the young nurse explained.  
He nodded. It was not their fault if things went the way they did, and he was merely glad that his brother had met them.  
  
Cillian spent the afternoon answering all Philip's friends’ questions and entertaining them with his stories while complementing Eloise's cooking.  
They loved to listen to him and his family tales.  
Tara's was quite pleased, her boyfriend appeared more relaxed.  
It looked like some of his tension had evaporated away.  
Even his appetite had returned and with vengeance, it seemed.  
He had shown them some of the pictures he had on his mobile and Freda did the same.  
Kili was just happy to see some ‘fairly recent’ pictures of his brother, alive and well.  
Then something caught his attention.  
\- This picture... the painting, my father did it. -  
\- What? - they looked at each other, they were both so surprised.  
\- My dad is an artist. He paints, he creates metal sculptures and jewellery. -  
Tauriel smiled, his words brought her back to the day they met.  
\- Oh my God! – everything started to make much more sense for Freda too.  
Her boyfriend’s brother was helping her to finally solve the puzzle.  
\- I am sorry? -  
\- Fili was always interested in art I brought him some art books and I got him this picture from an art fair that was in town in the summer.  
He spent hours looking at it. - the curly brown girl could not believe it.  
\- ... like he knew... - she added in a whisper.  
A sad smile appeared on Cillian's face.  
_If only he had remembered, then..._  
\- They are all artist. - Tara said enthusiastically.  
She took out her mobile to show them the pictures of the graffiti in Brick Lane and some pictures from their studio back at their dad's place.  
She also showed them some of Veon’s pieces.  
The two ladies were completely mesmerized.  
Freda was speechless but no one really noticed as all attention was on Cillian.  
\- You are two artists as well, and good ones if you don’t mind me saying. – Eloise was so happy that she almost forgot where poor Philip had ended up.  
Kili talked to them a little longer but then his eyes began to feel heavy.  
All the excitement, the news that his brother was alive, that he had woken up and that he was ‘more or less’ doing well, had made all the tension that he had accumulated go away. The fact that probably he was going to reunite with him pretty soon had finally started to sink in.  
\- _I will help Fi to remember and it all will be ok. He will be fine once I get to him_. -  
Eloise told him to go and rest on the sofa while she was going to make some coffee but by the time it was ready Cillian as already fast asleep.

OOOOOOOO

Tauriel had studied very well both women throughout the afternoon and although some things were lost in translation, she was very good at reading what they did not say.  
While her boyfriend was asleep, she decided to ask them a very direct question.  
\- What’s wrong with Philip? -  
She looked at them straight in the eyes giving them no room to manoeuvre.  
\- Wrong? – Eloise did not expect it.  
She could see on their faces that they were trying to come up with a good answer.  
\- Look he is asleep… please tell me. -  
Freda gaze fell on the table, she could not lift her eyes.  
They had to tell her.  
Eloise put her arm around Freda and pulled her close.  
\- Come on girl… now we got help and somehow everything will be fine. -  
Then she told Tara everything about the mental facility where Fili had been sent and about the two times they got to see him.  
The red-haired girl was absolutely appalled.  
She looked towards her boyfriend peacefully asleep on the sofa.  
_My poor love. How are you going to take this?_  
She also figured out by what they told her that probably by the time they would have been able to reach Philip things were going to be even worse.  
Seeing her worried face Eloise brought her hand across the table and put it on hers.  
\- Don’t worry, I’ll talk to him. – she sighed – in my job I had to bring worse news to people than this. –  
Tara shook her head.  
The two ladies clearly understood how close the brothers were, yet they did not know.  
She deliberated a second and then decided to tell them what happened to Kili when Fili disappeared.  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
It was the beginning of June and the days were bright and long.  
Veon had worked nearly all day at the furnace and he was quite tired.  
He had welcomed the evening meal that Mireille had prepared for him with a big smile, but he had declined the desert she had offered once he had finished all his food.  
He needed an ice-cold beer at the end of that long but very productive day.  
  
He was just strolling from the kitchen back to the patio in the garden where his lady was waiting for him when his mobile rang.  
His eyes fell on the display almost accidentally, he was so sure that it was his son calling at that time that he was not even going to check.  
But it was not. _Deirdre._  
He wondered why she was calling him.  
He let the mobile ring.  
\- Are you going to answer or not? -  
\- It’s Deirdre. –  
\- Are you not going to answer her then? -  
The mobile had stopped ringing.  
\- Why is she ringing me? -  
\- Well, you won’t find out if you do not answer her, do you? -  
She delicately took another scoop of her ice cream.  
\- Or were you hoping that I have the answer for you? -  
He narrowed his eyes, she probably was more curious than him… or maybe she knew.  
_No, you are just playing with me, clever woman._  
\- And if you knew would you tell me?  
She smiled mischievously and took yet another scoop of ice-cream.  
_And I am a poor fool that let you play._  
He smiled back at her.  
The mobile rang again.  
\- So? -  
He looked at the display and snorted getting ready for a conversation he already knew he did not want to have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it and thanks to everyone that will leave a comment or a Kudo. :)  
> I know that probably it seems a bit unfair from Eloise to keep the whole truth from Kili but she is understood very well how worried and unsettled he is when it comes to Fili.


	13. First Sight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we are finally... Kili lays eyes on his brother after nearly 4 years.  
> However Kili sees Fili but poor Fili does not see his younger brother.  
> Also right at the end there is a surprise... someone else, someone very important is about to enter this story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long :(  
> I just needed to get this chapter right and I am not sure I managed.  
> So many things happening, so many difficult emotions and too many ideas in my head.  
> It was quite difficult to squeeze everything in one chapter, yet I could not delay anymore it was time for Kili to find Fili.  
> It took me so long also because I have started to write something else that I had in my head for while.  
> Not sure how I will manage to write two stories at the same time, but I could not keep it in my head any longer.  
> So if you like check it... it is meant to be the prequel to my first story. Hope you like it and hope you like this chapter.  
> Let me know what you think. Thanks for all kudos and comments :)

It was the early morning sun that woke up Cilllian.  
A naughty sunray kept on playing on his face until his eyes opened.  
He had not had a night without dreams in a long time.  
He had not slept that much in a long time. He needed it.  
He blinked a couple of times before realizing that he was in Eloise’s guest room.  
Tara was peacefully asleep next to him.  
He did not want to wake her up, so he stayed there for a long while indulging in the moment, just looking at her heavenly face.  
_You are my angel… my perfectly beautiful angel_.  
He heard Eloise when she woke up and he waited patiently until the sweet aroma of the coffee reached him from the kitchen.  
He moved gently, however Tauriel would not have woken so easily, as she was too deeply asleep.  
She had stayed up till late the night before talking to the ladies.

\- Good morning Eloise. - he said as he entered the kitchen.  
The lady smiled warmly – Ah, the scent of my coffee woke you up. -  
He grinned – How do you know? -  
\- Oh, I know so many things about you. -  
_Fi?_  
\- Philip? -  
She just nodded.  
\- He said you cannot live without coffee. -  
He smiled again – Pretty much true. -  
She put in front of him a plate full of cakes, then another one some with biscuits, then few small yoghurts and some fruits.  
_The perfect breakfast._  
Kili’s stomach grumbled in response.  
– Coffee and biscuits… I cannot live without coffee and biscuits. -  
Eloise laughed.  
As she watched him eat She felt slightly guilty, she knew what was going to come.  
Yet, she did not let him see it as she casted that thought aside.  
She wanted to make sure that he had a good breakfast first.  
\- So, you had your beauty sleep? - she asked.  
\- Yes, I slept like a baby. Thank you. – he replied as he sank his teeth in one of the cakes.  
While her guest was enjoying his breakfast, her son walked into the room.  
He looked at the stranger but said nothing.  
\- Good morning Stefan. – his mother greeted him, but he did not answer.  
He kept on staring at the stranger.  
\- This is Cillian. He is a friend. -  
\- Good morning. – Kili greeted him as well.  
Stefan did not reply, and he did not want even to sit at the table.  
\- Shall I go and sit somewhere else? – Cillian asked sensing that he was the problem.  
\- Don’t worry. Stefan is autistic he takes his time to deal with new people. -  
Kili just nodded, he did not quite know what answer. He just felt sorry for them.  
He really liked Eloise, she was such a good person, warm and caring.  
Stefan went to the other room and came back with his rucksack and he began to remove some of the items that were inside.  
His mother's guest studied him a little.  
They boy left some highlighters and a notepad on the table.  
Cillian grabbed them quickly and the kid shouted.  
He had touched his possessions and he did not like it.  
That did not stop Cillian.  
The young guest wrote "good morning" using all the colours he had grabbed.  
He kept on drawing on the letters elaborating them, embellishing them adding details.  
In a few seconds, he had managed to capture the whole of Stefan attention.  
Then he pushed the paper and the pens back to the boy.  
\- Good morning. - he said with a smile.  
Eloise's son took the pens and on another piece of paper, he copied what Kili had drawn, replicating it to exact perfection.  
Stefan pushed the paper back again across the table.  
\- Wow. - the dark-haired guy smiled pleasantly surprised.  
\- Good morning. - the boy said.  
Eloise smiled happily looking at them amazed by how quickly Fili's brother had managed to get her son’s response.  
Stefan had autism, little social skills and he generally tended to ignore people.  
Once more Philip words came back to her.  
_Kili has this special way... he doesn't go unnoticed_.  
With his brother there she felt Fili's missing presence even more.  
_My poor boy, you were right and we have never really believed you..._  
Soon she would have to tell him. She sighed.  
\- Come on Stefan! Put everything back in your rucksack. The bus will be here soon. -  
\- The bus comes at 7.30 every morning. - he replied to her.  
\- Yes, it does. Come on Cillian will be here when you come back. -  
\- Cillian will be here when you come back. - he repeated twice.  
\- He really likes you. - she whispered to her guest.  
  
Stefan was off to school and then it was time for Eloise to talk to a Cillian.  
He had a good breakfast and he was sitting at the table happily drinking his second coffee.  
_This won’t be easy._  
She started to talk while she was tidying up around the kitchen, that was going to make it easier for her, she hoped.  
\- You see, I wanted to bring your brother here to live with us... -  
– Here? - Kili was not quite sure he understood so he let her talk.  
\- … yes, there was nobody else around for him. We didn’t know he had a family that was looking for him. – she was searching for the right words.  
\- We tried very hard believe me… - she was desperately trying to find the best way to break the news to him.  
_There is not a good way to tell you. I am sorry but it will hurt anyway_.  
\- They could not keep him at the hospital forever at a certain point they were going to discharge him. –  
\- Sorry, they were going to discharge him? Why didn’t they? – he had the awful feeling that whatever she was going to tell him next, it was not going to be good.  
His eyes followed the lady as she moved around the kitchen.  
\- The problem was that he kept on saying that he was not Nick and he kept on believing his impossible stories.  
He didn’t know who he was, and nobody was coming forward to take him home except for Freda and me. –  
\- He was just confused you said… - Poor Kili started to feel a bit lost himself.  
_Where is this conversation going?_  
\- Yes, he was. I am sure that if they gave him just a couple of more months...  
believe me, he was getting better every day... but he just could not remember…  
so, to them, to the doctors at the hospital, he was not totally sound in his mind.  
That's why they did not release him in my care and that's why, unfortunately, Stefan's father did not want him around his kid. –  
Something bad was coming. He knew.  
He had got so used to the sound of bad news that he was able to feel them from the distance.  
\- Where is Fili now? – there was an urgency in his voice that she did not like.  
Eloise did not answer his question.  
\- Your brother had never been a danger to himself or anybody else.  
We knew. The doctors knew.  
Yet, he did not know who he was and at times he was still confused.  
The Psychiatric Unit in the hospital evaluated him…  
I don’t know, I think there was something wrong in the whole thing. -  
_Psychiatric Unit?_  
The bad feeling that was growing inside him was conquering more ground.  
_No, this is not right._  
\- Are you telling me that they thought my brother was crazy? -  
The lady took a deep breath. She was no longer tidying up. She just sat in front of him.  
\- I am really sorry… They deemed Philip as not mentally stable and in need of special care so they sent him to a Psychiatric facility in Molsheim, in Southern Alsace. –  
Cillian face sank, and she stopped as she could not just take in his pain.  
Besides, she knew there was more to come.  
\- And they would not let him go with you? -  
\- No, my boy and believe me, God knows if we have tried. -  
\- How long ago was this? -  
\- More than two years ago. -  
\- He has been in there all this time... -  
She nodded but he was not really asking.  
Poor Kili was just struggling to believe…  
how could anybody think that his brother was a madman?  
\- Have you got news from him since… - his voice fell.  
\- We went to visit him. – Eloise wished his gaze moved somewhere else.  
She could not stand his searching eyes as she knew she could bring only more sorrow.  
\- Twice. -  
She stopped again as she wanted to tell him in a less painful way.  
\- And? – he prompted her. – Please tell it as it is… I need to know. – he sighed.  
He did. He needed to know and she knew that, yet she could not help the sense of guilt that was eating her inside for bringing him such news.  
She remembered Philip’s words when she still thought that Kili was just a product of his imagination.  
– … _My brother is like that, you’ll see when you'll met him you cannot help yourself but to like him_ … -  
\- _You were damn right, Fili_. – she thought.  
It had taken just one afternoon, no actually only a few hours, of his continue chatter for Eloise to grow fond of the younger brother.  
She then took a deep breath and told him exactly what had happened during their visits.  
As he had asked, she spared him nothing.  
Once she finished there was silence for a long time.  
_Poor Fi, you had done nothing to deserve all of this…_  
_… but after all, what have we ever done to deserve what had befallen us…_  
The young guy’s eyes were following the pattern of the tablecloth just trying to make sense of everything she had told him.  
\- You don’t think that I can just go to that place, walk in, show them his passport and get him out. Do you? – he finally lifted his gaze to her.  
\- I wish it was possible. You are his brother, you definitely have better chances than us.  
However, be prepared. -  
\- I will get him out of that place. I will get him back whatever it takes. – he sounded so determined and there was a hint of rage in his words, yet his eyes remained sad.  
All the mirth, that had animated them while he was sharing his stories the day before, was gone.  
\- I know you will. – she put her hand on his.  
– I have no doubt but remember that you can count on us. We never wanted to leave Philip alone. –  
He nodded - I know. -  
He then went to search his jacket pockets.  
\- Do you mind if I go outside? – he was waving a packet of cigarettes when he returned to the kitchen.  
Eloise was still sitting at the table lost in her thoughts.  
She turned to him. – Actually, I’ll come with you if you don’t mind. –  
He shrugged and offered her a cigarette and she took it.  
\- I don’t smoke – she clarified - I just need one now. -  
\- No need to explain with me. I don’t smoke either. – he gave her half a smile.  
  
Once he smoked the cigarette, he quickly lit up another one.  
Eloise was nearly at the end of her one when she told him.  
\- Freda and your brother were quite close, you know? -  
\- I think I had worked it out. – he smiled.  
She was quite impressed.  
He shrugged – I had a feeling and I know my brother. -  
The woman nodded – She does love him deeply and losing him had hurt her profoundly. – she hesitated.  
\- You should know that shortly after they took Philip away her mother died. -  
His dark eyes were lost in the blue sky as he brought back the white tab to his mouth.  
\- The poor woman had been ill for a while and unfortunately, she passed away at worst time… not that there is ever a right time. –  
\- Yes, there isn’t. – that gave him something else to think about and for a while, they were quiet again.  
_My poor Fi._  
Kili was just trying to hold his thoughts together.  
He was not going to let them down. He was not going to let Fili down.  
_Whatever it takes_. He had to get to his brother.

So many things had happened since they arrived in France.  
He always had wanted to know, yet he had always been afraid of it and it seemed he had been right all along. His fears had become reality.  
He knew that if he let his mind free to indulge in what he had found out, he would be overwhelmed.  
He had to focus.  
Eloise was going to go back inside but he stopped her.  
\- Back at the hospital, you said that the doctors were not going to help us. –  
She nodded.  
\- Why? -  
Once more she pondered, carefully editing what she was about to tell him.  
\- I might be wrong but from the moment they had started to talk about the mental facility, it seemed that the decision was already taken and that it was irreversible.  
Trying to keep him with us has been like talking to a wall, nobody wanted hear us. -  
Kili listened still quite lost in his thoughts.

Eloise was back in the kitchen when Freda came downstairs.  
\- Good morning. -  
\- Good morning. -  
The young woman looked at the breakfast display on the table.  
\- Has he already woken up? -  
Her friend nodded.  
\- Have you told him? -  
She nodded again.  
\- He is sulking outside, going through his packet of cigarettes as I would go through a packet of crisps. - she answered before she got asked any more questions.  
Freda sighed.  
\- Well, I did not expect any better... it is a lot to take in. -  
The young woman nodded.  
She grabbed a coffee and few biscuits and went outside.

\- Morning. - Kili greated Freda as she sat next to him.  
\- Good morning. - she tried to smile.  
\- Does this bother you? - he ask ready to estinguish his cigarette.  
\- No. - _I bet Fili will not like it if he sees you smoking._  
She looked down a the many cigarettes' butts on the ground and she thought about what Tara had told them the night before.  
_I am sorry_ she wanted to say but he spoke first.  
\- I am sorry... about your mum. Eloise told me. -  
\- She was very ill. - her mum, Fili, sadness was growing inside.  
\- I feel a bit like an idiot right now. I mean, you lost your mum and Philip had been take away all the same time and you had to deal with it...  
I... I just lost my brother and not really... 'cos he is alive.  
I mean I always knew he was alive, I just need to go and rescue him... -  
She smiled holding the tears.  
\- You are not an idiot. Philip is very important to you, I understand. - she took a deep breath.   
Fili was so important to her too.  
\- He dissapeared suddenly, you didn't know what happened to him... -  
He smiled back - Thanks for making me feel like I am not such an idiot. -  
His warm smiled made her feel like there was hope for Philip...for her and him maybe.  
She wanted to believe that everything was going to get better.  
Yet, looking at the perfect summer sky she felt she missed her beloved Fili even more.  
_Do you still remember me? Do you still think about me?_  
They sat for a while in silence and Cillian did not take another cigarette out of the nearly empty packet.  
\- Your are very strong. Stronger than you think. - he whisper to her as he stood up to go inside.  
She sat there for another while still desperately holding her tears.

Cillian found Tara in the kitchen chatting to Eloise.  
\- Good morning. - he tried to smile but he felt her green eyes searching his face to asses the damage.  
He could not hide.  
He just went and hugged her tightly, he needed it.  
\- I am ok. - he said releasing her.  
But she sighed as she run her hand through his messy dark locks; she knew he was not.  
All the exitment of they day before had vanished from him.

They spent the morning at Eloise's place still sharing stories about Fili and getting ready for the journey ahead.  
When it was time to leave, their new friends were a bit reluctant to let them go.  
Freda wanted them to go and rescue her sweet boyfriend as soon as possible, yet in more than two years ‘Kili was the closest she got Fili’.  
They gave them their contacts and made them promise to call them as soon as they would manage to get Philip out of the horrific place where he had ended up.  
\- I will bring him back to you. – Cillian promised earnestly, and she could only believe him; she knew how dear his brother was to him too.  
They left in the afternoon and they encountered some traffic along their route so it took them a little more than six hours to reach Molsheim.  
They arrived in the evening and went straight to their hotel.  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
The hotel was nice and cosy however that night Kili could not sleep.  
He kept on thinking about all they had found out about Fili.  
The attack by the port, the hospital, the operations in Nantes then recoviring in Lyon.  
The words of Eloise and Freda and what the doctors had told him kept on playing in his head.  
_All of his happened nearly four years ago. Where was I? Where was I instead of looking for him?_  
His regretts were eating him inside.  
If they had been looking in the right place from the beginning his brother would have already been home. _If only..._

Tauriel slept quite late as she did not like to leave him alone with his thoughts.  
He had not said much during their journey and she could only guess how much he was hurting inside.  
However when sleep finally took her dark dreams came to her once more.  
She found herself in the Mirkwood palace with Thranduil warning her.  
It was always the same warning - The orcs are comming. -  
She woke up suddenly and found her prince right by her side.  
\- Tauriel. - he called her and she looked into his deep eyes to get back to reality.  
He hugged her. - It was just a bad dream. - he whispered into her hear while gently stroking her silky hair.  
She nodded.  
But was it really just a nightmare or was it a warning?  
This time she shared it with him. She needed to tell him about her king's warning.  
It was no mistery that Cillian did not like Thranduil, however he pondered on his message.  
\- Maybe you are just still afraid of him, that's all. - resentment marked his words.  
She knew he did not like him.  
\- He was my king and I respected him. -  
He looked at her surprised.  
\- I know all of you did not like him. He was a very complex soul, not all is actions were good but if he was not for Thranduil I would have never met you.  
He saved me when parents got slain by orcs. He took me in and gave me a home. -  
\- I understand... still, you told me he banished you when you left...  
he did not like us 'cos we were dwarves and I can sort of understand that however, I cannot forgive him for sending you away. -  
\- That he did. Yet, he was the king and he had to behave as such. -  
\- Yeah. -  
Kili mused at her words. He had been a while since they had spoke about their past lives.  
He remembered all too well how Thorin did not think twice of leaving him behind to rush to the mountain. That hurt.  
Yet, maybe that was the gold and its attraction already pulling him, that was not Thorin.  
His uncle was the one that called him back after his brother got killed, he was the one that selflessly ran after him when he did not listen.  
The rage of that far away moment took him by surprise, those dark emotions began to swirl in his heart.  
He was too tired with everything that had happed to be able to control it.  
He took a heavy gasp.  
Tauriel turned to him.  
\- Kili? -  
He leant heavily on the bed and let his head fall back on the pillow.  
\- Are you all right? -  
He tried to focus on her eyes to get back.  
_They are soo deep and green._  
She was right next to him.  
\- I am sorry. - he breathed out.  
\- I am here. - she said touching his forehead delicately.  
One more heavy breath escaped him.  
\- I ... I did not realize. I did not even felt it coming. -  
\- I know, no worries. -  
He wrapped her in his arms and finally they fell asleep together in the very early hours of the morning.  
However that vision had brought another thought to Kili's mind.  
_If Thorin was here..._  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
Cillian and Tara went to Molsheim Mental Hospital.  
First thing in the morning. Kili could not wait for any longer.  
Daunting was the first word that came to their minds when they saw the place, yet even that word could not quite grab the harrowing essence of that place.  
One of the most disturbing features of the old building, a former residence of French aristocrats in the past centuries, were the thick bars that covered every window.  
  
At 10am he began to explain his story to yet another receptionist while he handed her the passports and the two letters from the doctors in St.-Malo and Nantes.  
The receptionist was quite young and during the conversation, her expression went from worried to extremely worried, to total panic.  
Tauriel did not know what her boyfriend had told her to get that reaction.  
The young woman then gave him back the passports, excused herself and left with the letters.  
\- What have you told her? – she was curious and slightly worried.  
\- She wanted us to book an appointment to speak with the director of this place and I just went straight to the point.  
I told her we have no time for this, so she has gone to get the director. -  
\- Are you sure? -  
She could easily sense that his mood had changed.  
Everything that Eloise had told him was playing in his head.  
\- I want my brother out of here today. -

The receptionist came back with a tall elegant lady in a grey suit.  
Her hair was the palest blond possible and it draped down moving softly as she walked to them, while her dark chocolate eyes were inquisitively searching them trying to suss them out. She looked very formal.  
She looked like someone who meant business and not in a good way.  
As soon as her eyes fell on the woman a very bad feeling took hold of Tauriel.  
_This woman is evil._  
It was something coming for within her that she could not quite explain.  
Then, more than ever, she trusted her feelings.  
Instinctively she moved forward to be right next to Kili, almost as if she was ready to step right in front of him to protect him from the woman.  
She did not know why but Thranduil words echoed in her head.  
\- The orcs are coming. -

The blond lady smiled but that did not warm up her features at all.  
Tara felt that probably, on someone else, the same smile would have had a totally different effect.  
\- Good morning. Melanie told me that you are looking for one of our patients. – she said in French.  
The red-haired girl could not understand her, yet she knew that despite her friendly tone she did not want to help them.  
Cillian started to explain his story once again and then he handed her Fili’s passport.  
\- You have a very interesting story. – the lady finally commented in English.  
\- However, have you got anything other than this passport, to prove that he is your brother? –  
\- I have given you the letters from the other hospitals we have visited… –  
_They believed me why don't you?_  
\- Our patient has a totally different name… -  
\- And I have told you why. It was a mistake. -  
\- He answers to that name. – she insisted and it hurt Cillian to hear it.  
\- He is confused. He is not who you think he is. -  
\- Have you got any else to prove what you are saying? – she asked again.  
\- No, but… -  
\- But? -  
_Damn you, lady. Why don’t you just listen?!_  
\- He IS MY BROTHER. -  
\- I am afraid that is not what it says on his documents.  
Yet, I can see a resemblance with the young man in the picture however I think you are probably mistaken. – she deliberately kept a cold, flat tone.  
She wanted to see his rage. _There is absolutely nothing you can do_.  
\- Mistaken? Lady, you must be joking! I know my brother. -  
_This cannot be happening… Fi is here I want to see him_.  
\- I am afraid you will need to go to the authorities to state your case. -  
\- What? -  
\- Contact the police, maybe a solicitor.  
I cannot just realize a mentally unstable patient in anybody’s care. -  
Mentally unstable resonated very badly in Cillian’s mind.  
Suddenly Tara pulled him back.  
\- Kili let’s go. – _Please_.  
She had kept quiet but the bad sensation she had felt when she had seen the Facility’s director had not left her.  
In fact, it had been growing.  
She did not know why; all she knew was that woman was dangerous and she had no good intentions toward them; especially towards Kili.  
However, he was not prepared to give up.  
\- I am not anybody, I AM his brother. – he shouted back  
\- I am sorry I cannot help you. – her tone remained unchanged.  
Tauriel knew that she was deliberately provoking him.  
She just wanted to see him snap and he was too upset to listen to anyone or anything but his rage.  
She moved between them.  
\- Let’s leave. -  
\- No, I want my brother out of here. -  
\- Please, I have a really bad feeling about this. – her eyes were pleading.  
\- No. -  
\- Come please. -  
Tara was getting terribly upset there was something very wrong about the whole situation.  
The director kept her cool – I think you should just go through the proper channels and if he is your brother, like you say, he will be released into your care. -  
Cillian angry stare did not leave her.  
\- I am afraid our conversation ends here, and I need to ask you to leave now. -  
Kili did not move. He did not want to back off.  
\- You need to leave now, or I am afraid I might have to call the police. -  
_You what? I cannot believe this_.  
\- Please, my love. Listen to me. – Tara tried once more.  
Finally, despite all his rage. He realized he had to give up.  
It would have been of no help if she ended up calling the police.  
\- This is not the last time you’ll see me. – he barked back before they left.  
\- _I’ll count on that_. – she thought.  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
Ah, how much she wished for the young guy to snap right there and then, to give her an excuse to take him in as she had done with the brother.  
Because she knew he was his brother from the moment the receptionist came in with the 2 letters.  
What a chance to have him walking in right there, in her hospital?  
Yet, it was not going to be so simple; not as easy as with the other one.  
Also, she realized she should have started to worry.  
That guy was not going to give up easily…  
And the red-haired girl with him seemed to be quite determined not to let her get any closer.  
Quite understandable, she thought, anyway she had absolutely no intention to lose her patient.  
Then came the realization that she really wanted the brother as well and she asked herself, how much was she prepared to risk?

OOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
Once they were out of that hideous place, it took a long while for Cillian to come down.  
How could they be so close and yet Philip was still out of reach?  
They had returned to the car that was parked just outside the park that surrounded the hospital.  
A very high brick wall prevented them from looking inside.  
\- Fi is on the other side of that wall. – Kili finally said with a sorrowful gasp.  
_You cannot know that_ she wanted to say but it would not have changed anything.  
She looked at the wall. She hated the woman that had upset him so much.  
She hated to see him so distressed.  
There were tall trees on both sides of the wall.  
They were moving gently following the soft summer breeze.  
Another perfect, bright summer day.  
Everything looked so peaceful yet… there was no peace in the heart of her lovely prince.  
She kept on looking at the trees and following their rhythmical movement suddenly she realized that she knew what to do.  
She quickly left the car to climb elegantly on one of the nearby trees.  
Maybe Philip was there… maybe not… was Kili, right? Did he really know?  
She looked inside the garden and she just stared... she could not believe it.  
She should have known, yet…

Before she could say or do anything, Cillian had climbed the tree as well and he was staring exactly as she was.  
Philip was sitting on a bench maybe 30ft or 40ft from them.  
He was dressed in a white uniform that made him look more like a prisoner than a patient.  
He was gazing at the garden, but he wasn’t really. His eyes were so lost, they were locked in world that only he could see.  
Anything that had happened since Philip disappearance had hurt Cillian but that moment, seeing his beloved brother like that was one of the things that hurt him the most.  
They had told him, Freda and Eloise. They had, but nothing could have really prepared him.  
Fili was so close he just wanted to run there grab him and shake him to wake up.  
… _it’s just not possible… … I cannot…_  
He searched his pockets desperately looking for something… _anything_.  
He found 3 coins.  
He was desperate, so he tried.  
He aimed, and he hit his target, once, twice, three times.  
All coins hit his brother’s shoulder in the same spot, but Philip did not even move, he did not turn.  
Then he called him.  
\- Kili they’ll hear you. – she whispered in warning.  
But he called again, and once again Fili did not move.  
\- Kili. – she said in a soft whisper as she turned to him.  
Her boyfriend could not hear her.  
He had climbed down.  
As soon as Cillian’s feet reached the ground everything felt heavy, almost as if the air he was breathing was pressing him down.  
_Why? My poor Fi, why?_  
The ache he felt inside his soul had become physical pain.  
His head was buzzing with million of thoughts he could not control.  
He knew it all, he had felt it before, yet he had no way to stop it.  
He let his legs fell and he found himself with his knees on the ground.  
As Tara reached him his shoulders were shaking.  
She could not see his face, his messy locks were covering it, but she could see the tears falling.  
Cillian had never allowed himself to cry in front of anybody after his brother had disappeared but seeing Fili like that was too painful to bear.  
Tauriel kneeled next to him and she hugged him from behind as he kept on sobbing.  
She did not let him go until he had no more tears to cry.  
If hate was a weapon, she would have killed that horrible lady that was the cause of all their pain.  
She let that bad emotion grew inside her, even if she knew it would have done no good to anyone.  
They did not need that. What they really needed was a plan to rescue Philip.  
She took a deep breath … _we need a plan... a rescue plan._

OOOOOOOOOO  
  
Veon finally decided to pick up the phone.  
\- Hello Deirdre. What news brings you to call me? -  
\- Hello… My brother called me. - clearly, she was not in a good mood, but he could sense that, for once, her anger was not directed at him.  
\- I am assuming you are not referring to Frey. -  
\- No, I am not. –  
\- So, he called you? – subconsciously he tried to recall a time long ago when they were a family.  
A time when he used to be close to her family.  
\- He did. -  
\- And if you don’t mind me asking you.  
When was the last time you spoke with him? I mean does he know? -  
There had been a time when her brother was one of his closest friends.  
\- 5 years ago, and no he did not know but I told him now. -  
Her tone was matter of fact, she was not looking for an argument.  
\- I cannot believe you, woman. Did you tell him just know? – Yet, he could not help it.  
\- Spare me your comments. -  
\- Oh, I bet he told you exactly how he felt. -  
\- You can make sure he did. -  
He felt sorry for her, after all, it was not entirely her fault… that silly situation.  
Yet, he was annoyed, and he wanted to keep the conversation to the strictly necessary.  
\- So, let’s get to the point what do you want from me? -  
\- He asked me for your contact. He wants to meet Cillian. -  
\- He is not here. – His son did not need him in his life.  
\- I know that. He and Tara called me yesterday. -  
\- Have you given him my number? -  
\- I did. Anyway even if he wants to come, he will take time to get to you. He lives on the other side of the World now. -  
\- Aye, let him call me then. – _Why now? Why after all these years?_  
\- Will you let him see him? -  
It sounded like a silly question.  
\- It is not up to me. Cillian is not a kid anymore. He decides. -  
There was silence at the other end.  
\- Like I said let him call me. -  
\- Aye, good night then. -  
\- Good night Deirdre. –  
That conversation left both of them with a bitter taste.  
It was none of their faults if Deidre’s brother had left and if he had never been a part of their sons’ lives. They never knew he even existed.  
Yet, Deirdre loved her brother and she missed him and the little contact she had with him through the years was precious her.  
Yet, Veon had a very good friend once with whom he had shared many happy moments.  
A friend who had left a void when he took his leave from his family and everyone else.  
A friend without whom his family would have never been … _maybe_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this chapter even though it is quite sad. Please let me know what you think.  
> Sorry for any typos I have done my best to correct them.  
> I will be away from tomorrow so I'll try to review it in a week.  
> I'll try my best to update before the end of the month however April is very busy as I will travelling a lot and also, sadly I got told off for spending too much time on my laptop :( - I honestly don't think I do -  
> Anyway no worries I will find a way... I really need to get Fili out of that horrible place ;)  
> Thanks for all kudos and comments!
> 
> P.S. As you might have noticed I have now given a title to all my chapters on both stories. I hope they fit, if you want let me know what you think.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you like it. Please let me know what you think.


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